Dr. Russ Harris - The Reality Slap: How to Find Fulfilment When Life Hurts

Deeply moving and easy to understand, The Reality Slap is a book that takes us to the heart of being human, to really help us change from the inside. As one of the worlds pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Russ Harris has given us a truly compassionate gift on how to (en)lighten our journey through lifes storms and calms. I had so many insightful moments that reading this book was a delight, an uplifting shoulder, and an education.

Sooner or later, reality is going to slap you. Loss, disease, betrayal or other misfortunes will arrive unexpectedly and shake your very foundations. At that moment, this wise book is one to keep within reach. It will do more than sootheit will ground you, guide you and help you grow. Taking the time to treat yourself with kindness and awareness doesnt remove the pain, but it dignifies it and turns it into a profound teacher. This book will help you learn the lessons that pain contains. You will want this book not just for you but also for those you loveknowing that sooner or later, reality is going to slap them too.

Deeply personal, profoundly insightful and above all highly practical, this book will show you how to deal with Reality Slapsthose painful wake-up calls that we all have when life is not fair or things go wrong. Russ Harris has produced another excellent book about what it means to be truly human, how to deal with lifes difficulties, and how to live a more engaged, meaningful and pleasurable life.

No matter what we attempt to do, pain and suffering are inevitably going to creep into our lives, and the capacity to handle this pain is essential for fulfilment. So if you want a short-term boost of happiness with simple, banal ideas that your kindergarten teacher could have told you, go elsewhere. But if you want to create a stable platform of mindfulness, meaning and purpose in your life, and develop the ability to handle pain effectively, then this is the book to read. It is my great hope that people will find this book and flexibly adopt the ideas within.

Russ Harris is a world-renowned and highly respected trainer of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a modern scientific model of human psychology that overlaps to a great extent with aspects of traditional spiritual wisdom. In The Reality Slap, drawing from both scientific findings and his own personal experience, Russ invites us all into a vital conversation on how to handle lifes tough edges. Read it, enjoy it, and you will find some genuine treasures in your life!

Gripping, compassionatea must read for anybody going through a difficult life transition, such as divorce, illness, career change, or death of a loved one. This is a rare work, one that is at once deeply personal and universally applicable.

To my beautiful son. At the time of writing you are only five years old, and yet, you are by far my greatest teacher. Thank you for teaching me so much about living and loving; for helping me to grow and develop; for bringing so much joy and love into my life. I love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Introduction

When was the last time you received a reality slap? Weve all had plenty of them in our lives: those moments when life suddenly deals us a painful blow. Its a shock, and it hurts, and it knocks us off balance; we struggle to stay on our feet, and sometimes we fall.

The reality slap takes many different forms. Sometimes its so violent, its more like a punch: the death of a loved one, a serious illness or injury, a freak accident, a violent crime, a disabled child, bankruptcy, betrayal, fire, flood or disaster. At other times the slap is somewhat gentler: that sudden flash of envy when we realise someone else has got what we want; those sharp pangs of loneliness when we realise how disconnected we are from others; that burst of anger or resentment over some sort of mistreatment; those short, sharp shocks when we catch sight of our reflection and we dont like what we see; those painful stabs of failure, disappointment or rejection.

Sometimes the slap quickly recedes into memory: a passing moment, a brief rude awakening. At other times it knocks us senseless and leaves us wandering in a daze for days or weeks. However, whatever form it takes, one things for sure: the reality slap hurts. We dont expect it, we dont like it, and we definitely dont want it. And, unfortunately, the slap is just the beginning. What comes next is much harder. For once the slap wakes us up, we then face the gap.

I call it the reality gap because on one side is the reality we have, and on the other is the reality we want. And the bigger the gap between those two realities, the more painful the feelings that will arise: envy, jealousy, fear, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, outrage, dread, guilt, resentment; perhaps even hatred, despair or disgust. And, whereas the slap is usually over quickly, the gap can persist for days, weeks, months, years and even decades.

Most of us are ill-equipped to deal with large reality gaps. Our society doesnt teach us how to handle them or, rather, it doesnt teach us how to handle them effectively, in such a way that we can thrive and find lasting fulfilment. Our first instinct, whenever we encounter a reality gap, is to try and close it; we take action to change reality, so it conforms to our wishes. And if we succeed, the gap closes and we feel good. We feel happy, content or calm, with a sense of achievement or relief. And this is all well and good. After all, if theres something we can do to get what we want in lifeand if its not a criminal activity, and it doesnt go against our core values, and its not going to create even bigger problems for usthen it makes sense to go ahead and do it.

But what happens when we cant get what we want? What do we do when we cant close that reality gap; when someone we love dies, or our partner leaves us, or our kids move overseas, or we cant have children, or our child has a serious disability, or someone we want to be friends with doesnt like us, or we lose our eyesight, or we are diagnosed with an incurable or chronic illness, or were not as smart or talented or good-looking as we would like? And what happens when we can close the reality gap, but its going to take a long, long time to do it; how do we cope in the meantime?

I once read an article that claimed all self-help books could be lumped into two categories: those that claim you can have everything you ever wanted in life, if only you put your mind to it; and those that claim you cant have everything you want, but you can still lead a rich and rewarding life. This book is definitely in the second category.

To be honest, I am amazed that people buy books in the first category. If you look closely at anybodys life, from Bill Gates to Brad Pitt, from Buddha to Jesus, from the rich and famous and powerful to the beautiful and strong and smart, you will see that nobody gets everything they want. It is impossible. During our time on this planet, were all going to experience disappointment, frustration, failure, loss, rejection, illness, injury, ageing and death.