Russ Harris - Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts

Russ Harris is a medical practitioner, psychotherapist, and leading expert in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). His other books include ACT with Love, ACT Made Simple, The Confidence Gap, and The Happiness Trap, which has now been translated into twenty-two languages. He lives in Melbourne, Australia, and travels internationally to train mental health professionals in the ACT approach.

Deeply moving and easy to understand, The Reality Slap is a book that takes us to the heart of being human to really help us change from the inside. Russ Harris has given us a truly compassionate gift that explains how we can enlighten ourselves on our journey through lifes storms and calms. I had so many insightful moments that reading this book was a delight.

Paul Gilbert, PhD, author of The Compassionate Mind

Sooner or later, reality is going to slap you. Loss, disease, betrayal or other misfortunes will arrive unexpectedly and shake your very foundation. At that moment, this wise book is one to keep within reach. It will do more than soothe youit will ground you, guide you, and help you grow. Taking the time to treat yourself with kindness and awareness doesnt remove the pain, but it dignifies it and turns it into a profound teacher. This book will help you learn the lessons that pain can teach. You will want this book, not just for you, but also for those you love, knowing that sooner or later, reality is going to slap them, too.

Steven C. Hayes, PhD, Foundation Professor of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno, and author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

Deeply personal, profoundly insightful, and above all, highly practical, this book will show you how to deal with reality slapsthose painful wake-up calls that we all have when things go wrong. Russ Harris has produced another excellent book about what it means to be truly human, how to deal with lifes difficulties, and how to live a more engaged, meaningful, and pleasurable life.

Anthony Grant, PhD, director of the coaching psychology unit at the University of Sydney and author of 8 Steps to Happiness

No matter what we attempt to do, pain and suffering are inevitably going to creep into our lives, and the capacity to handle this pain is essential for fulfillment. So if you want a short-term boost of happiness with simple, banal ideas that your kindergarten teacher could have told you, go elsewhere. But if you want to create a stable platform of mindfulness, meaning, and purpose in your life, and develop the ability to handle pain effectively, then this is the book to read. It is my great hope that people will find this book and flexibly adopt the ideas within.

Todd B. Kashdan, PhD, author of Curious? and Designing Positive Psychology

Russ Harris is a world-renowned and highly respected trainer of acceptance and commitment therapy, a modern scientific model of human psychology that overlaps to a great extent with aspects of traditional spiritual wisdom. In The Reality Slap, drawing from both scientific findings and his own personal experience, Harris invites us all into a vital conversation on how to handle lifes rough edges. Read it, enjoy it, and you will find some genuine treasures in your life!

Niklas Trneke, MD, coauthor of The ABCs of Human Behavior

Gripping and compassionatea must-read for anybody going through a difficult life transition, such as divorce, illness, career change, or the death of a loved one. This is a rare work, one that is at once deeply personal and universally applicable.

Joseph Ciarrochi, PhD, associate professor at the University of Wollongong and author of Emotional Intelligence in Everyday Life

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2012 by Russ Harris

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Values clarification list adapted from THE CONFIDENCE GAP: FROM FEAR TO FREEDOM by Russ Harris, copyright 2010. Used by permission of Penguin Group Australia.

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer; Edited by Karen ODonnell Stein

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harris, Russ, 1938

The reality slap / Russ Harris.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-60882-280-5 (pbk.) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-281-2 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-282-9 (epub)

1. Self-help techniques. 2. Acceptance and commitment therapy. I. Title.

BF632.H267 2012

158--dc23

2011039774

To my beautiful son. At the time of writing, you are only five years old, yet you are by far my greatest teacher. Thank you for teaching me so much about living and loving, for helping me to grow and develop, for bringing so much joy and love into my life. I love you more than I could ever hope to express with words.

Introduction

When was the last time you received a reality slap? Weve all had plenty of them in our lives: those moments when life suddenly deals us a painful blow. Its a shock, and it hurts, and it knocks us off balance; we struggle to stay on our feet, and sometimes we fall.

The reality slap takes many different forms. Sometimes its so violent, its more like a punch: the death of a loved one, a serious illness or injury, a freak accident, a violent crime, a disabled child, bankruptcy, betrayal, fire, flood, or disaster. At other times the slap is somewhat gentler: that sudden flash of envy when we realize someone else has got what we want; those sharp pangs of loneliness when we realize how disconnected we are from others; that burst of anger or resentment over some sort of mistreatment; those short, sharp shocks when we catch sight of our reflection and we dont like what we see; those painful stabs of failure, disappointment, or rejection.

Sometimes the slap quickly recedes into memory: a passing moment, a brief rude awakening. At other times it knocks us senseless and leaves us wandering in a daze for days or weeks. However, whatever form it takes, one things for sure: the reality slap hurts. We dont expect it, we dont like it, and we definitely dont want it. And, unfortunately, the slap is just the beginning. What comes next is much harder: once the slap wakes us up, we then face the gap.

I call it the reality gap because on one side is the reality we have and on the other is the reality we want. And the bigger the gap between those two realities, the more painful the feelings that arise: envy, jealousy, fear, disappointment, shock, grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, outrage, dread, guilt, resentmentperhaps even hatred, despair, or disgust. And, whereas the slap is usually over quickly, the gap can persist for days, weeks, months, years, and even decades.

Most of us are ill equipped to deal with large reality gaps. Our society doesnt teach us how to handle them, or, rather, it doesnt teach us how to handle them effectively, in such a way that allows us to thrive and find lasting fulfillment. Our first instinct, whenever we encounter a reality gap, is to try to close it; we take action to change reality so it conforms to our wishes. And if we succeed, the gap closes and we feel good. We feel happy, content, or calm, with a sense of achievement or relief. And this is all well and good. After all, if theres something we