Vaughn Ellen - Choosing to SEE

In loving memory of
Maria Sue Chunxi Chapman

Mommy misses you so much. Your time with us was too short, but there is only One who holds all of time and eternity in His hands, and we trust Him. My prayer is that Mommys tears will continue to water the seeds of your life, and that all who read this story will be pointed to the One who holds you in His arms until I can. I miss your slobber and your laughter and the way you always made me pinky promise to come back and check on you like in three minutes after I tucked you in. You are definitely the Silliest Goober I know.

I love you; to infinity... and beyond!

Dedicated to
Will Franklin

You have been entrusted with an incredible pain! Im so sorry. I wish as your mom I could take it away, but I know God has a plan for you to steward this story well and to minister to others through your suffering. You are my hero, as well as Marias... she loved you so much, as do I!

Shaoey

The day you became my daughter changed my life forever! Love took me in, and everything changed. Thanks for telling me on your own you wanted me to write this book. I love everything about you and am so proud of you!

Stevey Joy

Since the night you danced without Maria at the recital just nine days after she went to heaven, Ive been so proud of your courage. I know that Maria is with you in your heart because Jesus is, and Maria is with Jesus! I love you. Thanks for kissing Mommys tears.

Emily and Tanner

October 4, 2008, the day you two were married, was a beautiful picture of the love of the Father. That we could celebrate while still missing Maria so desperately was truly a gift. I believe it was a taste of the spring that will truly come out of this hard winter season. Tanner, thanks for loving not only Emily, but our entire family selflessly during such a dark time.

Caleb and Julia

Caleb, when Will Franklin needed you most, you were there to hold him. God was with you and the strength He gave you was perfect! I know this is a story of great struggle that you will treasure as you allow Jesus to heal your heart. Julia, thanks for being right by Calebs side. You love him so well.

Im so thankful that on May 10, 2009, you became my daughter-in-law. Another sign that spring is continuing to bloom.

Steven

To my best friend and at times, worst enemy if we were to be honest: there are no words... I love you when we are on the same side and when we find ourselves on different sides. Thanks for being my biggest fan and cheerleader during this process. You believe more in me than I believe in myself. The foreword you so graciously wrote made me smile. It was way generous and kind. (That may have something to do with the fact that I sleep with you!) The words are proof that your love for me has been unwavering. Navigating our lives has not been for the faint of heart, and your heart has been that of a warrior, valiantly protecting his own family from an enemy who seeks to devour and destroy. God is good, even when things seem bad.

2010 by Mary Beth Chapman

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

E-book edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 02.16.2015

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means for example, electronic, photocopy, recording without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1357-0

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Verson. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

Scripture marked ESV is taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Published in association with Creative Trust, Inc., Literary Division, 5141 Virginia Way, Suite 320, Brentwood, TN 37027, www.creativetrust.com.

Contents

Steven Curtis Chapman

Im going to start off with a little secret that you who hold this book in your hands are about to discover. Dont worry Im not going to give anything away and you dont need any spoiler alerts. For many years Ive been known as the writer of the Steven Curtis/ Mary Beth Chapman duo. And while Ive been known to pen a song or two, and maybe even a book or two (with a whole lot of help, believe me!), heres the real, honest-to-goodness truth: Mary BethChapman is a way better writer than Steven Curtis... dont tell anybody. No, actually, please tell everybody! The world needs to know, and Im proud to be the first to tell them.

When my wife reads this, I can picture her shaking her head and saying, Hes just trying to be nice and encouraging. But I am truly amazed at the way my wife is able to communicate whats in her heart with such honesty and transparency. (Not to mention that she can write in thirty minutes what would take me about three days!)

When Mary Beths blogs posted on my website began getting attention and someone first mentioned that she should write a book, I began cheering her on in that direction. Because I realized that one of the last things my wife ever planned or had the time to do was write a book, I cheered cautiously. But I knew if it was something God wanted her to do, it would speak powerfully and profoundly into the hearts of readers. She has a rare and beautiful gift to bare the pain, confusion, and questions that stir in her soul with a deep and raw honesty, and yet do it in such an inviting way. She also has a natural ability to have you laughing one moment and weeping the next as she takes you on the journey into her heart and life.

Thats what this book is about... a journey. Mary Beths journey, to be sure, but also the journey of faith that each of us who follow the unseen God is on. At the time this book is being written, I have had the incredible privilege of walking beside Mary Beth on her journey for twenty-six years. She has had enough twists and turns, surprises (wonderful and terrible), and peaks and valleys to fill several lifetimes... and she still looks amazing! (Hey, just look at the cover... hubba hubba!)

For a while this book carried the working title of Mary Bethvs. God, which I still think would have been a very appropriate title. By her own confession, she has had a lifetime of watching God overwrite her plans with His story. Sometimes the result has been wonderful, and sometimes it has been devastating. Sometimes shes been a willing participant, and sometimes shes gone kicking and screaming. But in every case the process has been difficult at best. Ive watched my wife wrestle with the providence of God in as real and honest a way as anyone Ive ever known. And there has certainly been much to wrestle with. Great depths of pain and sorrow have marked the journey that my precious wife has traveled, and that is what has brought about the writing of this book.

I must also say a heartfelt thank you to the wonderfully gifted Ellen Vaughn for taking the journey alongside Mary Beth in the writing process. Her skillful pen and tender heart have been vital to making this book a reality.

I was reading a book recently by our dear friend Dan Allender. He talked about how for many Christians, sorrow and pain are seldom embraced by those experiencing it but rather often denied or swept under the spiritual rug of Gods sovereignty (