Fr. T. Morrow - Overcoming Sinful Anger

Rev. T. G. Morrow

Overcoming Sinful Anger

How to Master Your Emotions
and Bring Peace to Your Life

SOPHIA INSTITUTE PRESS

Manchester, New Hampshire

Copyright 2014 by Rev. T. G. Morrow

Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved

Cover design : Coronation Media in collaboration with Perceptions Design Studio.

Biblical references in this book are taken from the Catholic Edition of the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1965, 1966 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Morrow, T. G.

Overcoming sinful anger : how to master your emotions and bring peace to your life / Rev. T. G. Morrow.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-62282-230-0 (pbk. : alk. paper) ePub ISBN 978-1-622822-317 1. Anger Religious aspects Christianity. I. Title.

BV4627.A5M67 2014

241'.3 dc23

2014036024

To Mary, Queen of Peace

Contents

Introduction

Years back a husband told me that his wife said to him one evening when she was feeling stressed, Get me a glass of wine. He replied, Would you want to ask that question more politely?

No, I wouldnt. Now get me some wine, she responded.

You need to say please , he asserted.

She proceeded to yell and scream and break just about everything in the room until he relented and went to get her a glass of wine. Within a week they were on the verge of separating.

I told him that what he did was a big mistake. Now she will think that all she has to do to get you to do something is throw a tantrum. The next time she acts like that, I want you to say, I need to go for a walk. Ill be back in a half hour. Then go out and walk around the block until you think she might have calmed down.

I told his wife that she was using anger to manipulate her husband. I also told her what I had told him, and I suggested that she try to get him to do things by love, not by anger.

Both took the advice, and things got better and better. They had three more children, and they are happily married today.

Anger can be a terrible thing in marriage and in just about every other relationship. By this I mean the capital sin of anger. I propose to distinguish herein between the feeling of anger and the sinful anger that should be overcome.

In the pages that follow, I will try to analyze the dynamics of sinful anger and what God has said about it in Scripture. And, thanks to a recently published book on changing ones behavior, I will offer some ideas, which I consider quite novel, on how to avoid angry explosions.

This is a true story, but some details have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

Recognize Sinful Anger

Anger as a deadly sin is a disorderly outburst of emotion connected with the inordinate desire for revenge.... It is likely to be accompanied by surliness of heart, by malice aforethought, and above all by the determination to take vengeance. The Catechism of the Catholic Church contains a similar description:

By recalling the commandment, You shall not kill, our Lord asked for peace of heart and denounced murderous anger and hatred as immoral. Anger is a desire for revenge. To desire vengeance in order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit, but it is praiseworthy to impose restitution to correct vices and maintain justice. If anger reaches the point of a deliberate desire to kill or seriously wound a neighbor, it is gravely against charity; it is a mortal sin. The Lord says, Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment. (no. 2302)

This is different from the feeling of anger, which is not sinful in itself. That anger is defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. We cant control when we will feel angry, since that depends on events that occur outside of us. But we can control what we do about the feeling.

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, the feeling of anger is one of the passions. In the passions, as movements of the sensitive appetite, there is neither moral good nor evil. But insofar as they engage reason and will, there is moral good or evil in them (no. 1773). So it is how we act based on this feeling that determines whether we sin or not. We find also in the Catechism that we should be moved to do good not only by our will but by our heart as well. In other words, we must attempt to convert our very feelings to be fully virtuous (no. 1775).

St. Paul mentions outbursts of anger along with several other sins, including fornication, jealousy, enmity, and strife. He concludes with this warning: I warn you as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God (Gal. 5:2021). What could be further from Christs command in the Sermon on the Mount, to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matt. 5:43)? He said, I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, You fool! shall be liable to the fire of hell (Matt. 5:22).

We can suppress our anger; or we can express it by sabotaging the efforts of those who caused it; or we can express it in an irrational tirade of bad words and insults; or we can express our anger rationally or at least process it rationally. If we merely suppress an angry feeling, it will go down into our subconscious and wait for a chance to explode. And it will explode. It is better to do something constructive with it.

First, lets consider the dysfunctional ways of dealing with the feeling of anger, the sinful ways.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The first tactic in angry people is often passive-aggressive behavior. This is the way the saboteur operates. He is angry but does not show it directly. Instead, he shuts down. He agrees to do something but never does it. According to Dr. Daniel K. Hall-Flavin of the Mayo Clinic, specific signs and symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior include: resentment and opposition to the demands of others, complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated, procrastination, stubbornness, inefficiency, memory lapses, sullenness, irritability, and a cynical or hostile attitude.

Another passive-aggressive expression of anger, often mentioned by psychologists, is the silent treatment. The basic idea is I wont get angry. Ill get even. The silent treatment is something we have all seen. I wont talk to you because I am unhappy with your behavior. It may be a day, or a week, or even two weeks before the angry person opens up. One husband refused to speak to his wife for two weeks without telling her why. Finally, he admitted that it was because he had seen a spot on the wall by the kitchen table! He thought his wife should have cleaned it.

The silent treatment is a symptom of bad communication skills and immaturity. It usually doesnt solve anything.

Another example of passive-aggressive behavior is to do things we know will irritate the person who has angered us. When I was young, I had an acquaintance who would get me angry. I knew that if I did or said certain things, I could, in turn, get him so upset that he would be ready to cry. However, when I got older and was tempted to do this, I had to stop myself: You cant do that anymore; youre a Christian. I had thought I was a Christian before, but revenge is not part of the Christians repertoire, so I had to make a choice: either take revenge or be a Christian. Difficult? Of course. Jesus promised a cross (Matt. 16:24).

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