W. Robert Nay - Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship: How to Break the Cycle of Arguments, Put-Downs, and Stony Silences

PART I
Five Steps to Change in Your Relationship

PART II
Overcoming the Different Faces of Anger

PART III
Making Boundaries Stick

First, I want to thank Kitty Moore, Executive Editor at The Guilford Press. Following the success of Taking Charge of Anger: How to Resolve Conflict, Sustain Relationships, and Express Yourself without Losing Control, which I wrote for those who need help in understanding and managing anger in their lives and relationships, she suggested that I write a book addressing the needs of the partners of those angry individuals. The goal was to provide ideas for identifying the negative impact of anger and to craft, express, and sustain firm boundaries with the angry partner as to what was acceptable behavior in the future. Setting such boundaries early on would halt the slippery slope of many relationships into serious communication breakdown or verbal and even physical abuse. A worthy goal and an important project to strengthen, if not salvage, troubled relationships. Thanks for the vision and the continuing support.

Next I want to thank my editor, Chris Benton, with whom I worked closely during each phase of this project. This is the second book on which I have had the privilege of working with Chris, who is a wonderful wordsmith, an attentive and sustaining coach, an insightful therapist at those junctures when you really need emotional support and some outright praise, and a great writer.

I also want to thank the hundreds of individuals and couples who have permitted me to enter into their lives at a difficult time. I have learned so much from working with you. Also, I am thankful for the many professional counselors and therapists who have attended my workshops on anger over the past decade. I have learned much from the give-and-take of your questions and comments.

Finally, I would not have had the stamina to get through some serious health problems and continue onward to the end of this project were it not for my dear wife, Joyce, an outstanding therapist in her own right and a great life partner.

Amy loves her husband but doesnt love being around him these days. The couple cant seem to spend an hour together without Eds getting tense and irritable because one thing or another has gone wrong.

Ryan knows Kate is hot-tempered, but hes sick of being called a loser and other names just because Kate is supposedly under so much stress.

Sandy always found the verbal sparring in her relationship kind of excitinguntil Ty started grabbing her arm in a way that makes her wonder: Could Ty ever hurt her?

Charles never dreamed hed be tempted to have an affair. Now that hes fantasizing about it, hes torn between guilt and his own anger at Sonya for regularly holing herself up in their bedroom to make him pay for some transgression she refuses to name.

Anger can gain a foothold in the most loving relationship. One day you wake up and wonder what happened to the happy union you once had. Where did the pleasure you once took in each others company go? What happened to the trust and closeness? And what is your partner so mad about anyway?

If you love someone whose anger has started to erode the intimacy between you, and you wonder how much more youand the relationshipcan take, this book offers hope. Anger can shake the very foundation of your relationship and pose a serious threat to your personal well-being. Of course you want it to stop. In fact youve undoubtedly tried to make your partners anger stop, to no avail. Fortunately, being unable to force your partner to change is not a dead end. Theres a lot that you can change, even without cooperation from your angry partner, that will protect you from becoming angers victim and restore your own well-being. This book will show you how.

Most people I counsel want to preserve their relationship too. This person who seems consumed by ire or rage is the one theyve come to trust and value more than anyone else. The partnership has already produced cherished memories, shared joys and tragedies, possibly children, and a love that was probably thriving until anger came along. Even if your relationship seems in danger of disintegrating, its probably not too late to put it back together. The prognosis for the partnership depends in part on your partner, but with a strong lead from you, theres a good chance your partner will follow and repairs can be made.

Of course, if you are the victim of physical violence or other abuse, the situation is entirely different. I urge you to put your own safety and welfare (and that of any children) first, and only after doing so consider whether the relationship can be salvaged. Fortunately, most people I meet who no longer know how to live with an angry partner just want the peace and comfort of their former life with the person they love so much. Most people who are struggling with a partners chronic anger are not battered, but they are certainly demoralized and depleted by: