Shahroo Izadi - The kindness method : changing habits for good

To the young women at Amys Place

In the summer of 2016, over the course of six coffees, Shahroo Izadi changed my life.

At the time I was writing a series of articles for The Pool, investigating my relationship with wine. Id contacted her to see if she could not only help shape the feature, but help me figure out what was going on: I was in the pub, again, on a Tuesday night, again, with nothing inside me except a bottle of wine and a packet of crisps, again. Wine was my response to stress, celebration, relaxation, a Monday night, a Sunday afternoon. It didnt matter. I always wanted a drink.

The change that Shahroo brought to my life, however, wasnt one of dramatic reinvention which, when we think of narratives around dealing with alcohol problems, or indeed breaking any habit, is often how the story goes. Because that wasnt really the intention. I didnt want to stop drinking or even believe I needed too.

Shahroo Izadi changed my life because she allowed me to have a conversation with myself I never otherwise would have.

And thats Shahroos magic. Its as if she leads you to a back door in your own head, a secret one away from all the anxieties and insecurities and guilt and worry, and says, Hey, look, over here. Theres another way to do this. And that way is being kind. The fact you are about to read The Kindness Method makes my heart soar. I couldnt have thought of a more perfect name for Shahroos work.

From the beginning, I was caught off guard. We met in a swanky coffee shop in central London, in broad daylight. It felt almost audacious compared to the hidden-away church basement of a Moderation Management group Id once attended. And, most startlingly, we werent actually talking about wine. Instead, Shahroo wanted to know my hopes, ambitions; what I thought my skills and talents and strengths were. I was expecting her to ask me to keep a diary of every time I had a glass of Pinot. Instead, she wanted me to note the things that made me, me. Using her maps, the ones youll find in this book, I began to build a picture of what I wanted my life to look like and what the hurdles to me getting there really were something I would come back to over time, serving as both an exercise in honesty and a reminder of how far Id come over the course of our work together.

At first, however, I couldnt quite join the dots. I still kept bringing it back to wine. Over one of our coffees I became despondent: Why did I get so drunk at that dinner party at the weekend?!. Shahroos response was not to ask me about how much Id had to drink, but instead, how the dinner party had made me feel and in doing so, we uncovered feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. Through Shahroos guilt-free probing, I soon realised that drinking wasnt really about the wine (which is precisely why we werent talking about it); instead, drinking was like an oxygen mask Id wear, inhaling gasps of extra confidence to take me through situations or emotions I didnt believe I was capable of. And in that way, Shahroos work isnt about any substance or any habit in particular, be it wine, drugs, gambling, sex or food. These are merely the symptoms; Shahroos work is about the root cause.

As you will see throughout this book, a lot of Shahroos work is examining a situation and showing it to you from an entirely different angle. Imagine this is an alien looking down at the world of Marisa, shed say. Its not often we are able to find the headspace, or time, to look at ourselves from a removed viewpoint. But for that hour, over a coffee, suddenly there were Shahroo and I, looking at how Marisa had behaved that week. This book will give you the tools to find some of that distance, too.

In that space, Shahroos talent is not to tell you what youve done wrong, but to guide you to a realisation of why that scenario might have played out in the first place. She once described it like ballroom dancing. You, the client, have got to feel like youre the one leading the dance, but shes the one who can actually see where youre going. And once you begin to be able to see those events from a different angle, not only can you begin to really understand your behaviour, but you can start being compassionate towards the person exhibiting those behaviours the way you would be if it were a friend or even a stranger, basically anyone but you. The Kindness Method isnt about Shahroo being kind to you; its about giving yourself the permission to be kind to you. Instead of shame and fear and guilt and disappointment, its about forcing change with a power too easily overlooked: compassion.

Sometimes our sessions would leave me teary eyed in Fitzrovia Square, facing previously buried truths. Sometimes theyd leave me buoyant and empowered. Unfailingly, however, they always took me one step closer to understanding why I was drinking the way I was drinking. Writing letters to myself a method advocated in the book is one of the things that worked well for me. As suggested by Shahroo in one of our sessions, if I wanted to go out for drinks, but wanted to make sure I wasnt there all night, I should write a note of all the nice things I was going to do for myself in the morning. Id keep the letter in my purse and set an alarm for 10pm. When the alarm went off, Id scuttle off to the ladies, read the letter and remember why it was time to go home. Drinking less in order to have a nice Saturday morning might not sound like rocket science but, as I was learning, The Kindness Method is about allowing yourself to become a priority in your own life. For some of us, that really is quite revelatory.

Theres something that makes Shahroos insights very valid, and thats the variety of clients shes worked with. From the young women of Amys Place, a recovery house for women, to private high-flying clients or intrigued individuals at the School of Life, its hugely comforting to know Shahroo understands that behavioural issues are the most human of things that impact us all even her. Shahroos frankness about her own weight loss, of which she talks throughout The Kindness Method, makes you realise even the wisest of souls have their demons. In fact, maybe thats precisely why they are so wise.

Shahroo used a phrase that had a big impact on a cynical person like me. She told me that its not so much about finding yourself a phrase that often makes my eyes roll but about meeting yourself. If I began the sessions with Shahroo as an alien, looking at Marisa and wondering why on earth she was behaving that way, by the end of those coffees, Id met Marisa, just as Im sure youll have met yourself by the end of this book. Because part of Shahroos Kindness Method is removing harmful, negative narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves and, instead, introducing ourselves to who we really are; revealing the traits we actually possess, our strengths and talents, the person buried under all of those nasty myths. Shahroo and I battled past my belief that I was lazy (not true, one summer I had three part-time jobs as student); that I was a bit stupid (not true, I have an MA in 20th-Century Literature); that a drinking habit was inevitable because of family addiction (scientifically, not true); that I was a chaotic mess who couldnt do anything (not true, Shahroo would point out that I was managing to keep a job, write this feature and turn up for coffee on time every week). Through the mapping, via the coffees, some figurative ballroom dancing, a lot of honesty, and a lot of holding Marisa up to the light, I could see none of these narratives was based in fact. And therefore, not only did I have no reason to punish myself, but finally, aged thirty-one, Id met Marisa. That secret back door to your mind that Shahroo knows the way to is like a backstage pass to who you are; a behind-the-scenes look at what is really going on.