Emmy Brunner - Find Your True Voice: Stop Listening to Your Inner Critic, Heal Your Trauma and Live a Life Full of Joy

PENGUIN BOOKS

UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
New Zealand | India | South Africa

Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

First published by Penguin Life in 2021

Copyright Emmy Brunner, 2021

The moral right of the author has been asserted

The publisher is grateful for permission to quote on lyrics from: Baby Well Be Fine Words & Music by Matthew Berninger & Aaron Dessner Copyright 2006 Val Jester Music. BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by permission of Hal Leonard Europe Limited.

ISBN: 978-0-241-47454-9

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

For anyone trying to heal a wounded heart this is for you.

Thanks to Tuppence Middleton, who read these pages before anyone else and whose help was invaluable.

To my girls Dixie and River, you make my world so joyful.

And finally T-Bone, the kindest man I have ever known. Thank you for loving me so much.

It was May 2006 and I was wandering around a building looking for Room 342. As a newly qualified psychotherapist, I was visiting an organization called the Caron Foundation, an inpatient rehabilitation unit in Pennsylvania, in the United States. I was nervous, and keen to hide that fact. At the time I was working for a UK rehab that had sent me here to learn about Carons processes, to see if they could teach us something.

I saw Room 342, knocked and pushed the door open, and introduced myself.

A petite woman with a warm smile welcomed me into the room. Hey, Emmy. Sit down. Im going to tell you how we work and how we admit new clients, but first I want to tell you my story.

What was this? Why was this woman being weird and telling me she was going to be sharing her story? Im British, and its in my DNA to find random acts of intimacy odd and uncomfortable. Not only that, but my own upbringing meant that I rejected any kind of vulnerability and had built a small fort around myself when it came to real connection with others.

I managed to mumble an obviously uncomfortable response, and she continued.

Emmy, I want you to know that I see you. Now, I know youre here to do a job and well get to that, but when someone shows up in my life I ask myself why they are here and what the purpose of us meeting is. Im going to tell you a little bit about myself and my life, and I hope that it will help you on your path.

I asked her how she knew I needed help. How had I given away so much in such a small amount of time and in so few words?

I dont know for certain, but youre a young woman working in a job committed to helping others in pain. In my world, that usually means that weve known great pain ourselves, or that we are still in pain and looking for a way out. Either way, I think I have something to offer.

And so I sat and I listened.

The woman told me that the Caron Foundation had saved her life many years ago before that, she genuinely could not have imagined a life where she could be happy or experience true joy. She explained that she had learned how to turn towards her pain, rather than repressing or smothering it, and how connecting and sharing with others had changed everything for her.

It was as though a lightbulb switched on for the first time, and everything Id struggled to see about myself was suddenly absolutely clear. Over the coming months I realized that if I wanted my life to change, I would have to grieve my past and heal the wounds that I was carrying around. I came to understand that what I can now identify as my own unwell behaviours and problems were responses and survival strategies Id developed to cope with past trauma.

In subsequently processing that trauma, I learned and developed a set of coping tools that allowed me to foster a compassionate relationship with myself. This gave me the courage and confidence to pursue the life I really wanted. I became able to embrace intimacy and vulnerability in relationships, pursue my career ambitions with confidence and focus, and develop a sense of self-care that remains my anchor today.

I want to take the opportunity to show you how to do the same. I have written this book to share with you the lessons that I have learned about healing, honesty, recovery and kindness. I will show you how to begin to heal your own wounds, establish a compassionate relationship with yourself, and empower yourself to live the life that you really want. Together, we will look at understanding why and how things came to be, and I will show you how you can develop practical tools to cope.

I mentioned that my problems, as I saw them then, were rooted in trauma. When I use this word you may imagine a whole multitude of experiences that could have caused me this psychological harm.

The word trauma is often the first obstacle that we have to overcome when we begin the work, because it means such different things to different people. Many of my clients do not see the experiences that have led them to my door as particularly traumatic. If you also feel this way, let me ask if you are able to identify with any of the following questions:

Do you find yourself pursuing relationships with people who are not available to you?

Do you struggle with your body image constantly feeling like you dont look good enough?

Do you find yourself plagued by anxiety or depression?

Do you frequently talk to or think about yourself in a punishing, critical way?

Do you often feel lost, hopeless and ashamed, and use sex, food, alcohol, drugs or relationships as a tool to harm yourself?

Do you feel like your behaviours around food are prohibiting you from living a full and courageous life?

Do you often feel stuck in a destructive and toxic pattern or cycle?

Do you yearn for a way out of this cycle, often wishing your life could be simpler, happier and more stable, but also fear the way out too?

If you relate to any of these questions, the likelihood is that something traumatic has happened in your life that has affected the way you see the world and act within it. You might not always be able to pinpoint where and when that hurt happened it might be something that feels relatively small and which youve previously overlooked but this process will help you to identify your wounds and begin the process of healing.

If any or all of these questions apply to you (or someone you love), then what youre going through is really tough. Living in a cycle where you are either ambivalent about life or engaged in destructive behaviours is exhausting, confusing, frightening and lonely. It is a pervasive kind of feeling that affects health, wellbeing, work, relationships, finances and confidence.