Dana Morningstar - Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse

Dana Morningstar

Copyright 2017 by Dana Morningstar

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing, 2017

Morningstar Media
PO Box 464
Mason, MI 48854

In my first book, Start Here: A Crash Course in Understanding, Navigating, and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse I listed what I believe to be the fundamentals of understanding narcissistic abuse. The goal of that book was to provide a crash course or a reference manual of sorts with the hopes of getting people as up-to-speed as possible so that they might be able to win a game they never intended to playand thats what relationships of any kind are to an emotional manipulator: a game. And much like any other game, a person doesnt need advanced strategies to winthey often just need a solid grip on the fundamentals.

While the most important words and concepts surrounding narcissistic abuse can instantly help a person see many things clearly and help them to be able to respond in a more empowering way, what Ive also found is that many people get tripped up with blurring many common concepts such as the difference between intensity and sincerity, love bombing and love, codependence and commitment, and forgetting and forgiving, to name a few. This book is my attempt to dive into the differences between these concepts (as well as many others) that tend to keep a person stuck in the fog of manipulation. In short, the first book is more of a map of the terrain, and this second book has more to do with explaining the emotional climate (the FOG) and warning you about dangerous roads and resulting thought holes that can make for a difficult journey if you dont know what to watch out for. So if you are already familiar with a lot of the common terms and concepts surrounding narcissistic abuse but are struggling with how to apply them or are finding yourself struggling with trusting your judgment and perception of people and situations, then this book is for you.

A big thank you to those who help run the support groups and the book club. Without you, much of what Im trying to do wouldnt be possible. Your time, help, and support means the world to me and to many others in the group, and you are beyond appreciated.

And to all those who have been impacted by narcissistic abuse, please know that you are not alone; you are not crazy, and you can move forward and heal from this.

The FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation, and guilt, and was coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in their book Emotional Blackmail to describe the emotions most commonly used by emotional manipulators to gain and keep control over others and over certain situations. When these emotions are being exploited, a fog of confusion sets in and the person in the fog has a hard time sorting out whats really going on and who has the issueand, most importantly, what they need to do to get out (and stay out) of this fog.

For many targets of emotional manipulators, the emotions of fear, obligation, and guilt are only part of the fog of confusion. And emotional manipulators are only some of the people that are FOG inducing. The FOG can also come in the form of well-intended bad advice about commitment, family and friendship from pretty much everyone: friends, family, therapists, culture, religious leaders and texts, and society as a whole.

This type of bad advice is not only prevalent, but its often passed off as good advice and is just as insidious and destructive as abuse itself. So what exactly is well-intended bad advice? I came across an analogy the other day that sums it up well, Well-intended bad advice is like a monkey seeing a fish in a lake, and thinking the fish is drowning, rushes over to pull it out of the water so it can place it safely in a tree.

Because this well-intended bad advice is so unintentionally damaging, I think it can be helpful to think of it as more of a thought hole.

The first step in getting out of the FOG is to start by seeing thought holes for what they are and then learning to avoid them. In order to live a happy, healthy life, we have to first examine the dysfunction that has been pulling us down. And a great place to start is by questioning some of the more common advice that is floating around out there about whats normal especially in terms of our friendships, family dynamics, and other relationships.

When we start to question what we consider to be normal, reasonable, or rational, and realize that there have been some really problematic messages weve bought into, we can feel like Alice at the Mad Hatters Tea Party, especially if we are the only ones in our inner circle who seem to be aware that theres an issue, let alone anything deeply wrong.

Like I mentioned before, the first step to getting out of the fog includes figuring out where those holes in our thinking are and then learning to avoid them. And perhaps the easiest place to start is to open up the discussion on what is normal and what is problematic. However, the challenge is that for the vast majority of people whats problematic is normal. Its like being in a cult, feeling like something is off and then turning to an advisor or trusted authority member within that same cult for guidance on what to do. Odds are other members of that cult are going to encourage them to try harder, or worse, deny that anything is wrong. And what tends to happen is that after the conversation the cult member then feels somewhat better that things can change if they double up their effort in things (or they try to brush off their doubts that something is wrong), telling themselves that a relationship takes work from both people, and that everything can be solved if they just try harder. And the cult advisor feels really good about themselves for helping the cult member work towards improving their communication and being a better partner and member of the community. And this cycle of well-intended bad advice continues until the cult member cant handle feeling all of this doubt and confusion any longer and leaves.

The hardest part about navigating around thought holes is that we generally dont know immediately if weve hit one. The results from the damage often take a while to appear, and so it can be difficult to link up the correct cause and effect so we can avoid these thought holes later. Not to mention that unlike a pot hole which makes a loud sound, thought holes dont sound like a ka-chunk! when we hit them. They sound more like:

You need to invite Uncle Larry over for Christmas. I know he molested you when you were younger, but that was a long time ago and besides, hes family. What happened to your Christmas spirit? You are so unforgiving. I expected more from you.

You need to have a relationship with your mother, even though she is verbally and emotionally abusive to you and your children. After all, she had a terrible childhood, and she is your mother. Shes not getting any younger you know.

You need to stay working at this job where you are being sexually harassed and bullied. No job is perfect, and things could always be worse.

You need to stay in touch with your brother. I know hes stolen money and opened up credit cards in your name, but hes had a rough life, and you should be more compassionate.

You should have your sister and her troubled children move in with you and your family. Sure, shes verbally abusive and is an addict, and her kids are all in and out of juvenile hall, but they are homeless and they are family.