Edward Myers - When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults

PENGUIN BOOKS

WHEN PARENTS DIE

Edward Myers is a writer with seven years experience working with terminally ill patients and their families. This book originated in his personal experience at the time of his parents deaths. He is the author of three novels (The Mountain Made of Light, Fire and Ice, and The Summit), three childrens books (Climb or Die, Hostage, and Forri the Baker), and a well-received nonfiction study of the survivalist movement, The Chosen Few. He has also coauthored many books, including Adult Sibling Rivalry: Understanding the Legacy of Childhood (with Jane Greer, D.S.W). Edward Myers lives with his wife and two children in Maplewood, New Jersey.

A GUIDE FOR ADULTS

When
Parents
Die

Revised Edition

Edward Myers

Penguin Books

PENGUIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124,
Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,
New Delhi110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand
(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank,
Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published in the United States of America by Viking Penguin Inc. 1986
Published in Penguin Books 1987
This revised and updated edition published in Penguin Books 1997

Copyright Edward Myers, 1986, 1997
All rights reserved

Grateful ackowledgment is made for permission to reprint excerpts from the following publications:

The Anatomy of Bereavement by Beverley Raphael. Copyright 1983 by Professor Beverley Raphael. Reprinted by permission of Basic Books, Inc., Publishers.

Attachment and Loss, Vol. 3: Loss by John Bowlby. Copyright 1980 by The Tavistock Institute of Human Relations. Reprinted by permission of Basic Books, Inc., Publishers.

Recovery from Bereavement by Colin Murray Parkes and Robert S. Weiss. Copyright 1983 by Colin Murray Parkes and Robert S. Weiss. Reprinted by permission of Basic Books, Inc., Publishers.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING IN PUBLICATION DATA
Myers, Edward, 1950
When parents die: a guide for adults/Edward Myers.Rev. ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN: 978-1-101-65155-1
1. BereavementPsychological aspects. 2. ParentsDeathPsychological aspects. 3. Grief 4. Adult childrenPsychology. I. Title.
BF575.G7M94 1997
I55.937dc20 96-28999

Designed by Jennifer Ann Daddio

Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated.

In memory of

Francis Milton Myers

19171972

and

Estella Montemayor Myers

19131981

W hen Parents Die originates in personal experience. Some years ago, when my mother suffered a series of massive strokes, I found myself dealing with the complex issues of illness and death and grief. Found myself dealing withthis phrase effectively sums up my situation. I felt as if I had wakened into someone elses life rather than my own. The place and the faces were familiar, but everything else had changed literally overnight. Yet there was no alternative to coping with what had happened.

I did cope with it, and in retrospect I suppose I coped fairly well. But the fourteen months of Mothers illnessand, for that matter, the eight or ten months afterwardwere the most difficult time in my life. My father had died eight years earlier; his absence not only affected me in its own right but also compounded my current problems. Most of my relatives lived hundreds of miles away and couldnt offer much help. At age thirty, I had few friends who had ever dealt with problems like those facing me. And so the period of my mothers illness and its aftermath was complex both for the practical tasks it presented and for the sense of isolation I felt while dealing with it.

During that time, I often needed information for sorting out options or for making decisions. I also needed support, not just in dealing with practical situations, but in dealing with their emotional consequences as well. Luckily, some of my friends were generous and patient with me even though they found my circumstances unfamiliar and even threatening. A few were nurses or doctors who could help me locate resources or understand medical issues. Still, it was hit or miss. Even locating resources proved more difficult than I would have expected. Making use of them often required more information than I possessed. In addition, the task of weighing alternatives and making decisions was emotionally stressful. The year of my mothers illness was lonely and exhausting. I discovered that many people found my situation to be more complex and stressful than they could handle. I understood their reaction. The situation was more complex and stressful than I could handle, too. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter.

In the years since then, as I discovered how many other people face problems similar to those I faced, I decided to write a guide for coping with the death of a parent. When Parents Die is the outcome of this decision. As mentioned earlier, the book has its source in my own family crisis; however, Ive based it on considerably more than my personal experience. Interviews, questionnaires, and the borrowed wisdom of experts in the fields of psychology, sociology, and thanatology all enter into what follows.

I should explain what the book is and what it isnt, however, before proceeding. As the subtitle, A Guide for Adults, indicates, When Parents Die can help you find a way through the experience of losing a parent. My hope is that the information provided here will make your task easier and less frustrating than it would be otherwise, and that the variety of situations described will reassure you that your reactions are normal and understandable. In this sense, When Parents Die is a self-help manual similar to others written for the bereaved. But the book is not a how-to manual in the sense of providing a step-by-step answer to the challenges of death, loss, and grief. Death is ultimately unknowable. Loss and grief are fundamental aspects of life, yet so complex and subtle that they have defied satisfactory explanation and resolution since the time of Job. I would be irresponsible (not to mention arrogant and foolish) if I claimed that this book could remedy all the pains of bereavement.