Portia Nelson - Theres a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

CHAPTER ONE I dont know what I want sometimes, But I know that I want to know what I want. I know that once I know what I want I will be able to get it. Of course, I may not want what I get when I get it . But, at least Ill know I dont want that! Then, I can move on to something else I dont know if I want. Thats progress! Y ou say you love me for who I am . But who you think I am is not who I am.

Therefore, its hard for me to be who I am when were together because I think I have to be who you think I am. Of course, I dont know exactly who it is you think I am I just know it isnt who I am. Who am I? Well Who I am is something I recognize when someone tells me who I am not . At least, I think thats not who I am. Maybe who I am not is who I am ! If thats who I am MY GAWD you really love me. I used to suffer a great deal thinking I was the only one in the world so lonely and troubled.

Then, I opened the door to myself and discovered there were millions of people just like me. It isnt lonely anymore but its miserable to be so ordinary. I know why we are friends. Its because I dont always approve of you. You dont think you deserve approval. So if I gave it to you, you would not approve of me and I would lose your trust.

Friendship is based on trust and I want you to trust me because I need your approval. However, if I get your approval, I will not trust you because I dont think I deserve approval either. I know why we are friends. Y ou want to please me and, I want to please you so please make the decision about where we are going tonight. If I make the decision and then you dont like it, youll be mad at me and Ill be miserable all evening because I havent pleased you. Now if you try to please me and you make the decision, and I dont like it when we get there at least you will be pleased.

If I am unhappy with where we are, or what we are doing, that alright because it wont be my decision that will have made you unhappy. It will be yours. Therefore, it will be your fault! That will please me. Y ou say you will never leave me because I understand you. And I love being thought of as understanding. But, I also understand that by being so understanding, you automatically have the freedom to do as you please because if I am not understanding, you will leave me.

I think that what I really have to understand is this: In order to be so understanding all the time (so that you will not leave me), I have to leave myself. If I am not myself when I am being so understanding, who the hell is it you will never leave? Better I should not be so understanding so theres somebody you can leave. Y ou have made a fool of me! I know that I am not the most beautiful, the most talented, the most intelligent person in the world but I liked you and I wanted you to think I was. So I tried to be beautiful talented and intelligent for you. However, since I succeeded in making you believe it, naturally, I immediately lost respect for you for not seeing that I had fooled you. Now I am intelligent enough, beautiful enough and talented enough not to be associated with fools and I am incensed that I didnt see how foolish you were at once.

But I liked you then and it drove me to make you believe what I wanted you to believe . Except I was so convincing, I began to believe it myself! Now anybody who believes things like that about me is a fool. That makes me a fool! And if it werent for you believing what I wanted you to believe, I wouldnt know that. I hate you for making a fool of me! W ill you please stop trying to finish my sentences before I do? Its humiliating! After all its my sentence! Let me show it off! I know you are really trying to let me know how sensitive and smart you are and how deeply you understand me . But if you are that smart please let me think that I am smarter than you by not impressing me with how smart you are in the middle of my sentences! Of course, if I am smart enough to be aware of what you are up to Then, I should be smart enough to know it doesnt matter what you do in the middle of my sentences. Maybe Im not so smart! Now, that is humiliating! I want you to love me but I am aware that you only love what you cannot get.

So, I cant let you know that I am interested or you wont love me back. Now I hate games and dishonesty more than anything. Therefore if I love you enough to be dishonest to play a game in order to keep you interested, I will hate myself. If I hate myself, eventually, I will crack up! If I crack up at least, you wont be able to get me because I wont care or be aware that you even exist and then, maybe you will love me. Jesus! Theres got to be a simpler way! Y ou are strong vital very much in control of yourself. I admire that! I know you can help me and I need help.

But, if I allow you to help me, I will have to trust you enough to give up my own self control. If I give that up, I will begin to feel powerless without identity like a nobody! How dare you help me to be a nobody! I cannot seem to leave you though often, I think I should because even though I care I am not in love with you. But I am in love with the fact that you are in love with me. It makes me think very well of myself, When I think well of myself, I am very nice and very creative. That makes me feel worthwhile and then I love myself. The more I love myself the more you love me.

No wonder I cant leave. I wouldnt know I loved myself without you. I would like to be one A one not worried about being two! I am more one when we are three. When we are two, I become a zero. I become zero because I am afraid you will see that I am not one. When we are three, I am comfortable It doesnt matter if I am not one since I seem to become one simply because there are two being two and letting me be one.

Therefore, I am not zero I cant be Two from there is always one. So, I am more one when we are three as long as I dont worry about being two. I n the beginning everywhere I went, I didnt always go along. I didnt know it then, but I was afraid Id meet myself When we finally met, I wasnt who I expected Id be but, oh, it was a relief to have someone to be with at last. A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com 1750 S.W.

Skyline Blvd., Suite 20 Portland, Oregon 97221-2543 503-531-8700 / 503-531-8773 fax www.beyondword.com Copyright 2012 by Portia Nelson Originally published by Popular Library 1977, ISBN 0-445-03199-9 Previously published by Stonebarn 1988, ISBN 978-0-96211-590-5 and by Beyond Words Publishing 1993, ISBN 978-0-94183-187-1 All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever without the prior written permission of Atria Books/Beyond Words Publishing, Inc., except where permitted by law. Managing editor: Lindsay S. Brown Design: Devon Smith Jacket design by Jerry Soga and Devon Smith Author photograph by Ann Limongello First Atria Books/Beyond Words paperback edition October 2018 and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. BEYOND WORDS PUBLISHING and colophon are registered trademarks of Beyond Words Publishing. Beyond Words is an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For more information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or .