Erica Manfred - Hes History, Youre Not: Surviving Divorce After 40

Advance praise for Hes History, Youre Not

Divorce is the loss of a relationship and the death of dreams. It is also a beginning with new hope and possibility. Reading Hes History, Youre Not is like having a friend on your side to help you let go of the past, get through the turmoil, and turn to a better future.

Abigail Trafford, author of Crazy Time and As Time Goes By: Boomerang Marriages, Serial Spouses, Throwback Couples, and Other Romantic Adventures in an Age of Longevity

Erica Manfred wants to be your best girlfriend, the one who stands by your side every step of the way through the tsunami of divorce. And, with this book, she succeeds. But not only is she a best girlfriend, shes a smart girlfriend offering great advice on emotional, legal, financial, and spiritual matters, thoroughly researched and referenced for those who want to dig deeperand for later, when its time to move on, she offers advice on Internet dating as well. Best of all, Manfred herself has walked every inch of the divorce plank and with disarming honesty lets us see her own successes and failures on the road back to sanity. A must read for anyone contemplating a divorce or going through one.

Susan Richards, author of Chosen Forever

Erica Manfreds Hes History, Youre Not is for every woman who suffers the anguish of a ruptured relationship. Having survived and surmounted the pain of her own divorce, Manfred is every readers wise friend, sharing her own story and the fund of knowledge she accrued along the way so the rest of us need never feel alone or believe we cant survive. For we can; and we do, as Manfred teaches us, inevitably emerge the stronger for it.

Florence Falk, psychotherapist, and author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone

Hes History, Youre Not is like sitting down with an older sister who has already gone through a divorce and can guide you around the pitfalls. Manfred offers a unique, and desperately needed, take on divorce for mature women. Her advice is money-smart, wise, and on target. A straight talking, clear-eyed, and savvy guide, this is required reading for the over-forty divorcee.

Brette Sember, J.D., author of The Complete Divorce Handbook and The Divorce Organizer & Planner

Erica Manfred turned a bad situation into great lessons for other women going through midlife divorce. Her honesty and her ability to find the humor in her experiences make this book a fun yet constructive read.

Daylle Deanna Schwartz, author of Nice Girls Can Finish First

Erica Manfreds book is exactly what it sets out to be: the warm, witty, gritty, kind, and very knowing friend whos forged ahead, through a forbidding place, and blazed the trail before you. Its packed with information, beautifully organized, and full of funny, poignant, and inspiring stories. It is, in the truest sense, a companion volume, the book youll want to keep beside you as you forge your own new life.

Noelle (Fintushel) Oxenhandler, author of The Wishing Year and coauthor of A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years

Hes History, Youre Not needed to be written at least a decade ago (or, at least, before my own divorce happened). Its a fun(!), fresh, and practical approach to surviving the big break-upa must read for anyone over forty, at any stage of the divorce process, whether about to be divorced, just divorced, long divorced, or even just thinking about divorce (wives of certain prominent politicians, take note). Manfreds first-hand tale is compelling not only for its details, but also for the very specific and practical advice she hands out. As an attorney of more than twenty-five years, I will be handing out copies of Manfreds book along with a pack of tissues to all of my female divorce clients. And, maybe to the male clients, too, since many of the tips would work for either gender.

Susan Ellis Wild, coauthor of The Unofficial Guide to Getting a Divorce

This is one of the few divorce books that addresses the fact that divorce has a different meaning at every age. Manfred is so candid about her own divorce as a woman of a certain age that readers are sure to feel theyve found a wise friend to see them through the trauma of divorce and help them discover their postdivorce selves. I wish Id had this book when I went through my divorce.

Theo Pauline Nestor, author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed

Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to finances to dating and sex. Manfred spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel shes your best friend sharing her mistakes so you dont have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny!

Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty

HES HISTORY,

YOURE NOT

SURVIVING DIVORCE

AFTER 40

Erica Manfred

Foreword by Tina Tessina, Ph.D.

Guilford, Connecticut

An imprint of The Globe Pequot Press

GPP Life gives women answers they can trust.

Copyright 2009 by Erica Manfred

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to The Globe Pequot Press, Attn: Rights and Permissions Department, P.O. Box 480, Guilford, CT 06437.

GPP Life is an imprint of The Globe Pequot Press.

Text design: Sheryl P. Kober

Layout: Joanna Beyer

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

E-ISBN 978-0-7627-9618-2

To my daughter Freda who asked me to dedicate this book not only to her, but to all the divorced kids out there.

CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Grieving is a Full-Time Job:
How to Survive the FirstWorstYear

Chapter 2: Before You Give Up:
Reconciliation Strategies That Work

Chapter 3: You and Your Divorce Lawyer:
A LoveHate Relationship

Chapter 4: Living Alone and Liking It:
It Is Possible to Be Happy Without a Man

Chapter 5: No, You Will Not Become a Bag Lady:
Playing Your Cards Right

Chapter 6: Waiting Until the Kids Are Grown:
The Kids Are Never Grown

Chapter 7: What the Hell Happened to You Marriage?:
You Do Need to Figure It Out

Chapter 8: Reinventing Yourself:
How to Become Who You Really Are

Chapter 9: Dating Again:
On That Little Screen and Off It

Chapter 10: But I Love Her:
Coping with Betrayal

Chapter 11: Forgiving the Bastard and Moving On:
Forgive Yourself First

FOREWORD

Just What You Need

Im so glad Erica wrote this book. As a therapist, I work with couples trying to save their marriages, and with individuals whose marriages dissolved. I think both groups will benefit from reading Hes History, Youre Not.