Megan Devine - How to Carry What Cant Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief

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Boulder, CO 80306

2021 Megan Devine

Sounds True is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author(s) and publisher.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical recommendations of physicians, mental health professionals, or other healthcare providers. Rather, it is intended to offer information to help the reader cooperate with physicians, mental health professionals, and health providers in a mutual request for optimum well-being. We advise readers to carefully review and understand the ideas presented and to seek the advice of a qualified professional before attempting to use them.

Published 2021

Cover and book design by Karen Polaski

Cover image and illustrations 2021 by Naya Ismael

ISBN 978-1-68364-370-8 (print)
ISBN 978-1-00000-000-0 (ebook)

introduction
Finding Your Way with This Book (and Your Grief)

We have this idea that there are only two options in grief: you can push yourself through to the other side, so that grief is over and done and youre happy again, or you can stay stuck in grief, locked in a dark room, alone, wearing sackcloth and rocking in a corner.

Its like a pass/fail test for the human heart.

With all the information out there on healing your grief, putting the past behind you, and harnessing the power of positive thinking, it can seem like everyone thinks your grief is a problem to be solved. The thing is, treating grief like a disease isnt going to make it better.

Grief isnt a problem to be solved; its an experience to be carried.

If youre going to survive your grief, youll need to find ways to inhabit griefto live between those two extremes of all better and hopelessly doomed. You need tools to build a life alongside your loss, not make that loss disappear.

As impossible as it might seem, you can survive your grief. It wont be all sunshine and roses, and its not going to be easy. Everything I offer in this workbook is meant to help you come into relationship with grief, to help you learn how to carry it, and most of all, to help you come to yourself with kindnessfor all youve had to live.

This journal is a place to tell the truth about your griefall of it. Its a place to let grief stretch out, take form, and be as loud, long, bad, painful, melancholy, sad, and sweet as it wants to be, without anyone trying to pretty it up or rush you along. Its a place to note even the beautiful parts, and to explore the things that make your grief even the tiniest bit easier on you. On the page, everything is welcome.

Youll find writing and drawing prompts that go beyond tell us about the funeral, and messages of encouragement from other grievers that are decidedly not cheerleading. It includes checklists and interactive comics to complete, secret love notes to write, and handy customize-and-cut-out sections to help you educate well-meaning friends and family. (Many of these are also available as downloads. Check the resources section at the back of this book.) Theres even a section of scripts you can copy to help you navigate awkward conversations.

This journal also acts as a daily anchor. Circling back to the prompts, quotes, and exercises gives you something to do, every day, inside your grief. When life feels wholly overwhelming, those touchstones are important.

In my own early months of grief, I felt resistance to anything that promised to make my grief go away. Maybe you feel that way too. Nothing is going to take your grief away. Not this workbook. Not any resource. The removal of grief is not what were going for. Instead, were looking for companionship, acknowledgment, and the tools to make all of this just a little bit more gentle on your heart and your mind. I want to help you build on what you already know of yourself, find the love that remains, and follow it forward into all the life that is to come.

If you find yourself resisting any of the practices or exercises in this book, you can always write or draw your resistance. Explore it. Sometimes it has interesting things to say.

My grief-related work relates largely to death, but you can use this book for other losses too. Because I dont mention every kind of loss in this book, there will be spots where youll need to put on your translator ears, listening for the way the words relate to your life. Its also important to note that you might not love every single thing in this book. Different exercises work for different people. Take what you need and skip the rest. My hope is that you find enough to keep you company.

Lets get started.

This journal is meant to be written in, drawn on, carried around with you to serve as an anchor in a storm, and even hurled across the room when that seems like the right thing to do.

As we get started, a few basic instructions might be helpful. Use them or ignore them as you wish.

The charts, lists, and maps in this book are meant to help you understand your grief, and to help you learn how to support yourself inside it. No matter how many losses youve faced in your life, this is the first time for this loss. Be curious about your experience.

Keep in mind that you can revisit the exercises anytime. Like any natural process, grief will shift and change over time, as will your responses to this books prompts. What you needed the first time you completed an exercise might be different today, or tomorrow, or next week. Everything is always a work in progress.

If youre unfamiliar with using writing prompts, here are some notes on writing:

• Set a timer. Really. Youll be surprised how that helps. Ten minutes is a good place to start.
• Keep your hand moving! Keep writing until the timer goes off.
• If you get stuck, write out the prompt itself. Repeating the prompt is like priming a pump that has gone dry: it may take some time for the words to start flowing, but they will indeed flow.