Andrea Miller - Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love

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An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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Copyright 2017 by Andrea Miller

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

First Atria Books hardcover edition March 2017

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Interior design by Dana Sloan

Jacket design by Dan Rembert

Jacket photograph by Johanna Parkin/Getty Images

Author photograph Fabian Jimenez

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Miller, Andrea, author.

Title: Radical acceptance : the secret to happy, lasting love / Andrea Miller.

Description: First Atria Books hardcover edition. | New York : Atria Books, 2017.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016039291 (print) | LCCN 2016049169 (ebook) | ISBN9781501139208 (hardback) | ISBN 9781501139215 (paperback) | ISBN9781501139222 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Love. | Self-acceptance. | Interpersonal relations. | BISAC:FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage. | SELF-HELP / Personal Growth /Self-Esteem.

Classification: LCC BF575.L8 M46 2017 (print) | LCC BF575.L8 (ebook) | DDC306.7dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016039291

ISBN 978-1-5011-3920-8

ISBN 978-1-5011-3922-2 (ebook)

To Sanjay, the love of my life.

T HIS BOOK IS for everyone who wants to achieve happy, lasting love; to feel more confident and compassionate; to have greater emotional resilience; and to be more connected to friends and family. I hope my message will appeal to you regardless of your age, gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion.

That said, my perspective is largely informed by my own experiences as a married, heterosexual woman. After considerable deliberation, I decided to narrate this book in a conversational girlfriend-to-girlfriend tone to avoid subjecting you to a bevy of pronouns in an effort to make the voice as neutral as possible. (I tried, I promise.) This would have only made for tiresome writing and even more tiresome reading.

Instead, I interviewed and observed people with very different backgrounds, and have incorporated their stories and insights to create as inclusive an environment as possible. As youll see in this book, Radical Acceptance transcends labels. Love is paramount, no matter what form it takes. Please remember that I am here for you, regardless of how you identify yourself.

Speaking of identities: I have carefully concealed the identity of the individuals referenced in this book. With the exception of Sanjay and me, along with a handful of references to friends and family whose stories offer positive examples for this book, virtually all other names and identifying features have been changed.

This book is for people at every stage of love they may find themselves in. Whether you are single, dating, engaged, married, living together, nursing a broken heart, going through a divorce or breakup, or describe your situation as complicated, Radical Acceptance is for you. Youll see references to and stories about people in all stages of love throughout the book.

I have laid this book out very deliberately to ease you into the Radical Acceptance mind-set and help you build a strong foundation for it. In part 1, we begin with an overview of Radical Acceptance and address different scenarios you may find yourself in. By the time you enter part 2, which features the five steps to Radical Acceptance, my goal is for your heart and mind to be open and engaged to ensure you get the most out of this book.

I have peppered all sections with entertaining and informative morsels. While they may not all apply to you at exactly this moment, many of them, I suspect, will be relatable nevertheless, and may be helpful to you in the future or may offer insights for you to share with a friend. For instance, there are many insights and anecdotes in part 1 that are targeted to people who are single or dating, but a number of them are likely to prove useful to you even if youre in a long-term relationship or married. From flirting to fighting to infidelity to building trust in your relationship and learning to manage expectations, these chapters are filled with material that I hope you find interesting and useful, no matter what love stage you are in.

My wish is that youll read the entire text from beginning to end, perhaps make notes in the margins, your e-reader, or your journal, and then return to the parts that resonated with you, challenged you, or inspired you. Youll find that this book is packed to the gills with wisdom, thoughtful advice, illuminating anecdotes, scientific research, inspiring quotes, cameo appearances from popular cultural icons, and so much more. It may be tough to take it all in at once, even for you ultra-careful readers. In any event, I hope you love it.

Finally! I would truly love if you were to share feedback with me during your Radical Acceptance journey via social media and through my website. Together, we can spark a Radical Acceptance movement, leading to much more love, compassion, and happiness in our world.

Now, lets get started!

O NE NIGHT, AFTER years of living with my boyfriend Sanjay, one of our disagreements became too much. You are impossible! I shouted at him. I love you, but I cant keep doing this. I bolted out of the apartment we shared on the Upper West Side and, shaking with anger, stormed down Broadway and stopped at a hotel to inquire about a room. I wound up instead sitting in a dark, dingy Irish pub nearby drinking tea and reading a book until three a.m.

Walking back home late that night, and in the days following, I thought a lot about my relationship with Sanjay, whom I had fallen for the instant I laid eyes on him. He was the most brilliant man Id ever met, and I loved him dearly. But our relationship was riddled with conflict. We had chemistry galore and were committed to each other, yet we sustained a lot of frustration that never seemed to get resolved. This wasnt because either of us had fatal flaws. In fact, we were very much alike: well-educated, ambitious, hard-working professionals who had a lot of fun together, who endeavored to have a family and share a rewarding, love- and joy-filled life.