J.B. Snow - Gaslighting: The Ultimate Narcissistic Mind Control

Copyright 2016 J.B. Snow

Published by J.B. Snow at Smashwords

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Table of Contents

Introduction

You try to commiserate with your friends andfamily, but they seem to shun you lately. Your friends dont knowwhat you are talking about when you complain about your unhealthyrelationship. They think that your partner is a perfect angel. Yourfamily is confused about your erratic behaviors. Everyone thinksthat you have gone stark-raving mad. You try to get your wits aboutyou, but your partner is always there to tell you that you areworthless, clingy, emotional, needy, and crazy.

Maybe his parents and his other familymembers are supportive of him. They dont seem to like you. Hischarm has won over everyone else. You wonder if you are the one whois the problem. After all, why cant everyone else see that yourpartner is causing the decline in your mental health? Why dontthey empathize with your emotional pain?

You dont feel like yourself anymore. Youfeel like a shell of your former self. You were so much vibrant andlive-loving before you met the narcissist in your life. You lovehim, but you recognize that he is tearing you down at the sametime. You wonder why your relationship isnt supportive, loving andfilled with personal growth.

The problem is this: you cant tell which oneof you is crazy. At first, you were certain it was him. But lately,you wonder if your own sense of sanity is declining. You feelemotional, exhausted, depressed, frazzled, stressed and confused.You think that you might even suffer a nervous breakdown any secondnow. Not even the counselors believe the suffering that you areexperiencing. Most people have no idea what you are goingthrough.

If you are feeling this way, my friend, thereis a simple explanation. You may be dating or married to anarcissist. Your self-absorbed partner may be gas-lighting andmanipulating you. He may cycle between love-bombing and distancinghimself from you. He seems to be a nice guy to your face sometimes,but then you find out that he is talking bad about you to others.He seems to triangulate you with other women or family members inorder to make you jealous and boost his own ego.

Does he talk you in circles when you confronthim about his whereabouts when he is running late? Does he tell youthat you are being too clingy, too emotional, and too needywhen you say that you want to spend time together? Does he getdefensive when you want to move the relationship forward in anyway? Does he balk at anything resembling maturity andcommitment?

Does he isolate you from friends and familyso that he has the opportunity to win everyone over to his side?Does he stop you from having any independence because he is afraidthat you will leave him if you had some moral support? Is hisself-esteem wavering to the point where he thinks that you mightget smart if you talk to others? Does he fear you figuring outwhat he is up to, especially if other people validate it toyou?

What is gas-lighting?

Gas-lighting is the attempt of another personto twist your reality. The purpose of gas-lighting is often toforce another person to experience or accept an alternate reality.Gas-lighting is used in order to pass someones bad feelings ontoanother person. Narcissists cannot and do not take responsibilityfor their own behavior. Instead, they seek to shame and blameothers in order to dodge the bad feelings. This is sometimesreferred to as projection.

The Narcissist at HisCore

Narcissists are very immature. Many of them have theemotional stability of a child who is around the age of 9. Manyparents of narcissists did not teach their child life skills beyondthis point. Once the child began to individuate in a normal way,the parent either suffocated the child by being over-protective, orinvalidated the child emotionally. Either way, the child becamestunted in their own personal growth in the absence of a healthyadult to help to open doors for them in the real world.

A child without opportunity ceases to grow.They become wrapped up inside their own emotional pain from beinginvalidated and ignored. They suffer from Complex PTSD and PTSDfrom childhood trauma. A child who suffers from childhood traumaoften goes on to suffer to emotional relationship trauma later asan adult. The narcissist has been so wrapped up in himself andlicking his childhood wounds that he forgot to learn how to relateto other people in his adolescence. This sets him backsignificantly in his maturity in his twenties and thirties.

A narcissist who has grown up in a home withbusy, frazzled or harried parents often doesnt see his parentsinteracting in healthy ways. Without this solid foundation, heoften grows up feeling as though relationships are not all thatimportant. If his role models instilled work ethics in him, it isfar more likely that he will spend most of his time and energies onbeing successful at work. He will avoid the home and family life,which is the location which he feels the least successful overalldue to his lack of adequate role-modeling and his lack incommunication skills.

Many of us marry beneath us. We are attractedto the boyish charm of the narcissist. He is playful, witty, andfunny. He is sexy in a childish way. We see him as the playfulparent to his children. He makes us forget about our own problemsand our own responsibilities with his whimsical and childishbehaviors. The narcissist uses escapism in order to make his lifemore fulfilling, as he is often lacking in many of the skillsrequired to be successful later in life.

According to the popular book by Dan Kiley,the narcissist is the Peter Pan man and we are the Wendy. Wefeel the need to fix him, to nurture him and to coddle him. Helashes out towards us in the way that a child would. He dislikesauthority, and he eventually views his partner as an authorityfigure just for having sense of responsibility towards the world.He negates the needs of the world and the social rules that heshould be conforming to, and he bucks anything else that remotelyresembles social norms.

The narcissist thinks that he is special andabove all others. He dislikes that others are better at certainthings than he is. He will often seek to sabotage or spoil someoneelses efforts in order to take credit. He hates when others pointout his mistakes, and thus he will work to embarrass anyone whodoes this to him. He often has a fantastical temperament which heunleashes whenever he allows it to. He thrives on his boyish charm,and thus his temper is only shown to those who question thespecial treatment that he demands from others.

The narcissist has many unhealthy copingmechanisms. He may use sex, drugs or alcohol in order to numb hislow self-confidence and self-esteem. He might become impulsive andreckless in order to seek stimulation, because he is often unableto get it in healthy ways. He often lacks foresight and planning,and thus cannot foresee the consequences that will be doled out indirect relation to his actions.

Different types of narcissists may employdifferent types of gas-lighting: intentional gas-lighting orunintentional gas-lighting. The narcissists strengths, weaknesses,and brain wiring often dictate which type of gas-lighting he willuse.

Intentional gas-lighting

Intentional gas-lighting means that the narcissistis covertly or overtly manipulating, lying, and distorting realityfor the victim. People who are victimized by intentionalgas-lighting become more and more erratic in their own behavior.They question their own sanity and motives. They get paralyzed intheir ability to trust others or to make even the most trivialdecision.