Ballard - Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery

Published by Zari Ballard @Smashwords

Copyright@2013 ZariBallard

SMASHWORDS

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for yourpersonal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or givenaway to other people. If you would like to share this book withanother person, please purchase an additional copy for eachrecipient. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, orit was not purchased for your use only,

In thisbook, when I refer to narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths asbeing of the male gender, it is only for the sake of convenienceand because I am speaking about my own relationship experience. AnN/S/P can be male or female with the exact same characteristics andI absolutely welcome any reader of either gender who hasexperienced a narcissistic partner.

Also, please understandthat Stop Spinning, Start Breathing is a recovery journal written from my own personalperspective. Deliberately non-clinical in content, this book offersno psychological explanations for the behaviors of narcissists oranyone similar (or for our behaviors relative to them) nor does itencourage cutting these types of partners any slack whatsoever.Like When Love Is a Lie , this book is about the realityof the situation and those having had the experience willunderstand exactly what I am talking about.

Thank you forreading..

At the grandiose point thatwe realize that our partner is a narcissist/sociopath (N/S) ,we can also safely assume that we've been his/her enabler for avery long time. Its a crazy, addiction co-dependency thathas almost has as much to do with our allowing it as it does withthe narcissist'smanipulation . I say almost because I believe that credit should be given where credit isdue and the narcissist deserves most of the credit. Victims aremanipulated into uncertainty to the point of second-guessing eventhe cold, hard facts. Our love life is continually played out onan unsteady high wire.that incredibly fine line between whatwe know ishappening, what we think is happening, and what we hope isn t happening. So, when we do realize whats upand that lo and behold we were, for all intents and purposes, awilling participant, its a hard pill to swallow. The good news,however, is that if we choose to accept it and vow to undo it, weget to take a giant step forward on the game board, moving us thatmuch closer to mentally breaking free from this very toxicindividualmoving us that much closer to our much-neededrecovery.

The truth of the matter isone that applies to just about any uncomfortable situation: what we allow is what willcontinue . If we allow the narcissistto disappear and reappear...to give us the deafening silent treatment over andover ... topress the proverbial relationship reset button whenever he feelslike it...then he will continue to do so until the end of time.Keep in mind that to a narcissist, this kind of bullshit never getsold. He lovesit . It makes him feel gloriously aliveand in control. If you allow it...hell, he's in narcissisticheaven.

And, on the chance that you feel I'mbeing judgmental about game participation, heres a few darklycomedic anecdotes from my own narcissistic hell:

One wee morning hour(around 4am), approximately two years and four silent treatmentsinto the relationship, my ex and I were sitting in a studio (wewere both musicians) playing guitar and having a grand old time.About eight hours earlier, he had finally called wanting to seeafter six weeks of absolute silence. During those six weeks, I hadbeen inconsolable, having no idea why he'd disappeared again (thisbeing a time pre-"aha" moment, of course). I'd stopped eating, beenunable to sleep, and written letter after letter trying to get himto respond but to no avail. Needless to say, relieved that hefinally called, I happily accepted. So there we were,singing, laughing, and me feeling skinny, sleep-deprived, and ashappy as can be when he suddenly put down his guitar, looked at mein loving amazement and pondered out loud "Wow. Why do you love me?I don't even call you."

Nice. My response, if I'mnot mistaken, was to have sex with him right there on the studiofloor. Wow isright. Even the narcissist was amazed at my enablingcapabilities.

Then there was thetime, about six years later, that Wayne (yes, thats his realname), after cheating on me, admitting it, and then tryingeverything - including smacking me on the head - to pull me out ofmy crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far.Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob,pleading "Why? Why? Why did you do it?" until the N, unable topretend a second longer, threw up his hands in exasperation andyelled, "I don't know! I always figured I could do whatever Iwanted and you'd still take me back!"

My reaction to this burstof honesty escapes me (thank God) but lets just say that thisparticular incident occurred after the "a-ha" moment and aboutfour years before we broke upso, (sigh) we can all do theunfortunate math.

Over the years, therewere countless times where Id ask "Why do you do it?" or "Why doyou treat me this way?" and he'd calmly reply, "Why do you let me?"Id counter that with something brutally honest (but ineffectual)like "Because I'm an idiot" orsomething equally pathetic and implausible asB ecause I keep hoping you'llchange".

Either way, what came to pass for meas a result was inevitable and, even now, it gives me a knot in mystomach. I was a Narcissist's Enabler. And the fact that you'rereading this probably means you've been a Narcissist's Enabler aswell. In fact, I can say with confidence that anyone who lets anarcissist back in even after just one silent treatment is aNarcissist's Enabler.

The narcissist uses the silenttreatment to not only gauge our level of codependency and/orenabling capability but also to gauge his level of control at any giventime. This is why the silent treatment always seems to occurout the blue, catching us off-guard. Something that we do orsay causes a warning bell to go off in the narcissist's twistedhead indicating that we might not be as gung-ho for his program ashed assumed.

Shit, what's going onhere? Better give her the silent treatment so I can get the levelson this.

What we allow is what willcontinue . And I understand this becauseI allowed foryears and years. I was all apologies all the time without knowingwhat I was apologizing for. In the end, after nearly thirteenyears, when I finally stopped allowing (and my levels kept comingback negative), the N left for good and he has never returned. Thatwas a little over a year ago and not a word since. Obviously, theperson(s) on the other receiving end of his narcissistic evil was - andstill is (are) - being compliant. To whoever holds this covetedposition, I say good luck withthatandbetter you than me. But nothing about any of this is easy and the pain is aspainful as it gets.

This book is about feelingbetter.about getting back on the road to normal and away from thespinning. By that, I mean the mindset of madness that prevents anarcissists victim from ever getting to a place wherefeeling better let alone feeling normal - seems even the slightest bit possible. Spinningis all about the thinking the ruminatingthedwelling.the misappropriated concentrationthe twisted focusyes,its all about that . The N encourages our spinning by giving us a long list ofthings to think and worry about - none of which are good and all ofwhich are about him. If hes performed his duties well, he may nothave to utter even a single word to get you to worry as hard ashed like you to. Or he may choose to do the opposite, speaking thewords dont worry about a thing with just the right inflection inhis voice to keep you off-balance. Either way, youre smart and heknows it so hes confident youll get the message.