H. Norman Wright - Experiencing the Loss of a Family Member: Discover the Path to Hope and Healing

2014 H. Norman Wright

Published by Bethany House Publishers

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Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of

Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan

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Ebook edition created 2014

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-6768-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Other versions used are:

AMP Scripture taken from the Amplified Bible , Copyright 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

ESV Scripture taken from the English Standard Version , Copyright 2001. The ESV and English Standard Version are trademarks of Good News Publishers.

GNB Scripture taken from the Good News Translation, Second Edition, Copyright 1992 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.

KJV King James Version . Authorized King James Version.

THE MESSAGE Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE . Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

NASB Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible , 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

NCV Scriptures quoted from The Holy Bible, New Century Version , copyright 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee. Used by permission.

NLT Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation , copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

TLB Scripture quotations marked ( TLB ) are taken from The Living Bible , copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Contents

A Woman and Her Mother; A Man and His Father

Introduction

If you are reading this book, you have probably experienced a loss in your life. It could be one of the worst in your lifethe death of a family member. Losses abound in life, but we would rather avoid them, especially the loss of a loved one.

When a member of your immediate family dies, you experience a painful transition from your familiar world. You are plunged into a new life that you dont like. This death can also end or threaten your plans for the future.

When you lose a family member, its not only an individual loss. Yes, your life will be impacted, but so will the entire familys. What you knew as family is gone. All of you will have to discover how to function together in a new way. There is a shift in the balance of your family. Who is supposed to do what? Some roles are obvious and some are not.

Each member of your family will respond differently to the loss because of his or her own losses and relationship with the deceased. Everyone will struggle and make adjustments. What if someone wants to empty the house, but the others want it left intact with pictures up? What if someone wants the traditional holiday, but others want it changed? What if the inheritance doesnt seem fair to everyone?

The loss of any family member throws the entire family into crisis. To understand the enormous stress that a death inflicts on the family as a wholeand on each of its membersit is helpful to consider your familys functioning methods during routine times. To what degree do you believe your family was healthy? A healthy, unstressed family will operate under certain circumstances and systems. Each family member in the system is related by heredity and emotions to each of the others, and each member is crucial to the familys organization and balanced functioning powers. Your family unit provides protection and sustenance to you and to each person within the unit, and gives a sense of belonging and togetherness. Each of you has found his or her own identity within this unit but also has realized that each was a separate individual.

Any family death disrupts the delicate balance between the family togetherness and its members individuality. Whoever has died held a specific role of importance to the family structure. Eventually, the remaining family members will assume these responsibilities. The surviving parent will take on those obligations that require an adults experience. The children will fill in with those abilities that are in keeping with their ages and development. Until this occurs, though, the familys normal patterns of interacting are short-circuited. Before new and successful family patterns can be established, each family member must make significant adjustments. This includes not only your role as a family member but also your relationship to every family member. This is not a step easily taken in the midst of suffering.

Before the construction of new family roles can begin, each person needs time and space to absorb the loss in his or her own way. All members must maintain the ability to disengage from the unit when necessary. But disengagement can be carried too far.

How do you see others grieving as well as changing their roles? What difficulties do you anticipate? What do you need from each other? What do all the other family members need from you?

Some deaths are considered natural and timely. Theyre expected, especially at a certain age and with accompanying physical problems. But many others are not expected.

Death comes in many forms, bringing with it varying degrees of pain, sorrow and grief. When it comes, it disrupts your life story. It is a time when you are vulnerable in several areas.

You are vulnerable in your connections with those who die. Objects, things, places, events and other people are always there to remind you of your loss. Personal items, where your loved one lived, the places your loved one frequented, their special days and eventsall are reminders that impact you.

Youre also vulnerable to the loss of stability. Your daily routines and life patterns have been disrupted. The more you were involved in the everyday life of the deceased loved one, the greater your adjustment to the loss. You see yourself no longer as a complete person now that your loved one is gone. Its difficult to go on with life without , and you may feel incomplete in your present life story. Its difficult to see the future as you once did. Many say they feel fragmented. Perhaps you do as well.

You may have unfinished businessplans and dreams for the future; conversations you meant to have or needed to have; the cessation of what you expected to take place in the next five years; not being able to share yourself with the person, or not being able to say Goodbye or I love you or Please forgive me or I forgive you. If the death was a child, youre denied the opportunity to nurture and teach and watch the child grow up.

You may experience the continuing effect of a painful relationship. Its difficult to cope with loss when there were strong negative feelings complicating your grief. You may experience guilt or anger over your feelings toward the person. Perhaps you were ministered to or, just the opposite, traumatized by the deceased, or perhaps it was the other way around. Possibly you feel responsible for the death or for failing to meet the persons needs.