H. Norman Wright - Loving Your Mother Without Losing Your Mind

2007 by H. Norman Wright and Sheryl Wright Macauley

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Spire edition published 2010

Previously published in 2006 by Bethany House as Making Peace with Your Mom

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 06.20.2016 (VBN), 11.13.2017

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1224-5

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations labeled AMP are from the Amplified Bible, copyright 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org

Scripture quotations identified NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. www.lockman.org

Contents

Introduction

10. Having Courage to Express Yourself

This book is a team effort in more ways than one. First, it reflects the experiences and insights my dad, Norm Wright, and I have had both personally and professionally. In his forty-plus years of counseling, Dad has seen the painful effects of difficult family situations and broken relationships. Thankfully, he and I have also been blessed to see how God, our heavenly Father, has brought hope and healing to many familiesincluding our own. Because of my rebellion while growing up, as well as other circumstances (which youll read about), my relationship with my mom and dad wasnt always the best, particularly in my twenties. I wish our struggles hadnt occurred, but I can say they have given me a fuller perspective on the wide range of mother-daughter relationships. Interestingly, my work as a manicurist has also played a part in this book. Dad says that I have helped as many women as some counselors have while I worked on their nails. I guess that could be true, because it does seem that many women who would never talk to a counselor or pastor share their experiences with me and are looking for insights.

The second way this book is a team effort is that it is based on an exclusive national survey of women. Grown daughters were invited to share their own stories about their relationships with their moms. We think theres much to be gained from the thoughts and experiences of others.

For me, I was the firstborn and very much my dads shadow when I was young. This is not unusual, because after the age of four most little girls switch from wanting to be with their mother to adoring their fathereven standing by the front door when its time for Dad to come home.

My father and I are extremely outgoing and very similar in personality. From early on, he encouraged me to experience outdoor activities and athletics. When I was seven, my brother, Matthew, was born. Soon my parents realized that his development wasnt normal. Doctors and numerous tests confirmed that he was severely mentally retarded.

As much as a retarded child is a gift to a family, Matthew needed a tremendous amount of extra care and work. Its amazing, though, how the Lord uses unusual family dynamics to provide the opportunity to balance situations that could otherwise tear families apart. Mom was an amazing caregiver to both of us, but as to be expected, she had to spend much more time caring for Matthew than for me. Even so, I didnt really notice because I was much older and in every sense a daddys girl. I adored my mother but shared more with my father.

In my teens I became more independent. My relationship with Mom was good, with only a few bumps during my high school yearswhich is not unusual for teenage girls. I was involved with our high school church group and I had opportunities to go to retreats and weekend camps.

I dont think my parents were aware at the time that there was quite a bit going on in my mind. I was very artistic but not sure how to channel that talent. I wanted to fit in with my friends, but artsy kids were considered weird, so I stuffed it. After taking a few art classes, though, my parents began to realize that I really was quite artistic.

After high school, I attended Biola College. I have to say it was rather intimidating attending the same school where my father was a professor. In the dorms, my roomie and I hit it off, but not in the most positive ways. Our activities included sneaking out, smoking, and a few other things I dont want to mention.

After a year at Biola, I entered my twenties and began to drift down the wrong path. I became a little distant from both of my parents. If I did need to share something personal, I would go to my mom because I didnt want to see the disappointment on my fathers face when he learned about my activities.

I was twenty-eight when I got married, and shortly after, a shift began. Mom and I began to share more with each other and I learned much about her history, thought processes, and the hidden rebel in herand I mean hidden. She shared extensively about her childhood and teen years. No doubt I had heard some of it before, but I probably wasnt paying attention. It was fascinating to learn more about her and realize how much I really was like her.

For years, my husband, Bill, and I tried in vain to have children. Through prayer and encouragement from trusted family and friends, we decided to adopt. How the Lord sent a birth mom to us can only be described as a miracle. A young Christian girl who loved the Lord and was at the end of her pregnancy was searching for adoptive parents. We met, and from start to finish it was a mere six weeks. On the day Shaelyn was born, amongst the tears and joy, there was a sudden surge in my soul of Help, I need my mommy! There was a shift in the universe, and suddenly I began to understand my mother more than ever.

At some point, most women in their thirties and forties look into the mirror and realize, Oh my goodness, Ive turned into my mother! For me this was a relief. I realize how much Ive learned from my motherespecially in spiritual mattersand I want my daughter to experience what a precious soul my mother has. If I can be half the godly mother and wife she is, I will be happy. Of course, cute idiosyncrasies come along with it, but I wont mention those!

As an older parent (we were forty when Shaelyn was born), I feel blessed that my daughter could get to know her grandparents, especially my mother. I cant remember when she wasnt there for me emotionally and spiritually. She was such a great role model during my rebellious years, even though I didnt appreciate it then. It actually annoyed me how well-grounded she was. Theres a depth to her that brings stability in the midst of difficulty and pain. She has shaped my life in more ways than I realized even ten years ago. Mom is one of the most nonjudgmental women I know.

I believe this gift was acquired from her mother, who was precious and sweet and spiritually strong. During the past twenty years I have realized I can go to Mom with any problem. Even if she was disappointed in me, she did not judge or condemn me for my actions. She would encourage me to go to Jesus and ask for direction and help. Ive always respected her, but that respect increases almost daily, and coauthoring this book has helped me realize how close we have become since I became a mom.