Crystal Thomas - Learning to Love: A Journey into Loving Yourself

Learning
To Love

By Crystal Thomas

Learning to Love
2010 Crystal Thomas. All rights reserved.

All illustrations are copyright of the author and are also reproduced here in the spirit of publicity. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopying or recording, except for the inclusion in a review, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by BQB Publishing
(Boutique of Quality Books Publishing)
www.bqbpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 978-0-9828689-0-4

Library of Congress No. 2010932165

Book and cover design
by Darlene & Dan Swanson
www.van-garde.com

Dedication

To my daughter... my love for you becomes even
deeper and richer as I learn to love myself more and more.
My greatest aspiration is that as I continue down my path,
I become an even better role model for you.

To my husband Rick... learning to love myself has opened up
my heart to experience the deep love that I feel for you.

To my ex-husband Joe... thank you for all of the
wonderful lessons you taught me about the
importance of learning to love myself first!

Contents

This book is the evolution of a present I gave to my husband at a time of great difficulty in our marriage. Our effort to communicate was failing, and I needed to do something to save the day. Fortunately, I knew precisely what was wrong. It was him. It sounds a little harsh when I frame it that way, but he needed to learn to love and appreciate himself. If he could do that, I knew it would be good for our marriage and good for him as well, a true win-win.

I conceived the perfect plan to approach such a delicate issue. I would put something in writing that we could use as a vehicle to better communicate with each other. First, I thought about all the changes that he could make that would improve our relationship, and I listed them. Then, my thought process moved to my husband needing to practice these qualities toward himself to display them with me. The idea of You can only [quality] another when you [quality] yourself first gelled. For example, You can only LOVE another when you LOVE yourself first.

Honestly, I was on to something pretty special! Then the idea of scrapbooking came to mind. It was something that I had never done before in my entire lifemy novice attempt to do so is reflected in the artwork in this book. This was how Learning to Love was born.

After dinner on the evening the book was completed, I told my husband that I had written a book for him. He was very surprised. When I gave it to him, I was so excited for the spark that was about to be put back into our marriage! He thanked me and opened it. Then he read it, page by pageexpressionless. When he finished, he closed it and moved on to another topic. I was crushed. I couldnt even listen to him. All of my hopes for the scrapbook being the vehicle to fix our marriage were dashed in that moment. How could something that was so well-intended create even more distance between us? Why was it so difficult to communicate with the person whom I loved so very, very much? Was I fooling myself? Perhaps there never was any strong communication between us.

When my husband left the marriage, he left the book behind. Fast-forwarding a couple of years, I was drawn to this scrapbook again. I took it from the bookshelf and opened it. As I read it, I was amazed at what I saw and felt. Despite my tears, I forced myself to finish reading it.

How could I have been so wrong when I thought I was so right? Is it even about right and wrong? Maybe this is the way that I needed to learn this lesson. I realized as I read through the pages that what I had written for my ex-husband, I had really written for mea manual of change designed for my own personal growth. But the book needed a major adjustment. You can only love another when you love yourself first needed to be I can only love another when I love myself first.

What an ah-hah! moment for me! I cried for a long time as I relived all of the emotion I felt when I had given him the book. It had been several years, but I once again felt shattered. I felt the rejection. I felt the frustration. Mostly, though, I felt alonejust as I had then even though he had been sitting with me. As the feelings once again enveloped me, I wondered why I felt so rejected. Was this something that my ex-husband had done to me or did I do it to myself?

Over the years, I have come to realize that nobody can make me feel a particular way. How I feel is absolutely my choice, regardless of what happens to me. I began to wonder where else in my life this emotion came up. I realized that there were times in the past that I had often rejected myself by being dissatisfied with who I was, what I looked like, or the decisions that I made.

When I sat there reviewing the book that I had created, I thought of my dissolved marriage. I remembered how unhappy I often was with myself. I realized that if it were possible, there were times that I would have gladly left myself. The good news was that I recognized those things and began to move forward.

The scrapbook I had created supported my healing and my journey to learning to love myself first, which I learned is the true vehicle for change in any relationship. I began by reading the entire book and then spent time pondering each of the concepts and what they meant to me. I thought about how I could have more of each of the characteristics in my own life and then did the necessary emotional work so that I could.

At the beginning of the process, I asked myself if I was able to give myself permission to love me as much as I loved people whom I had barely met. At first I wasnt sure of the answer. It certainly was a process! In fact, even today, there are still times that I have to check in with myself to make sure I am consistently granting myself the permission to love me. It was through this process that I learned to love myself so that I could better love others.

The original book did not have the quotes, affirmations, or questions; these are additions. But I kept the name Learning to Love, along with the original artwork. Looking back, I find it very interesting that I was moved to create this book for someone else and that inspiration started a journey that took me to a different and much better place in my life. Life is interesting in that we often start out in one direction and end up going in a totally different one.

As I mentioned, my marriage didnt last, but my friendship with my ex-husband has grown strong, and I have since built a very good new marriage. Learning to love myself is not a mystical fountain of bliss, but it is now the foundation for a fulfilling journey in my marriage and in all of my relationships. At the same time, this roadmap that I used for my personal voyage is now being used to help others as well.

Relationships are crucial to every facet of our lives, and all human relationships begin with the one that we have with ourselves. Yet many of us dont take time to ponder the important questions of love, honor, respect, and caring when they come to that person we live with every day of our lives! We all deserve to have a self-loving, self-supportive, and self-encouraging relationship.

Learning to love, beginning with me, has been an incredible journey. I invite you to commit to this process and to achieve the self-relationship that you deserve. It will become your foundation for being able to love another with the same resolve that you love yourself.

Crystal