Gregory L. Jantz - The Stranger in Your House

THE STRANGER IN YOUR HOUSE

Published by David C Cook

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Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. (Public Domain.) Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

LCCN 2011934292

ISBN 978-1-4347-6622-9

eISBN 978-0-7814-0790-8

2011 Gregory L. Jantz

The Team: Gudmund Lee, Susan Tjaden, Amy Kiechlin Konyndyk, Nick Lee, Caitlyn York, Karen Athen

Cover Design: Micah Kandros Design, Micah Kandros

Cover Image: iStockPhoto

First Edition 2011

To all those who parent and love teens.

Your efforts are worth more than you know.

Contents

Introduction

Youre the parent of an adolescent; when did that happen? Wasnt it just yesterday she couldnt wait to get home from school to tell you all about her day? And just before that, werent you watching his T-ball game on Saturday? And the week before, werent you parading her around in that polka-dot umbrella stroller? And the month before, wasnt he safe and snug in his crib? What happened?

Life happened and growth happened, and now youre heading into one of the most challenging seasons of parenting. I think adolescent parenting can be like slogging through ankle-deep sand: You make progress, but you never seem to get as far as you think you should for all that effort. There are times it hardly seems worth it. Those are the times this book is meant to address, because no matter how hard the adolescent years are, your teenager is worth the slogging.

The end of your parenting may be visible on the distant horizon, but youre not done yet. No matter how loudly and passionately your teen tells you to keep out, you need to stay in; you need to stay involved and stay alert. You need to watch to see if your teen is exhibiting the natural angst of this age or if theres something more serious going on. This book will help you determine where that line is and what to do if that line is crossed. Some of the examples in the book may seem extreme, and you may have a not my kid reaction. If its not your kid today, thats wonderful and a relief, but what about tomorrow or the day after? And however extreme an example may seem to you, these are real things that real kids are dealing with. If not your kid, then maybe someone he or she knows; if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

Just because youre tired of slogging through the sand, nows not the time to put your head in it. Sure, it would be easier in some ways to ignore those nagging feelings and just pretend they dont exist. But if your gut is telling you theres something wrong or just not quite right, even if you cant put your finger on it, trust that feeling enough to read this book. If you no longer recognize the teenager in your house as the same child you raised, or if you have an ongoing disconnect or worsening relationship with your teen, continue to read even if you wish this would all somehow just go away. There are reasons and answers and help if youll just keep slogging. Some of the answers may require action on your part. Some of the answers may allow you to relax and realize your teens life is just temporarily overwhelmed, not permanently undone. Knowledge is powerfor you and your teen.

How to Use This Book

At the end of each chapter, I have included activities and self-evaluation questions in a section called Bringing It Home. This is the part where you get to pour out your thoughts, your hopes, your desires, your fears. I encourage you to write down your answers (either in the book or in another notebook) after each chapter, before moving on to the next. Talk about your answers, as appropriate, with family and friends. Use them as a springboard to take the concepts and information presented in each chapter, and claim them individually for yourself and for your family. The Bringing It Home section is a way for you to become your own best source for understanding, clarity, and direction. I have found over the years that deep down most people know what they need to do; they just need to find the strength and purpose and way to do it.

After youve completed the whole book, go over each Bringing It Home section again. I cant help but feel youll be surprised at what has stayed consistent and what has changed over the course of reading the book.

In the final analysis, yes, this is a book about your teenager, but it is also very much a book about you. The more you understand about your teenager and yourself, the closer together you can become.

As you read the pages that follow, I hope you have an open and transparent heart. This time of adolescence is not just a milestone for your teenager; its also one for you. It is a time for you to learn, adapt, and grow as a parent and as a person. Maturity can happen at any age.

Its time to get to know that stranger in your house.

Who Are You, and What Have You Done with My Child?

Hes in his room for what seems like days, emerging periodically and answering questions with sullen, monosyllabic responses.

Shes moody, teary, and irritable, one minute demanding you drop everything to tend to her needs and the next minute demanding you just leave her alone!

Hes not going out for tennis this year, even though he did well last year. When you ask him why, he cant really give you an answer, other than hes not interested anymore. As you think about it, there are a lot of things he just doesnt seem that interested in anymore. He seems to fill up his time somehow, but youre not sure with what. When he was younger, his life was an open book; now, hes closed the cover and locked you out.

Shes constantly negativeabout everything. Nothing ever goes right; she never looks right; you never act right. She used to be a fairly happy kid, but now shes just difficult to be around, which kind of works out because you hardly ever see her anyway.

He complains about headaches and not feeling well. Its hard to get him up in the morning to go to school. If he could sleep until noon every day, you think he would, and suspect he does when you need to leave early for work.

Shes rarely at the dinner table anymore. Instead, she says shes already eaten, grabs a bag of chips and a soda, and goes to her room. When you ask her about it, she says shes too busy to spend time with the family and prefers to work in her room, but youre not exactly sure what shes doing in there.