Cannon - The gift of anger : seven steps to uncover the meaning of anger and gain awareness, true strength, and peace

Chapter 1

Every living being needs some form of protection in order to survive. People are no different from animals in this respect. When the world seems hostile, anger is one of the defenses we humans use to protect ourselves. Like the spikes on a cactus or the thorns on a rose, anger is designed to keep us safe.

Anger is a built-in, natural emotion that everyone feels. Each of us, from youngest to oldest, is born with the ability to get mad, and its not a shy emotion that waits to be asked to emerge. Like it or not, your anger comes up automatically when you need help to deal with a perceived threat or in seemingly tough situations that you dont feel powerful enough to handle calmly and easily.

Anger pumps you up. It offers protection by increasing your power, giving you (at least temporarily) the extra strength you need to feel bigger, stronger, and more formidable. With the added strength of anger, you can gain safety by distancing yourself from the people around you, your anger acting as an imposing armor between you and the rest of the world.

You can feel this armor in a variety of strengths, depending on the level of your anger. You might think of anger as an umbrella term, because it covers a lot of seemingly different emotions. Annoyance, irritation, bitterness, exasperation, frustration, resentment, aggravation, indignation, fury, and rage are just some of the labels given to various intensities of anger, each one offering a different level of protection.

Anger also offers you protection by removing some of your inhibitions against using verbal or physical force so that you can take a firm stand when you feel its necessary. With its added strength and lessening of inhibitions against using that strength, anger can enable and even compel you to speak a difficult truth youve been unable to expressto say no and mean it, even when you have previously been too scared to do so. While it can be misused, anger can give you courage, determination, and the willingness to set limits and take action. Consider the following examples.

Carolyn

Carolyn was tired but happyso happy! She had been caring for her mom for months and now, finally, she was getting a vacation. Although she had a brother, Carolyn was the one who lived closest to their mother, and Carolyn was single. Unlike her brother, she could make no excuses about the long trip and its high cost, nor, since she was single, could she plead other family needs pulling her away. But finally her brother, Jerry, was taking time off from work and from his growing family to come and stay with their mother while Carolyn spent a week with a friend. A week she thought to herself, a whole week. I can hardly wait!

She was in the middle of imagining her long-awaited vacation when the phone rang. It was Jerry. Something about an unexpected project at work. He was in the middle of explaining when Carolyn broke in with her own words. No! she yelled into the phone. You promised, and now you do it. Do you hear me? You just do it! Carolyns words were out before she could even think about them, before she even realized they were there. Shaking with unexpected fury, she took a deep breath and silently told herself to calm down.

Carolyns unexpected anger gave her the power to command her brother to make the trip to take care of their mother, no matter what obstacles were in his way. It made her act strong and tough, considerably tougher than she normally felt. In the end, her anger was not enough to get her brother to keep his promise, but it did show them both that Carolyn needed help with their mother. As a result, after a number of discussions that ranged from heated and tearful to heartfelt, new caretaking arrangements were made that gave Carolyn set vacations that she could count on.

Steve

Steve sat in my office feeling remorseful. I dont know what came over me, he said. The driver stopped short and I almost hit him, and then he made a quick turn and took off. The next thing I knew I was enraged. I chased the guy to the stoplight and got out of my car to face him. I only came to my senses when I saw that the driver was a woman. I have no idea what I would have done if shed been a man. Im just glad were both okay.

Talking further about what happened and about his life in general, Steve admitted that times were pretty tough. A building contractor newly out on his own, hed been hit hard by an economic downturn. Im taking jobs helping other contractors, he said dejectedly, but finding work is pretty tough. Im worried about my business and about my bills. Im worried about my future.

Scared about what might happen and about what he shouldor coulddo about it, Steve felt he was losing control over his life. He described it as feeling at the mercy of whatever might come next. What came next was a woman driver who stopped quickly and then made a fast turn in her car. That was enough to galvanize and focus (or, in this case, mis-focus) his anger at his lifes uncertainty.

Different Kinds of Protection

Through the power boost of anger, you can protect your self-image by fantasizing about reacting powerfully or take immediate action that you might not have thought you had the strength to take. Thus, Carolyns anger gave her the power to stand up to her brother, something she had previously felt too weak to do. More than just provide the power, her anger demanded that she stand up to him and even took over and did the job for her. Then, her anger propelled her to discuss her need for caretaking help with her brother, a discussion shed been nervous about having. Steves anger gave him a momentary (though dangerously inappropriate) outlet for his fear and frustration at not knowing what his future would look like or what he could do about it. In my own case, as you will read below, my anger kept me safe.

Marcia

Years ago, I was working alone in an office when a man who was a stranger to me came in. He was tall and large and began speaking loudly and incoherently when he saw me. As he walked quickly toward me, I became afraid. He advanced, and I backed up until I realized that if I backed up any farther I would be trapped in a back office with this frightening stranger.

At that point, my fear turned to anger and the protective power boost from my emotion changed the situation completely. Speaking in a forceful, authoritative voice, I told the man it was time for him to leave. As I spoke, I walked purposefully toward him. You have to leave now! I said loudly and firmly, continuing to walk toward him. The balance of power shifted in that instant. As I advanced, he backed up. A few seconds later he was out the door, which I immediately locked.

My anger had been automatic. Had I thought about what I was doing, I dont think I would have had the courage to act. Actually, I dont even think I would have trusted that that behavior would work. When the power boost of anger takes charge, we often find ourselves acting without thinking. While in Steves case, his anger resulted in dangerous behavior, in my case it may have saved me from harm.

Exploring Your Own Power Boost

Like the people in these examples, and like everyone else as well, youve undoubtedly gotten angry with others and had others become angry with you. If you are like many people, however, you may have done little objective exploration of your own anger, your own protective power boost. With the exercise that follows, you can begin this process, a journey of self-exploration that will continue throughout this book. The following exercise, and the exercises that come later, will enable you to explore your anger in depth and from different angles so you can understand it more thoroughly and use it safely and successfully to further your own well-being and growth.