Lindsay King-Miller - Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls

I n January of 2011, I began writing the advice column Ask A Queer Chick for the Hairpin, a womens website that had recently launched and had already become something like an intimate party for all the smartest ladies you knowthe kind where you drink mojitos with mint someone grew in her garden and get a little too tipsy and end up in a friendly but intense argument over fine points of feminist theory. Back in the day, the Hairpin featured a smorgasbord of advice columns to suit almost any conundrum that might present itself, but none specifically targeted the trials and tribulations of LGBTQ women and the folks who love them. I had never written an advice column before, but as soon as I pitched the idea to then-editor Edith Zimmerman, she was eager to get it going. The columns name and the mascot, a fluffy baby chick with a pink bow on its head, were her idea.

Initially, I had some concerns that it would be difficult to collect enough questions to keep Ask A Queer Chick going on a regular basis, and I even considered writing a few fake letters myself based on Past Lindsays relationship troubles. But as soon as the first column was published, emails came rolling in. It turned out there were quite a few queer chicks reading, and they had questionsboy, did they. The last few years have been a time of exhilarating highs and disheartening lows for the LGBTQ community. With the legal and social climate surrounding queer issues changing so quickly, it was hard for young people to figure out which way was up, much less navigate the obstacle course of coming out and finding love. Dating, sex, being a person in the worldthese are things most of us learn by example, from big sisters and older friends and classmates in school. We need the guidance and wisdom of someone whos already lived through it, but for queer people, those role models are often difficult to find, if not totally nonexistent.

Thats what this book is here for. No, it wont tell you foolproof ways to meet hot, available women (although I can tell you that my friend Mickey introduced me to the person I ended up marrying, so maybe hit her up). Instead, it will talk you through some of the major roadblocks you might face on your journey through the joy and heartache of queerness, and offer time-tested tips on confidence, communication, self-advocacy, and generally being the best possible version of yourself, so that when you find the person who makes your heart (and genitals) sing, you can sweep her off her feet. Whether youre struggling with discovering who you are, coming out, hookups, breakups, or anything in between, Ask a Queer Chick is here to help you get through it with style, wit, and self-love.

Ive been answering your questions for four years, from Did I wait too long to come out? to How should I introduce my girlfriend to my homophobic parents? to Is it okay to wear nail polish if Im gonna, you know... ? Ive struggled with all these issues in my own life, and I know the feeling of wishing your heart came with an owners manual. Youve been told over and over that it gets better, but that doesnt necessarily mean it gets any easier. So you like girls, but does that make you bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer, pansexual, or just curious? What about all those secret code words and gestures that every girl but you seems to know already? And now that marriage might be on the table, all your (cool) relatives are probably lining up to ask when youre going to walk down the aisle, even if you have no idea whether you ever want to get married. Whats a lady-lover to do?

In Ask a Queer Chick, youll learn the answers to all these questions and more, from social etiquette (dating your friends exes, youll be glad to learn, is much more acceptable among queer folk than in the straight community) to sex toy etiquette (rechargeables make you look environmentally conscious and therefore more attractive). Well talk about how to get dates (an obviously gay haircut isnt required, but lets be honest, it helps) and the basics of relationship maintenance (stand between her and your craziest relative when you bring her home for Christmas).

Ask a Queer Chick will also guide you through some of the less sexy aspects of being queer, like what to do when coming out might mean losing your job, and handling your relationships with bigoted family members. Well talk about the legal protections at your disposal, what to do when they dont work, and how you can give back to the community. Well chat about biphobia in both the straight and gay communities, and how to fight it. Well also discuss the particular challenges queer trans women face, and how cis women can help.

Is This Book for Me?

Throughout Ask a Queer Chick, Ill be addressing most of the commonand more than a few of the uncommonquestions Ive received in my years dispensing advice. Ive abandoned the Q-and-A format for a more general approach, and all of what youll read here is new writing, though Ive touched on many of these topics before. But before we really get into it, there is one topic I want to address right up front. By far the most common question I encounter is some version of the following: Im starting to suspect that my sexual orientation and/or gender are not entirely standard, but Im not sure. Arent LGBTQ people supposed to know who they are, from diapers on? How do I know whether Im gay or bi or queer or maybe genderqueer, or if this is just a phase? Who the hell am I?