Alex Langley - The Geek Handbook 2.0: More Practical Skills and Advice for the Likeable Modern Geek

To Katrina,

my favorite person in this

(and every) universe.

At the end of Evolution 2013, the worlds biggest fighting game tournament, fighting game legend Seth Killian openly wept at the sheer size and fervor of the crowd of video game enthusiasts before him. While this might sound silly to some, theres not a geek alive who doesnt understand feeling as zealous about something as Seth Killian does about fighting games, whether its cheering for our favorite protagonists when they finally get the upper hand on the villain, or crying out in fury when its announced that Michael Bay plans to bastardize another one of our favorite franchises. Our geeky loves are often our raison detres, and just as often we create our lives around them.

At heart, geekery is about passion and creativity. Some geeks create by crafting fantastical tales, others through academic pursuits like science, math, or weasel farming, and others still wrap themselves up in creativity like a warm blanket and bask in the awesomeness of their favorite stories and characters. That need to make things, to build, is what helped propel us out of the feces-flinging Stone Age and into the future where we have machines that can launch our poop for us. However, in our zeal, one area geeks often forget to build is ourselves, which is why Ive crafted together this handbook out of ink and raw funk. Its great to pursue your passion, absolutely, but when the source of your passion comes along, you need to make sure youre in the right physical/mental/ethereal shape to make use of it, and to do that you need to do a bit of active self-improvement and maintenance lest you end up a physical/mental/ethereal Jabba the Hutt. So, to help others along in their goal of being all the geek they can be, Ive come back swinging with a new Geek Handbook to cover things like:

Conquering School and Ruling It on a Throne of Iron and Blood. Whether youre in high school, college, or at Hogwarts, getting through your classes unscathed is tough without a little advice on what the hell to do.

Motivation: Lighting a Fire Under Your Ass, Which Will Heat Up Your Heart, Smoke Up Your Brain, and Muddle this Metaphor. Whether its a novel you want to write, a language you want to learn, or a telekinetic ability you wish you had, we geeks all have something we need help getting ourselves motivated to do, and Im here to help you get started ... so long as youre at least motivated enough to read the chapter on motivation.

Ways to Make Sure Your Body is Ready. Though were not always known for it, we geeks can benefit from physical activities like exercise (boring, but necessary, and easier to stick with if you LifeHack the crap out of it) and LARPing (which can be surprisingly active if you dont LARP as, like, furniture or something).

What to Do if Youre Suddenly Sent Through Time. Hey, you never know when you might go on a time-traveling adventure. If Marty McFly had been a little more prepared, he might have helped his parents become rich and happy with way less trouble and almost-accidental incest on his end.

So grab a fistful of energon cubes, set down the controller, and try not to let any of your idiot friends read ominous Latin phrases for the next few hours, because, much like you will be after finishing this book, The Geek Handbook is back and stronger than ever. If youre willing to put in the hours to find your Zen, get the skills, and save the princess, this handbook is here to be the Obi-Wan to your Luke Skywalker, helping you build Yourself into Yourself 2.0.

Congratulations to the class of 1999you all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet.

- Principal Snyder, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

High schoolthe Dread Citadel. The Dreamkiller. The Tower of Endless Torment. High school (and school in general) can kind of suck, but its a doable, thoroughly survivable type of suckiness. Whether youre a new kid starting high school in a new city, or youve been stuck in the same stupid small town your whole life and grew up with all forty-two of your other classmates, high schools going to be a different experience. Junior high probably prepared you a bit, but the age gaps not so noticeable when everyones twelve or thirteen. Here youre going to school with a bunch of giants whore considered legal adults, many of whom are already smoking, voting, driving, and having sex, often all at the same time. Whats a young geek to do? Well, here are some tips for you nascent freshmen geeks to help you get through the earliest wings of the Dread Citadel intact:

Make a good first impression. Put some extra care into your appearance, especially early on. Dress nicer, fix your hair, try to smell goodall that good jazz. Itll be easier to make friends if people dont think youre a scuzzy weirdo. While you can feel free to downgrade your attire a bit as the year progresses and you get to know people better, smelling good is not just a beginning of the school year thingkeep that up all year long. In fact, you should keep that up as long as air is passing through your lungs.

Kiss the asses of the upperclassmen. If youre lucky enough to have a cool older sibling in high school, you, my friend, have got it made. If you dont, you may want to buddy up with someone older so you can ask them questions about the ins and outs of your campus. Stuff like:

Where are the good bathrooms?

Which teachers should I avoid?

Whats the deal with those hooded people who meet in the basement every day at noon and start chanting in the Black Speech?

Join some kind of extracurricular activity. Be forewarned: extracurriculars can seem daunting, but joining band/soccer/robotics club/fight club will give you something to do, sharpen your skills, and provide you with you ample time to make friends with the other students in your club.

Be friendly (without being creepy). Human beings generally operate according to a principal of reciprocal liking; namely, we like people who seem to like us. The more people youre friendly to, the nicer youll make things for them, and the easier your life will be. Its a flippin win-win.

Be wary of dating (at first). Odds are youre going to be hungry for some hot-and-heavy (or lukewarm and medium-firmness) dating action, but know this: 99 percent of all high school relationships end in a break-up, and most of those result in Drama with a capital D, so keep your wits about you when engaging in the war of love. Dating someone from your group of friends, for example, can lead to some serious in-fighting later on and can even dissolve said group if your crew hasnt been together long enough to solidify. Find some people you can stand to talk to before hunting around for someone whose mouth you would like to stick your tongue in.

Get to know at least one person in every class. If you have a class, or two, or seven, where you dont know anyone, find someone during each period and get to know them a bit. Im not saying you need to find an ultimate BFF for every hour of the day, but having someone around you at least kind of know can help take the stress out of those awful group projects, or give you someone to make polite chatter with on the days where your teacher cant be bothered to do any teaching.