Nicole Byer - #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: The Fat Girls Guide to Being #Brave and Not a Dejected, Melancholy, Down-in-the-Dumps Weeping Fat Girl in a Bikini

to synthetic wigs, Beyonc, Kim Newmoney (who I truly adore and couldnt have done this without), and everyone who let me take a picture at their place of work. Everyone from the nice man at the front desk of the Palm Springs Hotel to the ride operators at the Santa Monica Pier. Without these kind people, I wouldnt have been able to take pictures in almost 100 different bathing suits, most of which I already owned. Oh! I gotta thank Alison Rich, who once said I should turn my Instagram bikini pictures into a book: thank you, Alison! I should also thank Sasheer, John, Matteo, and anyone else Ive asked to take a picture of me in a bikini.

S o okay, LETS GET THE FUCK TO IT! I assume you picked up this book because you know who I am. If you dont know, thats okay; buy the book, then google me, in that order. Maybe you picked it up because you are a fat woman looking to find your #bravery, or you are a curious little creature wondering how a fat woman could ever be #brave in a bikini and not want to kill herself. Or youre a person who hates fatties and youre buying this book as a joke. Good, Ill take your money. I dont need to be liked to get paid.

Whatever the reason you picked it up, thank you. Thank you for reading this little intro. Now Im going to ask you a favor for reading this far... please, please, please for the love of God follow through and buy it. Please dont share this book; make your friends buy their own copies. If you buy the book I will give you all my tricks and tips on how to be the #bravest bitch in your city, town, county, or municipality. Lets get real: even if youre sitting on the floor of a Barnes & Noble and reading it for free (thats what I used to do to kill time when I lived in New York and was too poor to take the subway home then go out again), I will still give you the tips and tricks, because you gamed the system, and I applaud you.

Real quick, I just wanna tell you why I wrote this book. I wanted to write a book about fat ladiesbecause I am one. Not curvy, not plus-size, not big-boned, not fluffy, not phat. Im FAT. I am a fat lady who loves wearing bikinis. Which is #verybrave in our culture today. I realized this was #brave when I saw other fat women posting pictures in bikinis on Instagram, and people in the comments section went wild and were using that word: brave. I never thought wearing an article of clothing that everyone wears to swim or sunbathe in was brave, but as my dad always said, If someone says something more than once in Instagram comments, it must be true. He died in 2008 so its wild that he was truly so ahead of his time.

Now, Ive come to embrace being #veryfat #verybrave and I want to help other women/people be #brave too. It took me a long time to be #brave, and I dont want others to have to wait. I want a little fat girl to see this book and feel better about herself. Before anyone says it: no, I am NOT glorifying an unhealthy lifestyle. Im purely asking people to just be okay with how they currently look. Im asking for people to leave others alone in regard to how they look, because its not your fucking business. Also, Im not promoting unhealthiness. If youre sick, please go to the doctor.

Now, that being said, truly anyone can wear a bikini. Alright, let the #bravery begin!

Tips for Finding That Special Bikini That Will Make You #VeryFat and #VeryBrave

1. Go to a store, via public transportation, private transportation, or feet.
2. Find the bathing suit section (ask an employee where they keep the fat sizesit may be in a dusty corner your fat eye cant spy).
3. Find a bikini.
4. Try it on (make sure you go to the fitting room, because if you dont, people may start screaming about indecent exposure or areolas or whatever).
5. Count your money or check your bank account. If you have no money, get a job, borrow from a friend, or rob a bank (but be peaceful about it), and return to step one. If you have money, go to the next step.
6. Go to the register and buy the bikini with cash or a card or, if youre feeling wild, a check.
7. Go home via public, private, or feet transportation.
8. Put on the bikini.
9. Live.

Tips for Finding That Special Bikini That Makes You #VeryFat and #VeryBrave for Millennials and/or Gen Zers

1. Go online and google plus-size bikinis. (Dont yell, WHERE ARE THE FAT-SIZE BIKINIS, GOOGLE? because Google probably cannot hear you. If you need to yell and/or be listened to, use Siri or Alexa or something. Steps 25 will be done out loud if you use an internet assistant.)
2. Click on one of the results.
3. Find a bikini in your size.
4. Check your bank account. If you have no money, you can do an online scam or get a job of your choice, then go back to step one. If you have money, go to step five.
5. Order the bikini and make sure you click on the slowest free shipping option. Waiting a long time builds up the excitement.

1. Answer the door when the delivery person comes. If they just leave the package, then go to step eight.
2. Have a quick convo when you open the door, because they may be turned on by the story of your #bravery and want to fuck you. Do it. Or they could be a new friend.
3. Unbox and put the bikini on. If it fits, keep it. If not, return it to the store, then go back to the first step.
4. Live.

FYI, you may go through a full range of emotions during this process, and thats okay! You actually may hate what you see at first, because youre not used to it. You may think your tummy pokes out too much, but guess what? It fucking does when youre fully dressed. You may hate your arm jiggles, but they jiggle in sleeves. Your thighs are too large and in charge? Those are your thighs, why wouldnt you love them no matter how big they are or seem to you? Like anything in life, something new takes a hot-ass minute to get used to, so if you need to be #brave alone at home for a bit, thats okay. You can take your time.

General Tips for How to React to People in the World Who Respond Negatively, a.k.a. Frown Upon Your Bikini #Bravery

1. Smile and wave. Then blow them a kiss.
2. Say You like what you see, daddy? Im not telling you to assume someones gender, Im just saying that this is a fun phrase, and if need be you can replace daddy with mommy.
3. If they actually say something rude to you, you can respond, Wow, Im so sorry you dont have enough going on in your life that lil fat ol me wearing this upset you so much.