Auburn - How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

Copyright 2016 by Zachary Auburn

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

The following chapters, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety, How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution, and How to Talk to Your Cat About Abstinence, were first published in print zine form.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Auburn, Zachary.

Title: The American Association of Patriots presents

How to talk to your cat about gun safety / Zachary Auburn.

Other titles: How to talk to your cat about gun safety

Description: First edition. | New York : Three Rivers Press, 2016.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016004002 | ISBN 9780451494924 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Cats--Humor. | Conservatism--Humor. | Parodies. | BISAC:

HUMOR / Form / Parodies. | HUMOR / Topic / Animals. | HUMOR / Topic / Political.

Classification: LCC PN6231.C23 A93 2016 | DDC 818/.602--dc23 LC

record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016004002

ISBN9780451494924

Ebook ISBN9780451494931

Cover design by Alane Gianetti

Cover photograph: (cat) albaraa/Flickr; (gun) kcdstm/Flickr

v4.1

a

Jason at Floating World

Chloe at Reading Frenzy

Kevin at Powells Books

Jenn at Skylight Books

Rachel at Atomic Books

Joshua at Antiquated Future

and all the other patriotic booksellers who make America great

My fellow purrtriots,

You hold in your hands the only book in print today with the courage to tell it like it is. To stand up to the idolaters, the liberals, the international bankers, and the secret kings of Europe who want to destroy America and replace it with their one-world government. To bring about our downfall, these villains have targeted what is surely our greatest national resource: our cats. They know that no other cats in the world are as cute as ours. American cats have the softest bellies, the fluffiest tails, and the loudest purrs. We are the greatest country in the history of the world, and we have the cats to match. Our enemies know they have no chance of defeating us while we stand tall with our cats by our sides, and so for years these scoundrels have worked in the shadows, trying to weaken us and our cats. Stripping from our cats their Second Amendment right to bear arms! Undermining the faith of our kittens by teaching them the lie of evolution! Addicting our feline friends to the scourge of catnip! The cats of America are under siege. Whether they are hiding in their favorite cardboard box, climbing a tree, or napping in a sunbeam, our cats are under attack. And they desperately need our help.

This book is a compilation of the eight brochures that we have deemed most important to maintaining the well-being of our cats, body and soul. Our countryand our catsstands at a precipice. Will we rise to the challenge and forge our nation into a shining beacon of liberty that would make our Founding Fathers proud?

It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge contained within these pages, you and your cats can make America great again!

With constant vigilance,

ZACHARY AUBURN

PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF PATRIOTS

Do I need to talk to my cat about gun safety?

The first question many of you will be asking is, Do I really need to teach my cat about gun safety? The answer is an unequivocal Yes!!! The Constitution of the United States of America guarantees us the right to own and operate firearms, and that is a right we must exercise in order to keep our country healthy, lest our democracy atrophy. It is the duty of all American citizensas well as their catsto be able to use and maintain a firearm. Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy.