Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
The Best Years of Your Sex Life
Sex does change as we age, and that is the good news. Performance anxieties and many common sex problems occur far more frequently in the young than in those who are old enough to know better. Men and women are still vital, alive, and sexy at 40, 50, 60, and beyond; and theyre sexually confident and experienced, too. As long as we dont lose our zest for life, we dont lose our lust for lovemaking either.
Couples at 50 are on the threshold of a richer, fuller, and more mature sex life than they have enjoyed in the past. Adults-only sex not only can but
will be emotionally satisfying and thrilling physically. Although physiological changes dictate that we make certain adaptations to our lovemaking styles,
we are also the beneficiaries of some potent sexual benefits at midlife. They include:
Greater sophistication about our own and our partners sexuality
Increased capability of communicating our sexual and emotional needs without fear of looking silly or being rejected or misunderstood by the one we love
Improved sexual responsiveness in women and a corresponding improved ability to control ejaculation in men
Greater willingness to experiment with sexual variations
Lessened inhibitions and increased ability to have fun during lovemaking
Far greater technical proficiency as a lover
Many of the sexual problems couples experienced in their youth are naturally resolved at midlife. Premature ejaculation, for example, is a young mans problem; some ejaculate in as little as 30 seconds after insertion. By the age of 50, most mens ejaculatory responses have slowed down considerably, to at least the average time of 2 to 5 minutes of thrusting and sometimes much longer. Simple remedies can resolve minor problems that occur naturally at midlife, such as vaginal dryness in women.
As we age, we evolve sexually; and the sexual maturation process makes lovemaking a far more enjoyable overall experience at 50 than it was at 20. Typically, men and women cross sexual and psychological paths at midlife in a process psychoanalyst Carl Jung described as the contrasexual transition. Women become more independent and assertive, less in need of reassurance or approval from their partners. Men become more nurturing, more comfortable with intimacy, and better able to share themselves. Older men seek the warmth and closeness in sex that women may have waited decades for them to discover. Each partner becomes more like the other in patterns of sexual response.
We know more about ourselves and our intimate partners at this point in our lives than we did when we were young. At 50, we can be bold and tender lovers, unafraid of our passion and our lovers desires. We are more likely to be empathetic, able to feel and understand our partners feelings, sexual and otherwise. Couples who relegate sex to the storage closet of their life together because they are no longer young are giving up just when the real prize is within their grasp.
Why do some couples make the transition to a higher sexual level whereas others use aging as an excuse for shutting down?
Some people subscribe to a series of myths about sex over 50 that lead them to believe passion is the exclusive province of the young.
Others fail to recognize that physiological changes present opportunities for better sex, not obstacles to it.
Some fail to adapt their lovemaking styles to accommodate their changing needs and particularly their improved abilities as lovers.
Many allow boredom, stress, or dissatisfaction with other areas of lifejobs, finances, child rearing, extended families, physical signs of agingto stifle their sexuality.
In 2000 MetLife Mature Market Institute reported that baby boomersover 76 million of themrepresent more than a quarter of the U.S. population. The boomers, unlike many in the generation preceding them and with an estimated spending power of over a trillion dollars, will not go quietly into the sexual darkness. They dont and wont consider themselves finished with sex because media images of sexuality are predominantly youthful ones.
In fact, some advertisers are beginning to get the message that older isnt neutered. Vanity Fair, the lingerie company, reassessed their ad campaigns when market researchers discovered many of the women who purchased their products were 40, 50, and older, considerably older than the teen models hired to display the wares. Now there are exceptionally beautiful Vanity Fair models in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, some of whom display fine lines and graying hair.
Advertisers have increasingly devoted more energy to romancing the older consumer as more boomers cross the 50 mark. That flattering attention will, in small increments, increase the collective sexual self-esteem of those of us who are no longer young. Whether you are pushing 50 or on the far side of it, youll benefit from boomer power in the marketplace. New trends in healthcare promise to keep lovers feeling and looking as fit as possible, too. There has never been a better time for the mature lover.
Sex Over 50 helps you make the transition to a deeper, richer, more sophisticated sexual relationship by giving practical advice for overcoming negative attitudes and providing specific erotic directions for upgrading your lovemaking skills. You really are getting better as you get older. You now have much more to offer your partner.
While treasuring the special joy that was youth, you can still embrace the beauty of the present and look forward to discovering the hidden erotic treasures in your future.
CHAPTER ONE
Create a Sexy Frame of Mind
Sex begins in the brain, the most important sexual organ of all. Before you can have great sex, you have to believe you can have itwhich means changing any thinking that stands in the way.
I thought I was too old for sex, says Jane, a 50-year-old who came to this conclusion after going through menopause, surviving one daughters wedding, and seeing the other daughter leave home for college. The combination of an empty nest and menopause convinced her she was too old for sex, though her husband certainly thought otherwise. No periods, no contraception necessary, no girls coming home at all hours of the day or night, Jane says, laughing. My husband thought we were in prime time for sex. Are you crazy? he asked me. Dont you recognize liberation when it tickles you in the genitals? We can act like kids again.
She resisted his playful mood at first. When he walked around the house naked and encouraged her to shed her own clothes, she was embarrassed, not aroused. Fortunately, he was able to convince her she wasnt too old when they took a romantic second honeymoon cruise around the Greek islands. Over dinner, he lavished attention and compliments on her. Alone in their flower-filled cabin, he massaged her body with scented cream before making love to her, very slowly. After a few days of sexual pampering, she felt young againdesirable and filled with desire.
What if hed shared her mind-set or hadnt been so persuasive in changing it? I was ready to close up shop, Jane admits. Maybe I would have been ready to open it again in six months or a year, but think of the time we would have lost. Now I would say to other women: Ask yourself why forty (or fifty or sixty) should be the cut-off age? Dont you still have feelings of physical love and desire for your husband? Arent you still capable of experiencing pleasure?
