Cooper - 100 tricks to appear smart in meetings: how to get by without even trying

The book thats missing from 55 million offices and conference rooms around the world: the idiots guide to the idiots guide to conquering the corporate meeting.

In it you will learn the essential subtle tricks that pay big dividends by making you look really clever in meetings: constant nodding, pretend concentration, useless rhetorical questions, how to nail the big presentation by pacing and getting someone else to control your slides. Complete with illustrated tips, examples, and scenarios, Sarah Coopers 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings gives you actionable ways to use words like actionable, in order to sound smart.

Sarah Cooper is a blogger, vlogger and comedian whose wickedly satirical TheCooperReview.com pokes fun at corporate culture, the tech world and everything in between. After 15 years working for companies like Google and Yahoo!, she knows her subject well. Her 10 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings post has circled the globe, with over 5 million views. Sarah lives in San Francisco and enjoys 90s rock, standup comedy and both sunny and cloudy days equally.

Many, many thanks to everyone who read and shared the original article on Medium, Facebook, Twitter, and everywhere else; all of my extended social media family for their continual support, ideas, and feedback; Matt Ellsworth, Tamara Olson, and David Bishop for reading and improving each and every early draft; Christian Baxter, Sophie Gasse, and Jeffrey Palm for being my fearlessly believable meeting models; Ossie Khan, my skydiving expert; the most kick-ass agent and best lunch date in the world, Susan Raihofer (and Christina Harcar for bringing us together); the most patient editor in the world, Patty Rice; the entire team at Andrews McMeel for supporting this project and welcoming me to the family; my sister, Charmaine, for enduring endless text messages; Mom, Dad, Rachael, George, Susie, Ryan, Tyler, Irene the Fourth, Irene the Fifth, and, most of all, my husband Jeff, the person who cracks me up and keeps me going. I love you.

During meetings, where you sit, stand, lean, or crouch may mean the difference between being perceived as a future director or a future managing director. Follow this sample play-by-play to enter the room literally reeking of intelligence.

1. Enter the room; ask if anyone needs anything. (See )

2. Leave the room, get some coffee, go to the bathroom,
take your time.

3. Return bringing water and snacks, even if no one asked for any.

4. Sit near the meeting leader, so it looks like youre co-running the meeting. (See )

5. Write a few key words up on the whiteboard. (See )

6. Make eye contact with your nemesis.

7. Lean back and look up at the ceiling while clasping your hands behind your head, as if youre deeply considering something.

General meetings generally fall into one of three categories: painful, useless, or soul-crushing. But no matter which of these types of meetings you find yourself in, you can be sure that one of these 10 tricks will make you appear smart.

Getting up and drawing a Venn diagram is a great way to appear smart. It doesnt matter if your Venn diagram is wildly inaccurate; in fact, the more inaccurate, the better. Even before youve put that marker down, your colleagues will begin fighting about what the labels should be and how big the circles should be. At this point, you can slink back to your chair and go back to playing Candy Crush.

If someone says, About 25 per cent of all users click on this button, jump in with, So about one in four, and make a note of it. Everyone will nod their heads in agreement, secretly impressed and envious of your quick maths skills.

There comes a point in most meetings where everyone is chiming in, except you. This is a great point to go, Guys, guys, guys, can we take a step back here? Everyone will turn their heads toward you, amazed at your ability to silence the fray. Follow it up with a quick, What problem are we really trying to solve? and, boom! Youve bought yourself another hour of looking smart.

Always bring a notepad with you. Your rejection of technology will be revered. Take notes by simply writing down one word from every sentence that you hear. Nod continuously while doing so. If someone asks you if youre taking notes, quickly say that these are your personal notes and that someone else should really be keeping a record of the meeting.

Make a mental note of the software engineer in the room. Remember his name. Hell be quiet throughout most of the meeting, but when his moment comes, everything out of his mouth will spring from a place of unknowable brilliance. After he utters these divine words, follow up with, Let me just repeat that, and repeat exactly what he just said, but very, very slowly. Now, people will look back on the meeting and mistakenly attribute the intelligent statement to you.

Its important to find out whether things will scale no matter what it is youre discussing. No one even really knows what that means, but its a good catch-all question that generally applies and drives software engineers nuts.

Whenever someone gets up from the table and walks around, dont you immediately respect him? I know I do. It takes a lot of guts, but once you do it, you immediately appear smart. Walk around. Go to the corner and lean against the wall. Take a deep, contemplative sigh. Trust me, everyone will be shitting their pants wondering what youre thinking. If only they knew (bacon).