Moe - Man vs. child: one mans guide to the weirdness of parenting

MAN VS. LIFE
YOUR FUN, WORTHLESS LIFE WITHOUT A CHILD

MAN VS. PREGNANCY
THE WEIRDNESS GROWS

MAN VS. NEWBORN
KEEPING THIS WEIRD THING ALIVE A WHILE

MAN VS. BABY
WHAT AN INTERESTING BABY!

MAN VS. TODDLER
WHY WONT YOUR KID JUST BE COOL?

MAN VS. LITTLE KID
WHO AM I KIDDING? LITTLE KIDS ARE EASY!

MAN VS. BIG KID
BIG KID, TINY PERSON

You are looking for a book about being a dad. A book that helps you with sleep training, feedings, and teaching your child the values that your parents instilled in you.

That book was sold out, though. So now you are holding this one: Man vs. Child.

Well its your lucky day, because that other book was boring. That other book seemed so helpful, but it was going to take twenty pages to tell you how to not get poo on yourself. That other book seemed so informative, but it was going to go on and on about brain development but not how to deal with a screaming toddler having a meltdown in the American Museum of Natural History.

That other book was going to make you want to gouge your eyes out and cry, Why?! Why torture me with this terrible book when all I wanted was to be a good parent?! I hate that book and what it has done to you. Youre a wreck. Get a hold of yourself!

This book is different. Man vs. Child is about the absurdity of being a dad today: from your blissful pre-baby days through when your kid is off at school, probably talking shit about you. Its a companion to help you through the hard times, like when you need something to read on the toilet and your phone is dead.

Its a guidebook for smart, funny dads like you who are still worried about messing up their kids.

Because thats where we are these days, right? Were supposed to be New Dadsmore involved and emotionally availablebut no one told us how. Old Dads could pull a Don Draper: send money to the wife and kids and generally half-ass it from afar. But New Dads play dress-up, bake, and diaper, all while trying to keep it together. If youre a new dad, you need a book that will give you a little practical advice, but mostly lets you know that your kid isnt winning and that youve still got it, champ.

I wont condescend to you or make this book look like some kind of computer user manual to trick you into learning about being a dad. On the other hand, I may not provide a ton of medical advice. Oh, you wanted medical advice? All right, go ahead and buy that other book, just in case. No, its fine. I get it. Ill wait here.

For now, know this: You have done the right thing by buying this book. Or you have done the wrong thing by stealing this book. If you borrowed this book, that seems fair. If you borrowed it from the library, but have never returned it, shame on you.

Im Doug Moe. Im a comedian based at the legendary Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, where I am a long-time teacher and performer. I live in Brooklyn, the epicenter of artisanal mayonnaise and the Mustache Renaissance.

In 2006, I became a dad. (You know how that happens, right? Because I dont want to explain it.) And because being an actor/comedian/writer is a verified sketchy way to make a living, I was also a part-time stay-at-home dad. Ya know, a PTSAHD. I also started writing funny stuff for the Internet, including my own blog, predictably named Man Versus Child, which led to this book.

And because I was basically a perfect dad, my daughter is perfect and everything is perfect.

Now you can enjoy the fruits of my perfection.

Okay, maybe Im exaggerating. Maybe I actually didnt know what the hell I was doing. Maybe I was lucky enough to fumble through it with a lot of help from my wonderful wife. And maybe I managed to do a lot of things wrong but have done enough things right that my daughter is ten years old now and only yells at me for ruining her life every OTHER day.

And Im sure that theres a lot that I still dont know. Living in Brooklyn, Im missing out on whole sections of the child-rearing experience, such as dealing with drive-throughs, for example. And I have a daughter, so I havent dealt with a lot of smashing the two toys together until they break like my friends with sons have. Of course, when I was a kid, I destroyed a bunch of my Hot Wheels cars with a hammer, so I know a couple things. And Im lucky enough to have a great wife who did more than half of the parenting and kept our family sane. So Ive never been a single parent, which must be insane.

But a lot of parenting is the same, whether you are in Akron, Ohio, or on Avenue A. If its helpful, substitute artisanal mayonnaise for BBQ sauce where necessary. Im just one dad, but I can help you. A little.

What Im saying is: Ive been there, pal. Now, lets talk about your fun, worthless life without a child.

Guys about to have babies

Ladies about to have babies

Wise-guy friends of a guy who thought he got someone pregnant

Brothers-in-law especially worried about fathers-to-be

Mothers-to-be especially worried that their fathers-in-law forgot to get a gift for their husbands/fathers-to-be

Mothers-in-law, fathers-to-be, sisters-in-law, brothers-to-be... basically the whole in-law/to-be category

People looking for a bargain, assuming this has ended up on a bargain table somewhere

People looking for a book, any book, to look book smart

Billionaires with money to burn

Book burners without books to burn

Someone looking to learn the English language who also wants to laughand maybe cry a littleand definitely learn something

You, a person who likes lists, in case none of the above applies

Thats the big question that hits you when youre boozing your way through a wonderful brunch with close friends.

Whats it all for?

Thats the other question. The one that hits you as you scarf down a bite of delicious eggs Florentine. This big question has been pondered ever since man stopped doodling on cave walls and started thinking about work/life balance.