Queen - Exhibitionism for the Shy

EXHIBITIONISM FOR THE SHY

by Carol Queen, Ph.D.

Down There Press

2009 by Down There Press.

Entire rights reserved. except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television or Internet reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

Back cover photo by Laurel Sharp.

Cover design by Johnny Ink.

Distributed by SCB Distributors, Gardena, California.

Contents

Dedication

This book is dedicated

- to Natalie, who first said, Just let me watch you;

- to Robert, who said, Talk dirty to me (then gave me plenty to talk about);

- and to every pair of voyeuristic eyes that focused on me in the peep show...

Without all of whom Im sure Id still be shy.

Preface to the Second Edition

What a difference a decade and a half make when it comes to opportunities for exhibitionism! Do you know, boys and girls, that in the old days, people often had to actually go outside to find someone to admire them as they showed off? Now, of course, friendly strangers are a mouse-click away, teens are getting busted for sexting (who knew that kiddie porn laws applied to actual kids having supposedly-private communication? Who can pin down, today, what privacy actually is?), and ever more people seem to be, like me, formerly shy. But body image issues do not seem to have gone away, even with the advent of wonderful role models like Big Burlesque and its zaftig dancing girls. Where body tyranny rules, plenty of people still have reason to be shy... or think they do. My original Exhibitionism for the Shy interviewees are joined this time around by new experts in showoffery, and I cannot thank them enough for taking the time to share their thoughts and experiences. Especially big thanks to Margaret Cho shes exhibitionisms biggest 21st century success story to date, if you ask me and to the ever-inspiring Nina Hartley for contributing her thoughts to the new introduction.

This time around, instead of having a resource chapter whose contents will before long be out of date, Im introducing a website www.exhibitionismfortheshy.com ? where I can let you know about show-offy resources like places to do it and things to wear ? and you can let me (and other readers) know about resources you discover! Please, though, check to make sure the listed places remain in business before you make a trip to shop or stay.

Finally, more thanks are due: To Mary Branscombe and Simon Bisson, without whose astonishing post-millennial computer skills the previous edition would still be stuck on a little piece of plastic, unable to speak to my fancy Macintosh gizmo that I now use; to Nellie Wilson, who made sure the old manuscript was edited enough to be made new; to Kat Sunlove and Layne Winklebleck, who offered their house in the country as a crucial writing refuge; and always to Robert, who has given me so many opportunities to be a show-off in our twenty years together, and who puts up with how bat-shit I get when Im working on a deadline.

Grazie too to Patrick Hughes, without whom the new edition would never have happened; his support and business inspiration were crucial to getting the book back into print. Speaking of which: without my wonderful new publishers Aaron Silverman and Molly Maguire, there would be no second edition either. And it would be less readable without the redoubtable layout skills of Janet Hardy and less beautiful without the fantastic new cover design by Johnny Ink.

Laurel Sharp took the back cover photo at the same time as the pic that appeared on the front of the first edition of Exhibitionism for the Shy; I always sort of regretted not appearing naked on that book, and Im so pleased to be able to right that counter-intuitive situation this time! True, I dont look exactly like this any more but exhibitionism still gives me a one-of-a-kind thrill. I hope it does you, too if not now, then very soon.

Finally, my deepest gratitude to all the readers of the first edition not only for supporting the book, for which Id owe thanks enough, but for telling me that it made a difference in your lives, your erotic comfort, and your willingness to take sexy (but one-step-at-a-time) risks. Thank you for trusting these ideas about erotic comfort... and your own desire to be a more erotically comfortable person. I hope you dont mind if I imagine you (nearly naked, maybe?) cheering the books new readers on.

Foreword

by Nina Hartley

Im thrilled beyond words that Carol Queens amazing book, Exhibitionism for the Shy, is finally being reissued. As a long-time fan of her and her work, I simply loved the book the first time around, recognizing it instantly as an important contribution to the ever-growing pile of sexual self-help books. Why? Because it covers the basics and spells out how to build a strong foundation from which to explore and experience sexuality and erotic pleasure in a positive light.

Its hard to fathom this about me by looking at my career, but I, too, am a recovering shy person. Id have given anything for this book to have been around when I was in high school, when I was struggling with all sorts of desires and fears about sex, sexuality and sex with partners. I figured it out on my own, eventually, but Id have appreciated some help, as it would have cut down on some humiliating experiments! Im thankful that its available now for people of all ages. With Carols singular voice leading us through the wilderness of shyness into the magical clearing marked confidence, anybody whos motivated can find his or her own sturdy center, from which a satisfying sex life can be built.

In order to be good in bed, a person must first be at home in his or her skin. To really let loose with fantasy and to accept anothers fantasies (to say nothing about being able to communicate these fantasies and desires with a partner), becoming comfortable with ones physical self is essential. Until we experience our bodies and ourselves as beautiful, strong, unique, sexy and powerful, well be forever fearful of others, easy prey for unscrupulous partners. This book helps with all of that, and more. Carols tone is warm, kind, knowing, supportive, encouraging and spot-on. You can tell that this is a path shes made for herself and wants to share it with others so that they, too, can get more out of life, love and relationships. Oh, yes, and from sex, too! Thats the beauty of this book: by overcoming ones shyness from the inside out, whole new worlds open up: social, professional, personal and sexual. Its truly amazing and transformative.

Even if you never, ever, perform for an audience comprised of more than just yourself, you can benefit from this book and the wisdom it contains. By doing the work she suggests, each reader can, and will, learn more about him- or herself and knowledge is always good. If you develop to the point of having an audience of one, youll be amazed at how splendidly your newfound confidence triggers a greater positive response from your partner, creating a wonderful, lusty feedback loop that will only intensify your fun. If youve ever had the desire to have an audience of more than one, then every insight you learn here will prove vitally useful to your endeavor.

In short, this book has something for everyone. If youre an old hand at taking off your clothes in front of people, youll learn some new tricks of the trade. If the very idea terrifies you, this book will calm your fears and help you along. If youve wondered why anyone would ever want to show off in front of others, this book will reveal just why that can be so much fun.