Paul Bae - You Suck, Sir

YOU
SUCK,
SIR YOU
SUCK,
SIR CHRONICLES OF A HIGH
SCHOOL ENGLISH
TEACHER AND THE
SMARTASS STUDENTS
WHO SCHOOLED HIM PAUL BAE YOU SUCK, SIR Copyright 2020 by Paul Bae Foreword copyright 2020 by Charles Demers This book is a revised and expanded edition of a book that was self-published by the author in 2014. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any part by any meansgraphic, electronic, or mechanicalwithout the prior written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may use brief excerpts in a review, or in the case of photocopying in Canada, a licence from Access Copyright. ROBINS EGG BOOKS is an imprint of ARSENAL PULP PRESS Suite 202 211 East Georgia St. Vancouver, BC V6A 1Z6 Canada arsenalpulp.com The publisher gratefully acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the British Columbia Arts Council for its publishing program, and the Government of Canada, and the Government of British Columbia (through the Book Publishing Tax Credit Program), for its publishing activities. Arsenal Pulp Press acknowledges the xmkym (Musqueam), Swxw7mesh (Squamish), and slilwta (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations, custodians of the traditional, ancestral, and unceded territories where our office is located.

We pay respect to their histories, traditions, and continuous living cultures and commit to accountability, respectful relations, and friendship. Front cover design by Oliver McPartlin Back cover and text design by Jazmin Welch Edited by Charles Demers Copy edited by Shirarose Wilensky Proofread by Alison Strobel Printed and bound in Canada Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication: Title: You suck, sir : chronicles of a high school English teacher and the smartass students who schooled him / Paul Bae. Names: Bae, Paul, author. Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190231106 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190231165 | ISBN 9781551528076 (softcover) | ISBN 9781551528083 (HTML) Subjects: LCSH: Bae, Paul. | LCSH: High school teachersBritish ColumbiaVancouverAnecdotes. | LCSH: Teacher-student relationshipsBritish ColumbiaVancouverAnecdotes. | LCSH: High school teachingBritish ColumbiaVancouverAnecdotes. | LCSH: High school teachingBritish ColumbiaVancouverAnecdotes.

Classification: LCC LA2325.B34 A3 2020 | DDC 371.10092dc23 This book is dedicated to the three public school
teachers who changed my life: Glen Lapthorne,
who first brought me out of my shell; Marlena Morgan,
who helped me find my voice; and Anand Atal,
who prepared me for the wider world. And to the most inspiring people Ive ever known:
my students. CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS This book grew out of my eponymously named blog, which ran from 2012 to 2015, and contains some of the original posts. (More on that in the afterword.) Thank you to my friend and editor Charles Demers for not only choosing You Suck, Sir for his Arsenal Pulp Press imprint Robins Egg Books but also helping me give it shape. And thank you to my wife, Lani, for her ceaseless patience and support when I had nowhere else to find what I needed to give to these young people. FOREWORD I am an older brother, the product of a marriage between an oldest brother and an oldest sister (Jesus, of course from separate familieshow could you even ask a thing like that?!).

I am an oldest cousin to a brood of Anglo-Scotch Western Canadians, as well as to a broude of Qubcois cousins et cousines. In other words, I have never experienced the intimate pedagogical cruelty and guidance offered by the best of older brothersthe loving combination of one hand extended to help hold you steady on the journey into maturity, while the other is slipping behind your back to tack on a Kick Me sign. At least, I never had that until I met Paul Bae. (I have argued on several occasions that having a Korean older brother should theoretically serve to mitigate my white privilege but have been empathically told: No dice.) In 2005, five years into his comedy career and one into mine, Paul introduced himself to me and invited me to form, with him, a sketch comedy duo. Drawing on a piece of appropriated Buddhist wisdom (or at least reappropriated in the aftermath of the evangelization of the southern tip of the Korean Peninsulaand usually missionaries are so judgmental about southern tips!) to the effect that only that which is empty can be filled, Paul dubbed us Bucket, and we quickly marketed ourselves as Vancouvers first and only biracial, bi-sizal comedy duo. Identifying each other as members of the same exclusive tribethat of intellectual snobs with nevertheless low-brow sensibilitieswe gigglingly put together sketches in which no highfalutin subjects were off limits for being either too cerebral or too juvenile: a man who goes to his doctor after an episode of unprotected sex sends his balls rolling pointlessly from side to side (You have Sisyphus.); two murder detectives dance with plungers in a musical number about Derrida in CSI: Pretentious Victims Unit; the devil on somebodys shoulder turns up for a shift, only to find that his counterpart has ditched the wings and halo for a T-shirt that says Super Ego, and wants him to wear one that says Id.

I forget how exactly we discovered that my favourite and most influential high school teacher, Marlena Morgan, had been Pauls mentor during his student-teacher practicumbut I do remember that even though we were thrilled with surprise, we werent shocked. She had left us both with the same love and excitement, and irreverence, for big ideas. Paul has a resum more eclectic than a Depression-era carny (and is, in my experience, just as trustworthy), but a clear thread connects everything hes ever done, from the youth pastors pulpit to the stand-up comedy stage to the classroom: he teaches, through story. Today, hes doing that on a larger scaleteaching the cast and crew of a Marvel superhero podcast, for instance, that it actually isnt funny to ask Method Man if hes a method actor (even though it kind of is)but hes the same guy. Im honoured to be Paul Baes pale little brother, and to present this hilarious and compelling collection of his teaching stories. From Sir, with love.

CHARLES DEMERS Robins Egg Books Editor FUNNY GUY A grade ten student is laughing hysterically at a joke I made in class. Ive been waiting for about a minute for her to stop so I can continue the lesson. HER (Between gasps of breath) Im sorry! So funny. ME Please, dont apologize. You make me feel like the funniest person alive. HER I know! I laugh at the stupidest things! SEPTERMBER ORIENTATION WEEK I am at a week-long grade eight orientation camp.

Its after lights out and everyone is in their rooms. My room is next to a group of grade eight boys and the walls are so thin I can hear everything they say. STUDENT 1 Wait. Do you think Sir can hear us? Silence. STUDENT 2 (Calling out) Sir? Silence. STUDENT 2 (Yelling) Sir! Can you hear us? Silence.

STUDENT 2 No, he cant hear us. For the remainder of the week, these boys think Im psychic. ANOTHER SUMMER COME AND GONE ME What did you do this summer? GRADE TEN STUDENT Nothing much. Hung out at the mall a lot. ME You know when Benja HER Are you going to bring up the Benjamin Franklin story? ME Howd you know? HER Everyone knows. ME Well, he did start his own newspaper when he was your age.

HER Are you actually comparing me to one of the greatest men in American history? Thats the standard I have to live up to? Were you doing that at his age? ME Good point. TOO YOUNG TO RECALL 9/11 STUDENT 1 Whys everyone saying never forget? STUDENT 2 You know: never forget. Like, dont forget it. STUDENT 1 Dont forget what? STUDENT 2 I dont know. Something. GULLIBLE One of my English 8 students excitedly approaches my desk, his buddies in tow, all giggling.