Harris - The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes

CHAPTER

DEFINITIONS

How Do You Define Sex?

When I teach group classes I ask a lot of questions of the attendees. Theres more to being an expert than simply lecturing. In fact, studies have shown that people learn more when they come up with their own answers and solutions. One of the questions I like to ask is, How do you define sex?

When I ask this at the beginning of a class, attendees look at me like Im joking. But as soon as people try to answer, they figure out the complexity. And even if someone comes to an easy answer, it likely doesnt align with the answer of the person theyre sitting next to.

When theres enough time, I have people break into small groups to discuss. Just like you remember from elementary school, each group comes up with their own definition, then we share them all with the larger group and discuss. Its always tricky for each group to come up with a working definition they can agree on. And when we come together to share, each group has come up with something different. And you know what? No one is wrong. Defining sex is incredibly personal, and everyone can have their own definition.

Why ask this question? Because defining sex is an important first step before you can negotiate sex with other people. Having different definitions for the same words or acts is one of the most common sexual misunderstandings. Its also one of the quickest ways to cross a boundary or get in trouble.

When coming up with an answer, I encourage as broad a definition as possiblehaving a broad definition of sex allows you a lot more flexibility when it comes to negotiating play with other people and gives you more options for ways to get needs met.

What definition do you have in your mind right now? Take a minute to think about it. Maybe even write it down.

Does your definition involve penetration? Orgasm? More than one person? The more requirements we have for something to be sex, the more ways there are for something to fall short or feel like a failure.

For example, if your definition of sex is penetration with an erection, what happens if the person with a penis cant get an erection? Or if theres no penis involved at all?

Or if your definition requires an orgasm, or mutual orgasm, and one person cant get theredoes that invalidate everything that you and the other person just shared?

We can have orgasms by ourselves. So when were having sex with other people, its about more than just getting off. It can be about building or maintaining intimacy and connection. It can be about skin-to-skin contact and the pleasure of touch. Its about exploringboth what other people like, and what we can learn about ourselves in relation to other people.

Maybe sex is pleasure; solo, partnered, or in groups. Maybe sex is an intention to share something intimate. Maybe sex is play. Whatever feels like a good fit for you, try for a broad and flexible definition. And then consider how that definition can include three bodies.

What Counts as a Threesome?

So youve just come up with a working definition of sex for yourself. Does that mean thats what a threesome includes? Not necessarily. While you might have a very specific fantasy in mind, having a broad definition of a threesome is just as helpful as having a broad definition of sex.

Especially when it comes to a first threesomeeither your first ever, or your first with a particular combination of people it can be a great idea to start small. There doesnt need to be nudity or genitally focused sex acts for a threesome to be fun.

What about snuggling and watching a movie together? What about a three-way make out? Maybe even a game of strip poker or sexy D&D. A three-way massage session can be a great start. It can involve clothes coming off as well as taking turns as the center of attention. And the communication used for massage can be very similar to the communication used during sex, so its a great trial run to make sure everyone can use their words, and that everyone is listening.

Maybe you decide to try group massage, and the boundary is that everyone leaves their underwear onplus no touching over underwear areas. This is a great chance to find out if people are able to respect boundaries in the heat of the moment, or if they get carried away. And that includes whether they continue to ask about doing something that has already been stated as a boundary or limit.

Massage is also a great way to see if the group finds balance in terms of who is giving and who is receiving touch. Does one person always end up the center of attention? Figuring out all these details before everyone is naked can be very helpful.

At some point we seem to reach an age when just making out or flirting doesnt feel like enough, but I encourage you to give those kinds of encounters a chance. You may be surprised at how hot they can be.

In Justin Lehmillers book Tell Me What You Want, he recounts the results of what, to date, has been the largest survey of sexual fantasies of American adults. And guess what? Of the men and women surveyed, 57.4% and 69.3% respectively report fantasizing about kissing often. So dont ignore this option!

To do this as an exercise, set a night aside when youll confine your intimacy within certain parameters. Maybe its all kissing, maybe theres touching above the waistthe details are up to you. But set boundaries that keep you wanting more.

Now explore what its like to kiss and touch when its not just a prelude to something else, but the main event. What are you noticing that you usually miss? Are you more aware of how your partners lips feel against yours? Are you paying more attention to the noises they make or the way their body moves?

Having a few restrictions can open up a whole new world of exploration and experimentation, because those boundaries force us out of our usual routines.

How else can you expand your thinking as to what counts as a threesome?

You may be imagining a threesome as three people in a bed togetherbut what if one of the participants is on the phone, or on video chat? For many people, this can feel like a safer way to explore the fantasy, and for people with long-distance partners or partners who travel for work, this can be a great way to add some passion and connection between visits. For a first threesome with a particular partner you may want to be in the same place for ease of check-ins and aftercare, but once you know its something you enjoy, your imagination is the only limit.

Thinking Beyond the Standard

I met a couple from a dating app for a drink, and we all hit it off. The conversation was well rounded, and not just about sex. Everyone took turns talking, and they seemed genuinely interested in me as a person. I was also watching the way they interacted with each other. They both seemed comfortable and confidant, and would occasionally glance at each other to check in.

I asked my usual questions about their level of experience and what they were looking for. Theyd played with other couples, in a full swap scenario, but theyd never had a threesomethey were hoping Id be their first.

In their prior experiences theyd mostly played in the same room, so they were able to see what their partner was up to. This meant they had a pretty good idea of how they felt about sharing, and whether jealousy was a common issue.

The couple were a man and a woman, and the woman didnt have much experience with other women, but she was curious. This can go either way for me, and it really comes down to the person and their attitude.

Back in my teen years, more than one friend came to me with their curiosities. I was open about my sexuality from an early age and that meant people came to me with questions. I was always hesitant to be someones first same-sex kiss because if they ended up having complicated feelings about it, our friendship would get mixed up in those feelings.