Jessica Yuppa Huddy - Say this, not that to your teenage daughter : the pocket guide to everyday conversations

DISCLAIMER

This book is not intended to replace medical or psychological treatment.

Ilana Kukoff, Ph.D., and Jessica Yuppa Huddy, M.S. of Applied Psychology, do not practice psychology or psychotherapy. They are the founder, CEO, and Director of Curricula of Cognition Builders, an educational consulting company that provides the Say This, Not That program to families across the globe.

The strategies discussed in this book may not be suitable for every individual, and the relationship advice may not be suitable for every family.

If you or a family member have any medical or psychological conditions or limitations you should discuss them, and the advice and strategies suggested in this book, with your own medical and mental health professionals.

In some cases, a family dynamic may require family counseling with a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, counselor, or other mental health professional.

The names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this book are either the products of the authors imagination or are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

This book is not a substitute for mental health therapy.

The authors and publishers specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

Co n t e n t s

Foreword

so much depends

upon

a red wheel

barrow

glazed with rain

water

beside the white

chickens

So wrote the American poet and physician William Carlos Williams decades ago. Kukoff and Huddy, experienced healers in their own right, understand how much depends upon the details: the red (not green) wheel barrow, glazed (not covered) with rain, beside (not on top of) the white (not bantam) chickens.

Unlike so many who offer help to parents, Kukoff and Huddy live in the details, in the weeds, not in the theory. They know what daughters say, and they know how parents writhe in their efforts to respond. They know how hard it is to know what to say. But most of all, they know about that red wheel barrow called reality.

This wise and immensely practical, useful, sanity- saving volume is brilliant in its brevity, scope, and savvy. These two women know what they are talking about (I wont tell you how and why I know this because they have not given me enough space to do so, but, believe me, and you really ought to believe me, because I know) and they can save you sleepless nights, endless fights, and, most of all, help you be the kind of parent you want to be.

No one does the most important job in the worldraising a childwithout help. These two women, Ilana Kukoff and Jessica Huddy, give you detailed scripts on what to say, and what not to say, as you interact (a euphemism if ever there were one!) with your daughter. But even better, they show you how to use your most powerful tool, the most powerful force in the worldloveconstructively, succinctly, and successfully.

Rejoice! The book you hold in your hands will deliver you to a new way of being with your daughter.

Edward (Ned) Hallowell, M.D.

Introduction

Words can make for fickle friends. They are both the chutes and the ladders of our daily lives. We go up and down, from conversation to conflict, often without really knowing why. From the daily common occurrences to the big ticket items, at every turn, the things we sayor dont shape our lives. Words are never just words. For us at Cognition Builders, this truth is a cornerstone.

Cognition Builders is an educational company devoted to building healthy individuals and families. Ilana Kukoff is the founder and CEO. Jessica Yuppa Huddy is the director of curricula. When we set out to write this book, we thought about the stories weve collected, the conflicts weve dissolved, and the dysfunction weve rewritten. Again and again, our clients ask us so many of the same questions: What do I say when _____ happens? What do I say when she _____? What do I say every time _____? So we pulled together the conversational hang-ups weve encountered most often and tackled them, one by one. While no real individuals have been portrayed or named in this book, the anecdotes included are based on the real and composite experiences of our lives, and the lives of those we have helped. Our goal in writing a book has always been clear: bring our method to the masses.

Since our goal is to teach, we knew that Say This, Not That needed to be compatible with your real life. Learning is not a passive activity. It may begin with a book, but it never ends there. And every day, we compete against a flurry of distractions, at an unforgiving pace. Chances are that you dont have the time to translate the latest research on adolescent development into workable advice every time you dont know what to say to your teenage daughter. In those moments, you wish someone would just script you (or maybe even censor you). Say This, Not That is here to do that.

Cognition Builders has helped A-list entertainers, Fortune 500 CEOs, politicians, and everyday families alike take on the complexities and conflicts of the human condition. The great equalizer in life is having a problem in your family. From more than two decades of experience, heres what we know: Its not theory that saves the day. Its humor, compassion, and no-nonsense instruction.

Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter is a pocket guide for on-the-go help. Whether youre in the office, at dinner, or watching a movie with the family, we outline over sixty common occurrences the moments, interactions, and experiences that make or break our daysand show you how to talk through them.

Ilana Kukoff
Founder and CEO
Cognition Builders

Jessica Yuppa Huddy
Director of Curricula
Senior Assistant Clinical Director
Cognition Builders

How to Use This Book

As with any set of instructions, read carefully and follow directly for best results. The same is true for this book. In Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter , we cover everything from pettiness to crises. Were not all that interested in why youre saying what youre saying, though we do offer a bit of insight on that. Why arent we interested, you ask? Because were focused on changing what youre doing, whatever your reasons. Knowing how to respond in the moment is key, and knowing what to say is hard. Luckily, weve taken care of that part. But to make the most of the advice and nail the execution, there are some important things to keep in mind.

Lets lay out the ground rules.

1. Dont be sarcastic. Words go a long way, but tone always comes along for the journey.
2. Dont let emotion do the talking. What you want to say and what you should say arent always the same thing.
3. Remember whos in charge. As the parent, its your job to set her paths, no matter how much pushback you get.
4. A good response is a great start, but actions are always required.
5. It takes years to become the people we are. Remember that your daughter is learning, and that learning takes time and practice. Dont be discouraged if she repeats mistakes.