Joanne Kimes - Menopause Sucks: What to Do When Hot Flashes and Hormones Make You and Everyone Else Miserable

Menopause
Sucks

What to Do When Hot Flashes Make
You and Everyone Else Miserable

Joanne Kimes
author of Pregnancy Sucks,
and Elaine Ambrose
Technical Review by
Carolyn Chambers Clark, A.R.N.P., Ed.D.

Copyright 2008, Joanne Kimes. All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, an F+W Publications Company
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-59869-542-8
ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-542-7
eISBN: 978-1-44051-504-0
Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
available from publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity
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For information, please call
1-800-289-0963.

This book is intended as a reference volume only, not as a medical manual. The information given here is not intended as a substitute for professional fitness and medical advice. If you suspect that you have a medical problem, seek competent medical help. You should also seek your doctors approval before you begin any diet or exercise program.

All diets identified by name within this book are the intellectual property of their respective owners and no claim of any rights thereto is being made herein. In addition, care has been taken to properly identify each of these diets by their accurate designation(s) and to utilize the trademark symbols and where appropriate.

The opinions presented in this book are those of the author alone and are not meant in any way to disparage the diets themselves, the trademarks associated therewith, or the diet owners. Neither the author nor the publisher is in any way associated or affiliated with the entity owning the rights to any of the diets referred to herein.

To Jeanette Kimes,
my wonderful mother-in-law, who not only reads all my books,
but doesnt give me grief about all the mother-in-law jokes.

Elaine dedicates this books fearsome facts and feisty fables to
her fabulous female friends: Carol, Smitty, and Shreve.

contents

Chapter 1
Welcome to Menopause!

Chapter 2
No Pain, No Perimenopause

Chapter 3
The Only Thing Constant Is The Change

Chapter 4
Over 40 and Looking Fabulous!

Chapter 5
From G-String to Gee I Wish You Would Go Away

Chapter 6
Emotional Volleyball Mood Swings Through the Ages..

Chapter 7
How to Stop Your Emotions from Running Wild

Chapter 8
Mental Issues Are Important If You Can Remember Them

Chapter 9
Boost Your Brain

Chapter 10
Healthy Living for Baby Boomer Bodies

Chapter 11
Physically Fit over Forty

Chapter 12
From Puberty to Powerful

Chapter 13
Let The Change Change your Life for the Better

Chapter 14
Next Stop, Post-Menopause!

introduction

I remember my first episode of perimenopause as clearly as the first time I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. I was sweating, crying, clawing at my hair, and ripping off my clothes. Unfortunately, I was 46 years old and there was no Fab Four in sight. In fact, this horrific event happened during an important business meeting.

Wearing my sassy yet sophisticated power suit with the appropriate accessories and ladder-climbing shoes, I was speaking to a group of Very Important Personnel. Suddenly some unknown force of evil invaded my body and mind, rendering me a breathless mass of confusion. I swear that it was similar to having a mammogram, a root canal, and a colonoscopy in a sauna while watching reruns of the shower scene from the movie Psycho. Only worse.

A wave of intense heat rolled over my belly to my head. Styrofoam lined my mouth, I forgot how to speak English, and my tongue rolled out just like the camel at the zoo. Then my brain slipped into neutral. Who were these people staring at me? Why was I standing in front of them sweating like a heavyweight boxer in the ninth round?

I feared death was imminent as my chaotic mind ratcheted from neutral into panic mode. Who would care for my children? Had I paid the electric bill? Crap, if this is the end, why didnt I have that donut after all?

The sudden urge to urinate and pass gas added to the discomfort. I removed my jacket, a serious no-no in a corporate world that frowned on such informality. I grabbed the water pitcher and rubbed it on my forehead. Definitely another no-no. I took a swig from the pitcher as my last defiant act before I could explode into a ferocious fireball and take all those fools down with me. Burn and destroy the evil businesspeople!

Suddenly, after an excruciating forty seconds, the internal torture ended. I stood there like a ravaged survivor who was had just surfed a live volcano flow. Only no one in the room knew or appreciated the fact that I was alive, yes alive, to face another day! I quietly sponged the sweat from my brow and blotted my notes.

After stammering through the presentation, I gathered the leftover donuts and retreated to the womens lounge to sob uncontrollably between bites of maple bars and cinnamon rolls. Was I going crazy? Were these strange feelings just signs of early dementia? Wow, these donuts are heavenly!

Later that night, after I remembered where I lived, I began to research possible causes for the symptoms of my new malady.

Sudden sweating.

Memory loss.

Irritability.

Food cravings.

Yup, it was perimenopause. I assumed that peri was the Latin word for dangerous and menopause was the word for crazy lady. I learned that these symptoms were only part of the total menu of midlife maladies that could occur as I transitioned into the real mother of all body betrayals. Menopause. Wasnt I too young, too busy, and just too perky to deal with the M word? I decided right then and there that yes, Menopause Sucks!

I found my reading glasses and began to write down the basic facts. I searched the Internet and studied my vast library of books on womens health. There wasnt enough information. After a sleepless night (yet another symptom of perimenopause), I visited the local bookstore to read about this mysterious condition. Unfortunately, most of the facts were very clinical and resigned. So, I asked my mother, and she said to just take it quietly, dear, and why dont you call more often? I asked my women friends, and they all said they were way too young to go through the change and why was it so damn hot in here?