Joanne Kimes - Pregnancy Sucks For Men: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You BOTH Miserable

Pregnancy
Sucks

FOR MEN

2nd Edition

What to Do When Your Miracle
Makes You Both Miserable

Joanne Kimes,

author of Pregnancy Sucks

and Jeff Kimes

dedication

To my husband, Jeff

Thank you for sticking by me throughout my troublesome pregnancy, my oversensitive nature, and my occasional undercooked chicken. I love you with all my heart.

acknowledgments

First and foremost, I wish to thank my daughter, Emily, without whom this book would never have been written. Even though she made my life difficult while growing inside of me, once she came out, she made it complete.

My eternal gratitude to my editor, Kate Epstein, and all the kind people at Adams Media, for giving me the opportunity to write another book. Not only did this allow for another wish fulfilled, it also provided me the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom that much longer.

To my sister, Laurie, who performed generous babysitting duty as my deadline approached. All of those long treasure hunts and macaroni-and-cheese lunches are greatly appreciated.

A big thank-you to the numerous men who shared their innermost feelings about pregnancy with meRobert Schroer, Matthew Greenberg, Jay ODonnel, Tom Whyte, Jesse Albert, David Stokes, Brian Jones, Ted Bonnitt, Chris Jackson, and Paul Kaplan. And to the many others who shared their feelings but made me swear on my life that I would never use their real names.

And finally, thank you to my husband, Jeff, for helping to create not only this book, but the baby who inspired it.

introduction

by Joanne Kimes

When I found out that I was pregnant I was the happiest woman alive. After years of hoping, my dream had finally come true. But what I thought would be nine months of bliss turned into nine months of blecch. And worse yet, I couldnt utter a single complaint to my friends and family for fear of being perceived as the worst mother-to-be in the world. For complaining when youre pregnant is looked upon by mankind as unwomanly and downright sinful. Instead of keeping quiet like a good little pregnant girl, I wrote a book about what a difficult time reproducing can be and called it Pregnancy Sucks.

Several months after the book was finished I got a call from Kate, my editor. We were thinking that you should write a companion book for Pregnancy Sucks, said Kate. It would be a book from a mans point of view about all the unpleasant aspects that fathers-to-be have to go through as well. I thought about it for a second and said, Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! Truth be told, it wasnt so much that I thought the idea was so hot, but I sure wasnt going to pass up a book deal when one was thrown my way. But after Kate hung up I wondered how I could ever write such a book. How much did pregnancy really suck for men anyway? Sure, they have to live with a cranky wife and have less sex, but does it really suck? I didnt think so.

I turned to my husband, Jeff, and told him what Kate had proposed. I told him that a book that lists all the ways pregnancy sucked for men would be shorter than one that listed the Cubs winning seasons. But then Jeff did something truly surprising. He didnt laugh. (Thats not really the surprising part, because Jeff doesnt always get my sense of humor. This is a source of frustration for me, but he knows how to fix things around the house so I forgive him.)

What was surprising about that moment was the serious look on his face. What is it? I asked in the loving, caring way that I always do. Is there something you didnt tell me when I was pregnant? Was it really all that hard for you? Then, after years of keeping quiet, Jeff finally admitted the truth. He poured his heart out and told me about the dozens of reasons why he too found the reproductive process so difficult to handle. The truth poured out of him with the force of Niagara Falls. It was as if the pregnancy floodgate had finally been lifted.

I asked Jeff why he had never mentioned this to me when I was pregnant, and he gave me two very good reasons. The first one was, just like with an expectant woman, it was socially incorrect for future fathers to complain about their wives pregnancy. If he did, he would be seen as the loser of all husbands and not worthy of the blessing that had been bestowed upon him. His second reason was simpler: pure survival instinct. I admit that when I was pregnant, I had a mood swing or two. So Jeff did what every other father-tobe does: He kept his mouth shut.

Because of Jeffs honesty, I decided that Kate was right. This book should be written. Its a story that must be told so that the truth can finally be revealed. Pregnancy does suck for men as well. But I knew that I couldnt write this book alone. Doing so would go against my cardinal rule of writing: Write what you know. And I know one thing for sure: I am not a man who has lived with a pregnant woman.

Just then a light bulb went on above my head. (It was only Jeff fixing the overhead light fixturesee, he really is quite handy to have aroundbut it still gave me the inspiration that I needed.) Jeff should help me write the book! Hes the one who can provide the male perspective that it so desperately needs. Hes the one who can supply the difficult topics that Ill need to focus on. And by far the most important thing, he can give it a voice. We would work together on the book, and it would be written from Jeffs perspective. We both know that after hearing your wife rant and rave all day, the last thing you want is to listen to another woman telling you what you need to know.

So Jeff and I worked together and designed Pregnancy Sucks for Men to be the quintessential guide for the father-tobe. Its a book thats geared toward the interests of men and focuses on the problems and issues that theyll face during the months ahead. It offers numerous ways in which they can help their wives with their uncomfortable pregnancy ailments. And it also gives expectant fathers the womans perspective on some hot topics so that they can dodge the inevitable bullets that hormones and mood swings can fire off. And, for no extra cost, youll also receive a monthly update of your babys development so that youll know what hes been up to while he causes such havoc.

It seems that every few years the rules of pregnancy get tweaked. New products are created. New trends set in motion. But this brand-spanking-new second edition of Pregnancy Sucks for Men is chock full of the latest and greatest pregnancy and birthing advice. With this book in hand, you can keep up to date in your role of daddy-to-be. I hope it gives you the tools youll need to survive these next nine months. I hope it enlightens you about the changes that are taking place in you, your wife, and your child. And I hope that by learning a few tricks, you can take away some of your wifes discomfort and in turn make her happy. Because that, my friend, is what pregnancy for men is really all about.

introduction

by Jeff Kimes

When my wife asked me to help her write this book, I was hesitant. To be honest, Im not much of a writer. (Im not much of a reader either, unless you count the Sunday sports page.) But I did have a thing or two to say about living with an expectant woman.

When Joanne was pregnant with our daughter, Emily, I had some rough times to deal with, but all in all, I think I did a pretty good job of keeping her happy. I doted on her every need. I rubbed her achy feet until I had achy hands. And I told her that she hardly even looked pregnant even though she looked like she was put through that FatBooth phone app.