Bob Phillips - Over the Hill & on a Roll: Laugh Lines for the Better Half of Life

Over the Hill
& on a Roll
Bob Phillips
HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS EUGENE, OREGON Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Scripture from the New King James Version, Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Cover by Dugan Design Group, Bloomington, MinnesotaCover illustrationDugan Design Group
OVER THE HILL & ON A ROLL
Copyright 1998 by Bob Phillips
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
ISBN 978-0-7369-2916-5
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
10 11 12 13 14 15 / BP-SK / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CONTENTS Over the Hill?
On a Roll? During the 1970s, there was a very popular phrase among college young people: Dont trust anyone over 30.

Some people today think that 35 is middle age. Others believe that midlife crisis starts at 40. The question is, How can you tell if youre getting older? How can you tell if youre over the midway point of the hill of life? Here are some of the clues to this most difficult question. The first clue is your belief that printers are using smaller type these days. You have to use a magnifying glass to read anything. On top of that, theyre making print type so fuzzy that you have to hold it at arms length to get it into focus.

Another clue is that people seem to be talking softer than they used to. You have to get people to keep repeating what they said, only a little louder. Many times you find yourself nodding your head in agreement with people even though you have no idea what they said. You may be growing older if you think staircases are steeper these days and everything is farther than it used to be. Have you gotten to the point where you believe clothiers are making suits and dresses that shrink, shoelaces are harder to reach, snow is heavier, schoolkids are younger, food is more fattening, and other people your age are much older? That may be a clue. Another way to tell if youve gone over the hill is a change of interests.

Do you find yourself interested in early-bird specials and doggy bags? Have terms like arthritis, cellulite, crows-feet, varicose veins, sunspots, and pacemakers entered your vocabulary? Have products like Poli-Grip, Geritol, Preparation H, Depends, and stewed prunes become household items? When you begin noticing stretch marks, multiple chins, wrinkles, and foldsand your belt buckle is disappearingit might be a sign that changes have occurred. A confirmation is when your upper arms hang and shake as you walk and your derriere drags on the ground. When you put on your makeup with a trowel and your hair turns gray or even blue... youve probably gone over the hill. That is the time when you wish you could have some of Dick Clarks cells put into your body. You can tell if youre over the hill when you put tenderizer in your oatmeal.

You can tell if youre over the hill when you get more get-well cards than junk mail. You can tell if youre over the hill when your favorite exercise is a good brisk sit. You can tell if youre over the hill when you begin using words like spry, plasma, salt-free, and fast temporary relief. You can tell if youre over the hill when it takes a half-hour to wake up your leg. You can tell if youre over the hill when you attend seminars on death planning, nutrition education, and grief therapy. You can tell if youre over the hill when you believe that regularity is more important than popularity.

You can tell if youre over the hill when you talk to yourself and then complain of hearing voices. What you dont realize is that its okay to talk to yourself, and its okay to answer yourself. Its when you disagree with the answers that youve got a problem! Youre most likely over the hill if you can remember the following: When hardware used to refer to a store and not computer equipment. When enter was a sign on a door, not a button on a computer keyboard, and chip was a piece of wood. When fast food was what you ate during Lent, and it used to be that people married first and then lived together. When rock music took place while grandma sang a lullaby in a rocking chair, and kinky was for hair.

When closets were for clothes and not coming out of, and aids were helpers in the principals office or pills to help you when you were on a diet. When grass was for mowing, Coke was a refreshing drink, and pot was something you cooked in. To write a book like Over the Hill & on a Roll is no easy task. It takes a great deal of persistence. In fact, I never knew the word defeatalong with thousands of other words I never knew the meaning of. Actually, I come from a family of writers.

My sister wrote books that no one would read. My brother wrote songs that no one would sing. My mother wrote plays that no one would see. And my father wrote checks that no one would cash. When I first started writing, I contacted one publisher for encouragement and asked, What is the best way to get started writing? He said, From left to right. I then showed him my material and said, Ive always wanted to be a writer in the worst way.

He looked at my manuscript and said, I think youve succeeded. I knew that this man was unable to see true genius, so I mailed my manuscript to another publisher. Weeks went by and he never responded. Finally I got upset and sent him a letter asking him to read and publish my book immediately, or else return it, because I had other irons in the fire. My manuscript came back with a note that said, I have read your book and advise you to put it with the other irons. I decided to ignore the publishers negative comments and sent copies of my manuscript to several other book editors.

I got the following replies. Many thanks for your book; I shall lose no time in reading it. Your book is fine. The only trouble is that the covers are too far apart. Your book is out of this world, and I think that is the best place for it. Your book is not to be lightly cast aside.

It should be thrown with great force. After being turned down by numerous publishers, I decided to write for posterity. I finally convinced a publisher to print some of my books. He took the risk and ended up publishing a number of my books. To date, the combined total of my books is over 5 million copies. If you dont believe it, come up to my house and count em.

In spite of all the encouragement I received, I decided to write another book anyway. I decided to get the last laugh by presenting to the world Over the Hill & on a Roll. I hope you have a fun time with it. 1
Youre over
the Hill When Youre over the hill when your feet hurt even before you get out of bed. Youre over the hill when the rock stars you used to idolize are now potbellied and gray. Youre over the hill when you try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover youre not wearing any. Leonard L. Leonard L.

Knott Youre over the hill when you realize how many people in power and authority are just winging it.