Bob Phillips - The Best of the Good Clean Jokes

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS EUGENE, OREGON Contents Cover by Dugan Design Group, Bloomington, Minnesota Cover illustration iStockphoto / zaricm THE BEST OF THE GOOD CLEAN JOKES Copyright 1989 by Harvest House Publishers Published by Harvest House Publishers Eugene, Oregon 97402 www.harvesthousepublishers.com ISBN 978-0-7369-5243-9 (pbk.) ISBN 978-0-7369-5244-6 (eBook) All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a non-transferable, non-exclusive, and non-commercial right to access and view this electronic publication and agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of authors and publishers rights is strictly prohibited. Aches and Pains Ive got so many aches and pains that if a new one comes today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it. Adam Sam: My daddy has Washingtons sword and Lincolns hat.

Bill: My father has an Adams apple.

Eve: Adam, do you love me? Adam: Who else? African Chieftain An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z and then added in perfect English, Yes, I had a very nice flight. Another reporter asked, Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while youre in the area? The chief made the same noises Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z and then said, Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.

Where did you learn to speak such flawless English? asked the next reporter. The chief replied, Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z from the shortwave radio. Agnostic Q. What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A. Someone whos up all night wondering if there is a dog. Agreement You can easily play a joke on a man who likes to argueagree with him.

Airlines A good-sized man approached the ticket counter at United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was already filled with baggage and passengers. How much do you weigh, sir? asked the clerk. With or without clothes? the passenger asked. Well, said the clerk, how do you intend to travel? Allowance Son to father: About my allowance, Pop. Its fallen below the national average for teenagers.

Amen The new Army recruit was given guard duty at two a.m. He did his best for a while, but about four a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and then looked upward and reverently said, Amen. Amputated Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.

Which do you want first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What is the good news? Doctor: Your other leg doesnt need to be amputated after all. Anger A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, Dad, what is the difference between annoyance, anger, and exasperation? The father replied, It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean. With that the father pulled out his phone and dialed a number at random.

To the man who answered the phone, he said, Hello, is Melvin there? The man answered, Theres no one living here named Melvin. Why dont you learn to look up numbers before you dial? See, said the father to his daughter. That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch The father dialed the number again. Hello, is Melvin there? he asked.

Now look here! came the heated reply. You just called this number and I told you that theres no Melvin here! Youve got a lot of nerve calling again! The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, You see, that was anger. Now Ill show you what exasperation means. He again dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, Hello! the father calmly said, Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me? Another Doctor, Please Looking down at a sick man, the doctor decided to tell him the truth.

I feel that I should tell you that you are a very sick man. Im sure you would want to know the facts. I dont think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see? Bending down toward his patient, the doctor heard him feebly answer yes. Who is it? In a slightly stronger tone, the patient said, Another doctor. AnyonePlease! Boy: Why wont you marry me? Is there someone else? Girl: There must be.

Apathy The number one problem in our country is apathybut who cares! Applause Applause before a boring speaker begins his talk is an act of faith. Applause during the speech is an act of hope. Applause after he has concluded is an act of charity. Apple A man traveling through the country stopped at a small fruit stand and bought some apples. When he commented that they were awfully small, the farmer replied, Yup. The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, Not very flavorful, either.

Thats right, said the farmer. Good thing theyre small, aint it?

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. Nothing, she said with a smile. Its just to keep the doctors away. Argument If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, I guess youre right.

Army The first sergeant was holding a class on combat for his company. He said, Smith, what would you do if you saw seven hundred enemy soldiers coming at you? Smith said, I would shoot them all with my rifle. The sergeant asked, On the right you see four hundred enemy soldiers charging at you. What would you do? Smith said, I would shoot them with my rifle. The sergeant continued, Okay! On your left, Smith, you notice a thousand enemy soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do? Smith answered again, I would shoot them all with my rifle.

The sergeant yelled, Just a minute, Smith. Where are you getting all those bullets? The soldier smiled and said, The same place youre getting all those enemy soldiers. Arthritis Doctor: The check you gave me for my bill came back. Patient: So did my arthritis! Asylum Late one night in the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, Im Napoleon! Another said, How do you know? The first inmate said, God told me. Just then a voice from the next room shouted, I did not. Atheist I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up the idea.

They dont have any holidays.

Atheist: Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a whale? Preacher: I dont know, sir, but when I get to heaven Ill ask him. Atheist: But suppose he isnt in heaven? Preacher: Then you ask him! Next page