Barbour Publishing - 777 Great Clean Jokes

2006 by Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Print ISBN 978-1-59789-126-4

eBook Editions:
Adobe Digital Edition (.ePub) 978-1-60742-297-6
Kindle and MobiPocket Edition (.prc) 978-1-60742-298-3

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Cover image iStockphoto

Published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., P.O. Box 719, Uhrichsville, Ohio 44683.

Our mission is to publish and distribute inspirational products offering exceptional value and biblical encouragement to the masses.

Printed in the United States of America.

Hickory dickory dock,

The mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the others escaped with minor injuries.

What keys cant open locks?

Monkeys, donkeys, and turkeys.

Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

They kept saying, Bach, Bach, Bach.

Some Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of the scouts saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, We might as well give up. Theyre coming after us with flashlights.

My cat is so smart. He eats cheese, then waits at the mouse hole with baited breath.

Boy: Could you sell me a shark?

Pet-shop owner: Why do you want a shark?

Boy: My cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.

Frank: Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the zoo for feeding the pigeons?

Harry: No. Whats wrong with feeding the pigeons?

Frank: He fed them to the lions.

If baby pigs are called piglets, why arent baby bulls called bullets and baby chickens chicklets?

What is the difference between a cat and a match?

A cat lights on its feet, and a match lights on its head.

What grows up while it grows down?

A baby duckling.

Whats gray on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a sandwich bag.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?

So they can hunt knights.

Why is a snake so smart?

Because you cant pull its leg.

Why do giraffes have such small appetites?

Because with them, a little goes a long way.

What is as big as an elephant but doesnt weigh an ounce?

An elephants shadow.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

A cowboy had two horses, but he couldnt tell them apart. He cut off one horses mane, but it grew back; he cut off the tail, but that grew back, too. A friend suggested that he measure the horses. The cowboy measured them and went to his friend and said, That was a great ideathe black one was two inches taller than the white one.

Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly, I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.

Thats true, the guide replied. But it depends on how fast you carry the torch.

A mothers bachelor son invited her over for a meal. He had just gotten two new dogs and wanted his mom to see them.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. Have these dishes ever been washed? she asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.

Theyre as clean as soap and water could get them, he answered. She felt a bit apprehensive but started eating anyway.

The food was really delicious, and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, her son took the dishes, put them on the floor, whistled, and yelled, Here, Soap! Here, Water!

First octopus: What do you like least about being an octopus?

Second octopus: Washing my hands before dinner.

Two hens were pecking in the yard when suddenly a softball came sailing over the fence, landing a few feet away from them. One hen said to the other, Will you just look at the ones theyre turning out next door!

Several buffalo were grazing on the prairie when a cowboy rode up. Looking at the animals, he said disgustedly, You are the ugliest buffaloes Ive ever seen. Your fur is matted, you have humps on your backs, and youre slobbering all over the place.

The cowboy turned and rode off, and one buffalo said to another, I think I just heard a discouraging word.

Steve: How did your parakeet die?

Fred: Flu.

Steve: Dont be silly. Parakeets dont die from the flu.

Fred: Mine did. He flew under a bus.

Which is richer, a bull or a cow?

A bull. The cow gives you milk; the bull charges you.

How many skunks does it take to smell up a neighborhood?

Just a phew.

City slicker: I finally went for a ride this morning. Ranch hand: Horseback?

City slicker: Yep, he got back about an hour before I did.

What is a polar bears favorite place to vacation?

Brrr-muda.

What is a woodpeckers favorite kind of joke?

A knock-knock.

What is an eels favorite card game?

Glow Fish.

Why did the turtle go to the therapist?

He wanted to come out of his shell.

How does a beaver know which tree to cut down?

Whichever one he chews.

What would you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?

A hyper viper.

What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a frog?

An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.

What kind of flowers would you give an absent-minded squirrel?

Forget-me-nuts.