Barbour Publishing - The Big Book of Church Jokes

2009 by Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Print ISBN 978-1-60260-386-8

eBook Editions:
Adobe Digital Edition (.ePub) 978-1-60742-311-9
Kindle and MobiPocket Edition (.prc) 978-1-60742-312-6

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Churches and other noncommercial interests may reproduce portions of this book without the express written permission of Barbour Publishing, provided that the text does not exceed 500 words and that the text is not material quoted from another publisher. When reproducing text from this book, include the following credit line: From The Big Book of Church Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by permission.

All scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., P.O. Box 719, Uhrichsville, Ohio 44683 www.barbourbooks.com

Our mission is to publish and distribute inspirational products offering exceptional value and biblical encouragement to the masses.

Printed in the United States of America.

The eleventh commandment:
Thou shalt laugh every now and then!

Lets see: The second of the Bibles fruits of the Spirit is joyso there must be some kind of fun in the faith life. And thats what The Big Book of Church Jokes is all about!

This collection of hundreds of jokes, funny stories, one-liners, and cartoons will put a smile on even the most dour church ladys face. Its all clean and good-natured humor, and arranged by topicsfrom pastors, deacons, and missionaries, to the people in the pews and the kids in Sunday school. Youll also find jokes on old-time church, country church, visitors, weddings, funeralseven heaven.

Youll probably see someone you know in these pagesadmit it, maybe even yourself! But thats okay. If we can laugh at our own flaws, maybe we can overlook some of the foibles of others.

The Big Book of Church Jokes is ready to spread a little joy in the world. So go aheadlaugh a bit!

Over the years of their marriage, a pastors wife had begun signaling her husband throughout his sermons. When she discreetly touched her hand to the top of her hair, she was telling him the message was going over the peoples heads. When she pulled at her ear lobe, she was asking him to speak louder. When she drew her fingers lightly across her throat, she was telling him it was time to cut the message short.

One Sunday morning, the pastor became so caught up in his message that he forgot to look his wifes way for some time. After nearly a half hour, he glanced her wayto see her holding her nose.

Its time to get up for church, a mother told her son. You know today is Sunday.

I dont want to go, he replied. I dont have any friends there. The music is awful. And the sermons are boring!

But you have to go, the mother insisted. Youre the pastor!

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?

A: German shepherds.

Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying, a pastor told his congregation. To help you understand my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark .

The following Sunday, the preacher asked how many of his members had read the assigned chapter. Many hands went up.

Mark has only sixteen chapters, the pastor said, smiling. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

An airplane flew into a violent thunderstorm and experienced a lot of turbulence. One very nervous flier happened to be sitting next to a clergyman. Cant you do something? she pleaded.

Im sorry, maam, the reverend said gently. Im in sales, not management.

A young intern was substituting for the churchs pastor, a popular minister who had suddenly become ill. The young man, though obviously nervous, presented his sermon well and then concluded his prayer with a heartfelt, And may Pastor Hale be filled with fresh veal and new zigor!

Some pastors sermons are like the peace of God. They surpass all understanding.

A new preacher was delivering his first sermon and was quite nervous. He became even more concerned when he noticed that he didnt have the attention of the congregation.

Can you hear me in the back? he questioned.

Not really, was the reply, whereupon everyone in the first several rows got up and moved to the back.

A man heard the airplane stewardess address his seatmate as Doctor.

Youre a doctor, huh? he asked. Ive been wanting to ask one of you about this pain Ive been having in my side.

The doctor smiled pleasantly. I doubt I could be of much help to you, he said. My training is in homiletics.

Homiletics, the man said, gasping. Is that fatal?

An opinionated woman attended a church service to hear a young minister. At the conclusion of the service someone asked her what she thought of his message.

He sure spoke in true apostolic style, she commented. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel.

An old man had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, the old mans condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and the man used every ounce of strength to scribble a note before he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when the man died. He said, You know, he handed me a note just before he died. I havent looked at it, but knowing him, Im sure theres a word of inspiration there for us all.

He opened the note and turned pale as he read aloud the words, Youre standing on my oxygen tube!