Jim Kraus - The Laugh-a-Day Book of Bloopers, Quotes & Good Clean Jokes

Susan was having a lot of problems trying to sell her old car because it had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she told her problem to a friend, who said, There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.

That doesnt matter, Susan whispered, if only I can sell the car.

Okay, Susans friend said. Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and hell turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.

Susan quickly made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later, her friend asked Susan, Did you sell your car?

No, Susan replied, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!

Blooper

Pastor Grayson will lead a brown-bag seminar titled How to Hold Effective One-Hour Meetings from noon to 1:30 on Wednesday.

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To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the continued popularity of dogs.

My mother began getting calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new computer repair business. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed. He refused.

The calls kept coming day and night. At first Mom tried to tell them they had called the wrong numberbut more calls came. Then she started giving them advice, despite the fact that she knew nothing about computers.

Finally, Mom began telling the people who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the computer repair company voluntarily changed its number.

Blooper

All went well on the adult camping trip last weekenddespite the low temperatures in the late 40s and early 50s.

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One good thing about apathy is you dont have to exert yourself to show youre sincere about it.

Every member of the Mensa organization has an IQ in the top 2 percent and has to pass a difficult test of logic and reasoning to be admitted. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members ate dinner at a local caf. While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker contained salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling them, using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for these Mensa members.

The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

Miss, they said, we couldnt help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker

Oh, the waitress interrupted. Sorry about that. She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Blooper

Thanks! During our Summer Fest celebration, Masons Funeral Home brought cheer to our senior citizens.

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Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will turn vegetarian.

A woman and her husband had to interrupt their vacation to go to the dentist. I want a tooth pulled, and I dont want any pain shots or Novocain because Im in a big hurry, the woman said. Just yank out the tooth as quickly as possible, and well be on our way.

The dentist was quite impressed. Youre certainly a courageous woman, he said. Which tooth is it?

The woman turned to her husband and said, Show him your tooth, dear.

Blooper

The Granite City Mens Prayer Group will hold an early-riser breakfast. Breakfast will be served until 2:30 p.m.

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A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth, then sells the cloth.

At the banquet celebrating Tom and Susans twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a long and successful marriage.

Tell us, Tom, someone said, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?

Tom responded, Well, Ive learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgivenessand a great many other qualities you wouldnt have needed if youd stayed single.

Blooper

Company representative Chip Wallingsford spoke to the seniors at Gary Methodist Church and offered a free trial of the Miracle Ear hearing aid. Its an unheard-of 60-day risk-free trial, he said.

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An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through the hospital, an X-ray technician was showing X-rays of broken bones.

Have any of you ever broken a bone? he asked.

A pretty little girl in pink raised her hand and replied, I did.