Kate Conner - Enough: 10 Things We Should Tell Teenage Girls

Copyright 2014 by Kate Conner

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

978-1-4336-8293-3

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Published in association with literary agent David Van Diest of D.C. Jacobson & Associates, An Author Management Company, www.dcjacobson.com.

Dewey Decimal Classification: 158

Subject Heading: GIRLSCOUNSELING OF \ CHRISTIAN LIFE \ TEENAGERSCOUNSELING OF

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture is taken from the New International Version ( niv ), copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.

Also used: the Holman Christian Standard Bible, ( hcsb ), copyright 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers.

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Acknowledgments

D avid, Sarah, Jennifer, and Jana: A million thank yous for reading a million e-mails, editing a million drafts, and answering a million questions. So I guess three million thank yous. You are so, so good at what you do. You made everything better. I am blessed to have you on my team. Without you there would be no book.

My friends and family: whose names could fill another book. I am humbled by your friendship. You support, encourage, babysit, laugh, weep, and carry. You are my people. Without you there would be no book.

Jesus, You make me enough. Apart from You I have no good thing. All of this, and all of me, is from You, and through You, and to You.

For the girl in all of us. You are enough.

And for Madeline, my sparkle. I love you every single second.

Neon Purple Leggings

Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.

Rachel Zoe

Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity.

Coco Chanel

F act: There is one involuntary, biochemical reflex genetically bred into every teenage girl on the planet. When the fearsome creature known as the teenage girl hears the word modesty, she rolls her eyes and makes a guttural noise. A noise originating deep within the soul of the teenager and culminating in the throat: Ucgh.

This noise is the perfect marriage between a scoff and a gag; the teenager has had twelve years to perfect it. She cannot help itits universal.

This is why it is so hard to talk to teenage girls about their clothing; you have to avoid the buzzwords. (Other buzzwords include midriff and un-lady-like.)

Talking to a teenage girl about her wardrobe is like playing Taboo, that party game in which you have to describe an apple without using the words computer, iPod, fruit, red, Mac, pie, or Snow White. The teenage girl functions as the buzzer; when she makes the ucgh noise, youre out.

But modesty is not a dirty word. Its not oppressive or archaic, and Ive found that teenage girls arent nearly as opposed to the concept of modesty as they are to the word itself.

Sometimes, in the name of real communication, you have to wade through all of the assumptions and preconceived notions, debunking and disarming as you go, before you can start talking about the stuff that matters.

The way women dress is one such opinion-laden, assumption-laden issue.

Three Realities

There are three realities that teenage girls need to understand before we can grab them by the proverbial (or literal) shoulders and shake some sense into them about their vapor-thin Hollister tank tops and the fact that they have to wear bras.

1. Womens bodies are beautiful. (Thank God, glory, hallelujah, amen.)
2. Men like to look at women.
3. Its not bad.

Womens bodies are beautiful.

Boys like breasts. As it turns out, they also like other various girl body parts including, but not limited to: stomachs, lips, hair, necks, thighs, calves, feet, hips, backs, shoulders, elbows, ear lobes, and pinky toes.

Boys arent weird or creepy, theyre just smart. Womens bodies are beautiful. One of the great perks of womanhood is that we get to be curvy and soft and inviting. Men are angular, muscular. And while thats nice enough, theyre also hairy.

Femininity is a superpower.

Biologically speaking, adolescence is the time when this superpower emerges. Inconveniently enough, adolescence also places each newly christened superhero of a girl smack in the middle of the wondrous teenage phase of self-discovery.

I do not know what your teenage experience was like, but mine was magical. When I was fifteen I learned that I was good at writing. When I was sixteen I learned that I liked it. When I was thirteen I traveled to France. I studied the language for eight more years and returned after my college graduation, because the language and culture never left me. I discovered my sense of humor (Funny: hyperbole, puns, wit. Not funny: jokes involving any bodily function). I learned what kind of music I liked; I discovered my spiritual gifts; I overcame chronic, compulsive shyness; I spoke out about my faith; I fell in love.

This kind of self-discovery and self-expression is intoxicating and deliriously freeing.

Too often we make modesty about hiding.

Cover that up.

No one wants to see that.

People will get the wrong idea about you.

That looks trashy.

You will not leave this house wearing that.

Just as girls are coming into their own, we issue parental mandates that require them to conceal bits of themselves that they are learning to love. Consequently, modesty to a teenage girl feels a lot like someone trying to take away her superpower.

The first thing that young women need to understand about modesty is that hips and breasts are not shameful body parts to be covered up or embarrassed about. Hips and breasts (no matter how big or small) are secret weapons of awesomeness, and its okay to love them.

Men like to look at women.

Men like to look at women. Even married men. Even happily married men. Even good, kind, respectful, stand-up men. Even Christian men. Men are hardwired to enjoy women.

Says who?

Says God. Says the history of mankind, the animal kingdom, natural selection, the Bible, your pastor, and every teenage boy youll ever meet. The fact that men are hardwired to enjoy women is a fact that pretty much everyone can agree on.

Women are beautiful and men like to look at them. The sooner we all reckon with this stone-cold reality, the sooner fifteen-year-old girls will stop using stupid non sequiturs like, Its not my fault I have breasts. Therefore I have the right to buy a prom dress that is missing a torso. (Just why? Are they tanning at the prom? Jazzercising?)

Sound familiar? If not, it is because you have never been, had, met, or seen a teenage girl. You are likely a seventy-year-old man born at sea who has yet to find shore, because that one is straight out of their playbook.

A mans desire to look at a womans body does not make him disrespectful; it makes him a man. It is just as unfair to say, Every man who gapes at women is a creep, as it is to say, Every woman who has big breasts is easy, or Every girl who wears makeup is vain. It is categorically untrue.

Ive noticed that we often make modesty about going on the defenseabout protecting young women from predators. It doesnt take long for a bright girl to see the absurdity of this. A bright girl knows that a man who intends to stare will stare, regardless of what she is wearing. In the same vein, men who have committed not to stare, wont.

The notion that a woman can dress in a way that will prevent men from looking at her just doesnt hold water, not in the real world. This line of reasoning leads to burkas; Maybe if I just cover up a little more...

It also leads to spandex miniskirts; If hes going to look anyway, then I might as well wear this.

Womens bodies are beautiful; modesty is not about hiding.