Table of Contents
To Robert Goodman for all your laughter and tenderness, the two sexiest qualities I know. Thanks also for defining romance as ingenious loving attention. What a concept! and what fun to explore.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Roz Van Meter, and for 30 years Ive been an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, helping thousands of couples escape a boring, stuck, or dysfunctional sex life. Most of them have come to realize that sizzling sex is primarily a journey of pleasure, that the journey is more important than the destination. True, a climax can whiz you momentarily into outer space or set off fireworks behind your eyelids, but sensualists who learn to savor every step of the journey are the best love-makers in the world.
The ideal is different for everybody. For some, sizzling sex connotes hot, heaving, throw-down ravishment. For others, its ecstatic flights of sensuality. Still others want sweet, slow-moving, soul-connection bliss that satisfies both partners. Many want every one of these modes at different times.
Because I can see only a certain number of clients personally, and given the reality that so many people dont have access to a Certified Sex Therapist, I decided to write this do-it-yourself sexual solutions book, offering education, tips, techniques, and encouragement to people I may never get a chance to meet. Sizzling Sex in 30 Days offers the same outcome-oriented experience you would get by investing in a series of sessions with me, or by seeing any other certified sex therapist.
If you are experiencing a dry spell (or a major drought) in your sexual relationship with a spouse or lover, Ive designed this program to help the two of you reclaim all the wonderful sexy energy that marked the beginning of your romance. You deserve it! One of my core beliefs is that healthy sex is a lifelong birth right.
You were born with exuberant sensuality. You may not remember it, but before the world started toning it down, your sexiness was natural, open, innocent, and lots of fun. I know a 3-year-old boy whose mother is delighted when he strips off his pajamas, streaks out the back door toward the pool, and hollers, Its naked boy! as he cannonballs into the water. We all experienced this little boys exuberance as infants and children.
The good news is, you dont need to give it up just because youre older or have more responsibilities in life. A healthy, vibrant sensuality can wake you up and make you feel more alive than youve been since you were a toddler. It can create a new level of intimacy in your relationship, perhaps deeper than youve ever known.
A lot of education and training went into this book: four years of college, two years of graduate school, a Masters degree in Communication in Human Relations, and 3,000 hours of clinical experience just to get licensed as a Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist. Even so, OJT (on-job training) has taught me the most: Ive worked with some wonderful clients and watched them reclaim their connection and rekindle their passion. Sometimes I tell you some of their stories, with names and circumstances changed to protect their privacy and confidentiality. I send deep thanks to them all.
Its important for you to know that Sizzling Sex in 30 Days is a sex-coaching program, not psychotherapy. Coaching is for healthy people who want more of somethingor less of something. Maybe they need better balance in their lives, more time and energy, better communication and understanding, a more satisfying sex life, better information, education, and skills.
If you need psychotherapy or marriage therapy, contact your local mental health association for names of qualified psychological professionals in your area. For sex therapy, go to the website of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (www.AASECT.org) to see if there is a Certified Sex Therapist in your area. However, I suggest that you first apply the contents of this book. You may decide you dont need the referral after all.
To get the most of what I offer in the Sizzling Sex program, you must take charge of your emotional and sexual life. Ask yourself, what do you want less of and more of in your life? If youre like most people, you want less stress and more life in your life. Less frustration, inhibition, miscommunication, tension, pressure, missed cues, strain, distance, even loneliness. More fun, sexiness, spontaneity, closeness, reassurance, sensual pleasure, and connectedness with your loved one.
Every exercise or suggestion is designed to help you reconnect with yourself and each other. Youll take steps to move past embarrassment, unresolved hurts, anxieties, and disappointments in your sexuality.
You will learn how to wake up and notice things you may never have recognized, thought of in quite that way, or considered important. You can learn to pay attention to whats going on in your body, with your emotions, and with your spirit, as well as those of your partner.
You already know some of the information in this book. However, if you leave a tool in a drawer or ignore an instruction book, you might as well not own them. They become valuable only when you remember where they are and then use them purposefully. Some of the information may be new to you. I believe this book contains the information you need to re-create (or perhaps create for the first time) the kind of passion and sensuality you want and were meant to have.
Time to get started! Get out your calendar and mark 30 days from the time you start using this book. If you follow these suggestions, strategies, and approaches, I believe youll see a real difference in your sexual skills and enjoy a deeper intimacy with the one you love.
Chapter 1
EXPECTATIONS
Its time to get cozy, light an aromatic candle, and put on some relaxing music because youre about to utilize all your senses to rekindle your sexual expression and deepen your connection to the one you love. We begin with some ways to talk about the program with your partner so you both can share the excitement as you enter the Sizzling Sex pleasure zone.
MAKE IT PERSONAL FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
Did you know that human beings are (almost) the only species on earth that has sexual intercourse just for pleasure? The only exception is the Bonobo ape of Central Africa, which has replaced aggression with sex and is said to do it pretty much all the time. All the other species with which we share this planet can have sex only when the female is fertile. Its a biological imperative, done wholly without choice to continue the species.
Although its fun to act like animals sometimes, its also wonderful to know that, as human beings, you have the gift of sex as a choice. Sex can be shared not only to make babies, but also as the tender, passionate expression of love and appreciation.
That leads me to an essential premise for Sizzling Sex in 30 Days. You dont need to know or do anything in advance to get the most out of the Sizzling Sex program. Unlike school, there are no prerequisites other than a desire for fun and sexual fulfillment with your partner of choice.
The Sizzling Sex