Judith Viorst - Unexpectedly Eighty: And Other Adaptations

Also by Judith Viorst POEMS The Village SquareIts Hard to Be Hip Over Thirty and Other Tragedies of Married LifePeople and Other AggravationsHow Did I Get to Be Forty and Other AtrocitiesIf I Were in Charge of the World and Other WorriesForever Fifty and Other NegotiationsSad Underwear and Other ComplicationsSuddenly Sixty and Other Shocks of Later LifeIm Too Young to Be Seventy and Other DelusionsWait for Me and Other Poems About the Irritations and Consolations of a Long MarriageWhat Are You Glad About? What Are You Mad About?Nearing Ninety and Other Comedies of Late Life CHILDRENS BOOKS Sunday MorningIll Fix AnthonyTry It Again, SamThe Tenth Good Thing About BarneyAlexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DayMy Mama Says There Arent Any Zombies, Ghosts, Vampires, Creatures, Demons, Monsters, Fiends, Goblins, or ThingsRosie and MichaelAlexander, Who Used to Be Rich Last SundayThe Good-bye BookEarrings!The Alphabet from Z to A (With Much Confusion on the Way)Alexander, Whos Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to MoveAbsolutely Positively AlexanderSuper-Completely and Totally the MessiestJust in CaseNobody Here but MeLulu and the BrontosaurusLulu Walks the DogsLulus Mysterious MissionAlexander, Whos Trying His Best to Be the Best Boy EverAnd Two Boys BooedLulu Is Getting a Sister (Who Wants Her? Who Needs Her?) OTHER Yes, MarriedA Visit from St. Nicholas (To a Liberated Household)Love & Guilt & the Meaning of Life, Etc.Necessary LossesMurdering Mr. MontiImperfect ControlYoure Officially a Grown-UpGrown-Up MarriageAlexander and the Wonderful, Marvelous, Excellent,
Terrific Ninety Days

One Hallmark of Maturity Is Having the Capacity to
Hold Two Opposing Ideas in Your Head at Once Insurance, Eternity, John Quincy Adams, Polar Bears,
Lab Tests, and So Forth Just Because Im Elderly Doesnt Mean You Can Talk
to Me in Elderspeak E-mail Is a Wonderful Way to Stay in Touch with the
Children My scalp is now showing. My moles keep on growing. My waistline and breasts have converged. My teeth resist brightening.

Im in decline. Its positively frightening. A new moons arriving. Sinatra is jiving. My husband is holding my hand. The white wine is chilling.

Im still alive. Its positively thrilling.

December dinner parties do not thrive Unless the dinner party ends at five. Nor do we go to operas or ballets Unless were ticketed for matinees. And when we take our grandkids on the town, We must get back before the sun goes down. Our social life is suffering from blight As, one by one, we cease to drive at night.

We sensibly accept that we must squint Whenever we confront the finer print. We know our blusher cannot be applied Unless our mirrors triple-magnified. We count on bifocals to mend the blur That sometimes makes a him look like a her. But when the day is done, were out of sight As, one by one, we cease to drive at night. Our new best friends may lack both charm and spark But they can see the road when it is dark. The widows bypass prepossessing guys For schlumps possessed of twenty-twenty eyes.

And when its evening and were needing cars, Wed pick up fellows (if we could) in bars. Weve grown to fear the fading of the light, And, one by one, we cease to drive at night.

When I see a young woman strolling down the street With her gleaming hair, glowing skin, and impeccable thighs, Evoking from the passing male population Some appreciative glances, some longing sighs, Some politically incorrect but rave reviews, And when I notice that none of these fellows is taking notice of me In my elasticized-waistband pants and my comfortable shoes, I mobilize the wisdom of a lifetime And tell my envious heart, Been there, done that, Calling upon my memorys rich store. To which my envious heart replies, Recalcitrantly, unreasonably, But I want to be there again And do that some more. So my husband and I are up here in Maine With some of our children and grandchildren, Vacationing together in an excessively rustic cabin in the woods, The woods always having been a part of nature I always have been happy not to commune with, Although (on the grounds that at any age people can change), Im hoping to acquire a better attitude. Everyone else is walking the trails, enjoying the pine-scented air and the crunch underfoot And giving no thought to the fact that underfoot and in the air and everywhere else, Danger is lurking.

And so, while Im working hard on my better attitude (On the grounds that at any age people can change), Im also thinking ticks and Lyme disease, Whose significant increase in Maine, according to Google, Is why Im never walking through the woods With my ankles exposed or my arms exposed or my head uncovered Or minus my pepper spray, Which Im counting on to discourage the 22,000 foraging bears Which, according to Google, have left their dens and are busily foraging Across eighty-five percent of the state of Maine, And whose record for killing human beings, though described as remarkably low, Isnt really low enough to help me to acquire a better attitude, Especially when these woods are home to the largest snake in Maine, The black racer, aka Coluber constrictor, Which, according to Google, needs protection from people like me More than I need protection from snakes like it, Even though its six feet long, moves at lightning speed, And is yet another reason why, thanks to Google (And despite my belief that at any age people can change), Ive so far failed to acquire a better attitude.

Youll find no even-tempered conversation On matters like a misbehaving priest. Theres screaming over drug legalization. Theres snarling over peace in the Mideast. Insist on global warming and theres tension. Defend health-care reform and cast a pall.

On almost any subject you can mention Youll stir up an unseemly free-for-all. But theres one question that unites the pack: Does anybody here have a bad back? The worlds your friend when speaking of the spine. Civility is never put at risk. So dont bring up intelligent design. Stay focused on the herniated disc. And though solutions vary: Surgery or exercises? A chiropractor or an orthopod? Theres animation rather than attack.

For everybodys sharing And everybodys caring When everybody talks of their bad back.

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