Judith Viorst - Im Too Young To Be Seventy: And Other Delusions

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ALSO BY JUDITH VIORST P OEMS The Village Square Its Hard to Be Hip Over Thirty and Other Tragedies of Married Life People and Other Aggravations How Did I Get to Be Forty and Other Atrocities If I Were in Charge of the World and Other Worries When Did I Stop Being Twenty and Other Injustices Forever Fifty and Other Negotiations Sad Underwear and Other Complications Suddenly Sixty and Other Shocks of Later Life Unexpectedly Eighty and Other Adaptations Wait for Me and Other Poems About the Irritations and Consolations of a Long Marriage C HILDRENS B OOKS Sunday Morning Ill Fix Anthony Try It Again, Sam The Tenth Good Thing About Barney Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day My Mama Says There Arent Any Zombies, Ghosts, Vampires, Creatures, Demons, Monsters, Fiends, Goblins, or Things Rosie and Michael Alexander, Who Used to Be Rich Last Sunday The Good-bye Book Earrings! The Alphabet From Z to A (With Much Confusion on the Way) Alexander, Whos Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move Absolutely Positively Alexander Super-Completely and Totally the Messiest Just in Case Nobody Here but Me Lulu and the Brontosaurus Lulu Walks the Dogs Lulus Mysterious Mission Alexander, Whos Trying His Best to Be the Best Boy Ever And Two Boys Booed What Are You Glad About? What Are You Mad About? Lulu Is Getting a Sister (Who Wants Her? Who Needs Her?) O THER Yes, Married A Visit from St. Nicholas (To a Liberated Household) Love & Guilt & the Meaning of Life, Etc. Necessary Losses Murdering Mr. Monti Imperfect Control Youre Officially a Grown-Up Grown-Up Marriage Alexander and the Wonderful, Marvelous, Excellent, Terrific Ninety Days Simon & Schuster 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com Text copyright 2005 by Judith Viorst Illustrations copyright 2005 by Laura Gibson All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. This Simon & Schuster hardcover edition October 2005 SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or . The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Interior design by Karolina Harris The Library of Congress has cataloged the Free Press edition as follows: Viorst, Judith. Im too young to be seventy: and other delusions / Judith Viorst; illustrated by Laura Gibson. cm. 1. 1.

Humorous poetry, American. 2. MarriagePoetry. 3. FamilyPoetry. 4.

AgingPoetry. I. Title. PS3572.I6 I47 2005 811'.54dc22 2005047706 ISBN 978-0-7432-6774-8 ISBN 978-1-4165-8855-9 (ebook) for Joan and Leonard Beerman Lisbeth and Daniel Schorr and in memory of Grace and Harold Willens

Instead of old, Let us consider Older, Or maybe oldish, Or something, anything, That isnt always dressed In sensible shoes And fading underwear. Besides which, Seventy isnt old. Ninety is old.

And though eighty Is probably old, We neednt decide that Until we get there. In the meantime Let us consider Drinking wine, Making love, Laughing hard, Caring hard, And learning a new trick or two As part of our job description At seventy.

Ive never greeted my husband at the door Naked except for a necklace and high-heeled shoes. Ive never, when offered adulterous amour, Found it especially difficult to refuse. Ive never made mad love on my kitchen floor, Or slept with some nameless stranger on a cruise. Ive never considered having any more Than a total of two in bed.

How would I choose? Ive never attempted anything hard core With ice cubes, or whips, or cranberry-orange juice. Ive never played Teacher or Nurse or Belle de Jour, Or pursued a Havana cigars alternative use. Ive never felt strongly prompted to explore Other erotic options. A monkey? A moose? But if, in my eighties, sex starts becoming a bore, I fully intend to consider letting loose.

Though I brush twice a day and am deeply committed to flossing, Im finding that I, and that most of the people I know, Now require not only a regular family dentist, But also two dontistsone endo and one perio. At costs far surpassing our annual mortgage payments, In states of mind ranging from panic to weak in the knees, Ive acquired a mouthful of crowns, veneers, bridges, and implants, So Ill be at my best when photographers tell me, Say cheese.

Im smiling a strong, sturdy smile because my retainer Discourages slipping and grinding when popped in at night. And Im smiling a radiant smile because of those treatments That bleach out the yellow and leave me with Tom-Cruise-ish white. And Im smiling a gapless smile because Ive had bonding To close up those spaces in which spinach used to repose. And Im smiling a confident smile because, at the moment, Im sure nothing awful is going on under my nose. And yet, when I think of the drill, the novocaine needles, Those sharp metal instruments Human Rights Watchers should ban, When I think about having to open wider and wider And how I feel worse when Im finished than when I began, And when I consider my grandchildrens college tuitions, And the fortune in dentists and dontists I cannot bequeath, I wonder if maybe I should have at least considered A water glass and a set of removable teeth.

The coward dies a thousand deaths, The brave but one, I try telling myself When my doctor says, Hmmm, Instead of saying, Everything looks fine, And orders more tests.

And while I am waiting, And dying one of my thousand deaths, Of whatever it is Im being tested for, I try telling myself That Ive had a good life, That my children are grown and dont need me so much anymore, And that since this could be my last March 18th Or August 24th, I ought to try to savor every second. And while I am waiting, And dying one of my thousand deaths, And keeping in mind my good life And my grown children, And working on savoring every single second, I am telling myself To try to act plucky and spunky as well as inwardly serene, Which is how, when Im gone, Id like to be remembered. And while I am waiting, And dying one of my thousand deaths, And keeping in mind my good life And my grown children, And working on savoring every goddamn second, And knocking my brains out acting as if Im plucky and spunky and inwardly serene, My doctor calls to tell me that I passed the tests and Everything looks fine. Deaths died: One. Deaths left: Nine hundred and ninety-nine.

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