Faith G. Harper - Unfuck Your Cunnilingus: How to Give and Receive Tongue-Twisting Oral Sex (5 Minute Therapy)

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Contents

Introduction

Part 1: This is your brain on cunnilingus

Chapter 1: why it feels good to get cunnilingus

Chapter 2: why we like to give cunnilingus

Chapter 3: when things dont work fantastically

Part 2: How our cunnilingus gets fucked up

Chapter 4: internalized cunnilingus fuckening

Part 3: unfuck your cunnilingus

Chapter 5: Consent

Chapter 6: how to give cunnilingus

Chapter 7: How to receive cunnilingus

Chapter 8: sti prevention and safety

conclusion

references

about the author

more by Dr. Faith

Introduction

I ve written about intimacy in general and boundaries in general. And Ive written about sexual consent and sex toys (sex tools!) more specifically. And this book goes in the same pile with those...unfucking our shitty messages about sex and sexuality so you can reclaim your sexual self and make choices that are well-informed, enthusiastic, and freakin fun.

Cunnilingus is nothing more than oral stimulation of a clitoris. You know, going down. Clam diving. Carpet munching. Eating at the Y. Cunnilingus comes from the Latin words for vulva (cunnus ) and lick ( lingere ). So if you are reading this book you may be:

A person who either provides oral pleasure to a partner with a clitoris (whether one they were born with or one that was bio-constructed) or you are considering adding that to your personal menu.

You have a clitoris and want to be a better partner when receiving cunnilingus

You are a research nerd wanting to learn more in general.

I mean, chances are you didnt pick up this book thinking it was about decorating cupcakes. Youre here in hopes of learning more about yourself, a current partner(s), potential partner(s), or human peoples in general.

I should also offer caveats that may or may not be obvious. While I am the owner/operator of a vulva, I have not sampled the wares of others. And because I endeavor an approximation of delivering manuscripts on time, Im afraid I wouldnt have time to finish this book if I was out on a world-wide tasting menu expedition. So consider this the best advice of a sex educator who has worked diligently to be as inclusive as possible, but definitely is not perfect. And advice contained herein may or may not apply to your real life experiences.

So with all that in mind, lets get started.

Part One:

This Is Your Brain on Cunnilingus

O ral sex is kind of a reciprocal trade agreement, when you think about it. Its a negotiation between two (or more) people that is advantageous for everyone involved. Some people like a tongue/mouth (possibly among other things) on their vulva. And some people like to put their tongue/mouth (possibly among other things) on someone elses vulva. And both the receiver and the giver can experience enjoyment, excitement, and fulfillment from the experience.

The word giver is important here. I think the idea that oral sex is purely for the recipient is untrue and part of the shame, stigma, and even mostly-benign snark that surrounds that act. Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term GGG to mean good, giving, and game as a shorthand for the sexual attitudes that are foundational for a healthy sexual relationship. Savage defines GGG as the following: Think good in bed, giving based on a partners sexual interests, and game for anythingwithin reason.

This seems reasonable, but is it measurable? Turns out, yes. You wont find research articles that use Savages verbiage, but you will find a bunch of research on what is termed sexual transformations. Sexual transformations are the changes that we make for the sake of our partner or for the relationship itself, meaning being game.

Not begrudingly and eye-rolly but being open to exploring with your partner, in a playful and creative way. Being game means investing your time and energy into something that is an important part of your relationship...and the payoff (sez the researchers) is positive changes in sex, but also other forms of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, etc.), as well as communication and relationship satisfaction in general.

But until pretty far into the 20th century, like the Dr. Faith was alive part of it, oral sex remained something with Roman Empire vibes. In 1950 it was still dead-ass illegal in all 48 states (this was pre Alaska and Hawaii gaining statehood). Likely because of its ties to queer identity. It was something gay men did (e.g., Andy Warhols movie Blow Job (1964) where five different men off screen filated the man on screen). If a straight man received a blow job, it was from a sex worker, not something shared with a GGG partner.

Wanna know who finally got us to shift out of our ancient Roman mindset? The mafia. Seriously.

Mario Puzos novel The Godfather was published in 1969, complete with passages about mutual oral sex between a husband and wife (you know, 69ing). Then the movie adaptation came out in 1972. Additionally, the X rated film Deep Throat was shot in January 1972 just a couple of months before The Godfather that March ( Deep Throat released right after in June of the same years). Deep Throat was a blue movie with a fully realized plot, and it captured national attention and became a cultural touchstone. And? It was financed by members of the Colombo crime family. There is nothing more macho than crime boss shit, right? So as Christopher Hitchens stated in his 2006 Vanity Fair piece As American as Apple Pie oral sex was suddenly for real men. It wasnt emasculating to receive or give (!) oral sex.