David Posen - Authenticity: A Guide to Living in Harmony with Your True Self

Is Work Killing You?

The Little Book of Stress Relief

Staying Afloat When the Water Gets Rough

Always Change a Losing Game

Copyright 2018 David Posen

Published in Canada in 2018 and the USA in 2018
by House of Anansi Press Inc.

www.houseofanansi.com

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Posen, David B., author
Authenticity : a guide to living in harmony with your true
self / David Posen, MD.

Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-4870-0277-0 (softcover).ISBN 978-1-4870-0278-7 (epub).
ISBN 978-1-4870-0279-4 (kindle)

1. Self-realization. 2. Self-consciousness (Awareness). I. Title.

BF637.S4P67 2018 158.1 C2016-907274-6
C2016-907275-4

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016958343

Book design: Alysia Shewchuk

Illustration credits: p. 17 Personality and Optimal Arousal, copyright Brian Little; p. 127 Factors Affecting Sleep, adapted from the work of William Dement.

We acknowledge for their financial support of our publishing program the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, and the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund.

To the late Clare McKeon, my editor, mentor, and friend, who championed this book from the very outset but tragically never got to finish it with me.

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

William Shakespeare

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Oscar Wilde

Kimberly was a shy, quiet eight-year-old girl, not unlike her father. Her mother in contrast was bubbly and gregarious and kept urging her to be more outgoing. She tried to fake it but remembers feeling ill at ease, uncomfortable, trying to be the little girl her mother wanted her to be. Faking it was taking a toll. Kimberly developed headaches that lasted for years without her realizing why. Only in her twenties did she begin to understand what was happening. I started to pay attention to my own feelings, she said, identifying them, acknowledging them, and accepting them. Shortly thereafter, her symptoms resolved.

How many people find themselves in situations where theyre uncomfortable and dont know why? They feel like somethings off or not quite right. Then they might start to feel inadequate. Even worse, they may blame themselves and feel guilty. Or they sense what the problem is but keep trying to be what others especially parents, siblings, teachers, friends, and eventually bosses and spouses want or expect them to be. Instead of honouring their feelings, they do what they feel is necessary to fit in. But always at a cost.

Im a pretty fast skier but not as fast as my older brothers. For years I tried to keep up with them, but it was more stressful than fun. Finally, I got some sense, gave up, and just skied at my own pace and met them at the bottom of the hill. When I accepted my own rhythm, my own comfortable speed still pretty fast it was exhilarating and I loved it.

A friend of mine came from a family of lawyers. He was expected to follow in their footsteps. He reluctantly complied and went to law school which he roundly disliked. Finally, he decided to do what he wanted to do. He left law school, went to teachers college and began a teaching career which he soundly enjoyed.

Journalist Arianna Huffington tells the story of being sleep deprived for years because there were so many important things she wanted to do in her career in addition to being a mother. Sleep wasnt high on the list. It finally caught up with her when she collapsed in her office, hit her head on the desk, and broke her cheekbone. That was the wake-up moment for her when she realized the importance of slumber. She started getting the sleep she needed and became a whole new person. Now a passionate advocate, she started what she calls the Sleep Revolution.

Ive always expected myself to be a really good baseball player. I feel at times I chased the numbers. I wanted to be the power guy... I was searching, trying to be somebody I wasnt and I feel like... Ive gotten back to the guy that I always was, just competing and trying to be a good baseball player on both sides of the ball. Justin Smoak, 2017 American League All-Star First Baseman

One of my patients worked in the accounting department of a company. When he was told to fiddle with the numbers in order to make them look better, he felt uncomfortable and lost a few nights of sleep, tossing and turning, wondering what to do. He finally decided that he couldnt live with himself if he went along with the plan. So he quit his well-paying job because the values conflict he experienced wasnt worth it to him.

These examples reflect problems that patients have brought to me for more than thirty years of stress counselling. Theres a recurring pattern. As life has gotten faster, fragmented, and frenetic, a lot of folks have become disconnected from who they really are. Theyre like round pegs trying to squeeze into square holes. Much of the anxiety and depression that people suffer is a result of this conflict of trying to be what theyre not designed or inclined to be. Theyre living lives that feel inauthentic.

This book is about the stress that comes from trying to be what youre not and about how to live more in harmony with yourself. Its about being more self-aware and recognizing these (sometimes subtle) areas of conflict. Encompassing the insights of physiology, psychology, and philosophy, the book will explore five seemingly unrelated realms in which knowing yourself better will allow you to make more informed and realistic choices in life.

If you live in ways that are authentic, congruent, and true to yourself, you can live in sync with who you really are.

My friend Peter is a real presence. Hes a big guy in every way. First of all, hes 6'4" and weighs 235 pounds. He has a deep resonant voice, a hearty laugh, and an enthusiastic personality. Hes outgoing, funny, and gregarious, and anyone who ever saw him do musical comedy on stage still talks about his brilliant performances. Id known Peter for over thirty years when he shocked me with a piece of information that I never knew or suspected. Heres how it happened.

Peter called one night to say that he was coming to town to conduct a seminar at the University of Toronto.

I said, Thats great! Can we have dinner after?

Im counting on it.

When do you finish?

Five oclock.

OK. How about we pick you up at the school around five thirty?

Actually, it would be better if you picked me up at my hotel at seven.