Sarah Barmak - Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality

SARAH BARMAK

NOTES FROM THE ORGASMIC FRONTIER OF FEMALE SEXUALITY

COACH HOUSE BOOKS, TORONTO

copyright Sarah Barmak, 2016

first edition

Published with the generous assistance of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council. Coach House Books also gratefully acknowledges the support of the Government of Canada and the Government of Ontario.

LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA CATALOGUING IN PUBLICATION

Barmak, Sarah, author

Closer : notes from the orgasmic frontier of female sexuality / Sarah Barmak.

(Exploded views)

Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978-1-77056-439-8 (EPUB).

1. Female orgasm. 2. Women--Sexual behavior. 3. Sexual excitement. 4. Sex (Psychology). 5. Sex (Biology). 6. Libido. I. Title. II. Series: Explodedviews

HQ29.B36 2016 306.7082 C2016-902855-0

Closer is available as a print book: ISBN 978-1-55245-323-0

Purchase of the print version of this book entitles you to a free digital copy. To claim your ebook of this title, please email . (Coach House Books reserves the right to terminate the free download offer at any time.)

To Jeff

Well you see like a woman has a few things going for her, not very many but she has a few things going for her and one of them is uh, dare I mention it, a clit-clitoris and uh, whooo, a clitoris, yes. And what happens is that this old, this old clitoris of hers, it starts to thumpin. It starts to thumpin and it starts to humpin, and it starts to throbbin and it starts to sobbin, and this old !%6* %4*& %*?&:! $;//1 WHOOOOO! Well what happens is that you lie there and you get sort of helpless see, and like you get, its kinda freeze its kinda like a coke freeze if you know what Im talkin about. Okay so you get this freeze and like you feel kind of helpless and youre lying there and its like this little tiny part of you starts to scream this really really fine, exquisite, high pitched scream and its, its like a wire, its kind of like a wire that leads out into the sun that you find yourself being flung along arbitrarily and you dont mind in the least, you know you just go whoo-oo, you just go up there and um, its good sheet, yeh coming is good sheet.

Georgiana, interviewed by A.S.A. Harrison in Twenty-TwoWomen Talk Frankly about Their Orgasms(Coach House Press, 1974)

In a sex-obsessed culture, not all of us feel at home.

There was something mysterious the matter with me, something that could not be put right like bad breath or over-looked like pimples, and everybody knew it, and I knew it; I had known it all along.

Alice Munro, Red Dress

T he ladies trickle, slowly and tentatively, into the sex shop. Rather than turning right through the main door toward the sales floors hot-pink vibrators and tattooed staff, they keep left, climbing a narrow staircase into a little carpeted attic. They shake rainwater off their umbrellas and find seats in the circle of chairs, scooting around each other and mumbling excuse mes and sorrys. They look shyly at their laps, poke at their phones. One floor above the array of silicone toys promising advanced pleasure to the adventurous, these fifteen or so women aged twenty to sixty are here on a much braver quest: to learn how to have an orgasm. For nearly all, it will be their first one.

In contrast to the riotous main floor of Good For Her, Torontos sex store built for women, the quiet attic is solemn, its lights soft. The five-hour workshop, held on a drizzly Sunday morning in April, isnt meant for drop-ins. Participants have planned many weeks in advance, driving in from surrounding suburbs, leaving kids with grandparents or husbands.

The stores founder, Carlyle Jansen, stands, tall and self-contained. This is probably the first time youve been around people who understand you, she says softly. She asks everyone to say their name, a little about why theyre here and, lastly, to share something they have recently learned.

The room is quiet. Someone clears her throat.

Hi, Im Sherry. Ive never had an orgasm, begins one woman, with a mix of reluctance and relief. Um and Im learning to salsa dance.

Thank you, Sherry, says Jansen.

My names Maya, says a young woman (names and identifying details of participants have been changed). Ive never had an orgasm. Growing up I never masturbated or anything. I didnt find it pleasurable. I just felt really like, why am I doing this? Anyway. And juicings my new thing.

Like alcoholics at an AA meeting, they each make their admission. There is Denise, who says apologetically that shes from the suburbs. She laughs, then blurts out a story. I was sexually molested by my cousin when I was seven. Messed up, right? I only lost my virginity when I was twenty-eight. I faked it. Tears well up in her eyes.

The women are married, divorced, single. Theyre all straight except, perhaps, for one who keeps asking how shed know if she was a lesbian. Dressed in sensible sweaters and jeans, they cross their ankles under their chairs. Most seem as though they have deliberately avoided the topic of whether theyre satisfied with their sex lives until now.

Im forty-seven, says a woman named Jill. Three weeks ago I went on OkCupid. And I made out with a bartender. I thought my vagina was dead. When I talked to this guy, my vagina started tingling. Laughter ripples around the room. Im like, what is that? Its never happened in my life. And its kind of scary because I dont want Jills voice cracks. I dont want to be addicted to this guy. I dont want him to have that kind of power.

You wont, says Jansen, gently. Its your power.

Im married, says one woman. We have a really loving marriage now, but for a while we had a pretty bad sex life. I remember after my son was born they didnt stitch me up properly so it was very, very painful. And it didnt matter to my husband, so I had to have sex a lot

I was molested by my cousin when I was about thirteen, says a participant named Kathleen. I dont think I knew I had a vagina until I was an undergrad. I thought I was frigid. And I dont know if its because of what happened to me as a child or not, but Ive never been like, I can get myself to a precipice, but I can never right?

Yeah, uh-huh, says someone.

Like it becomes too intense, and I cant, says another.

Anybody feel like they get stuck on that edge, that precipice? asks Jansen. There are muttered yeses.

I feel its that my body might be ready to, but Im not, offers one woman.

Anybody ever have the experience, youre having sex but youre just there, youre not noticing whats going on? asks Jansen. Youre not feeling whats going on down there when youre in your head thinking about Am I going to have an orgasm? Am I not? Am I wet enough? Do I look sexy?

And those noises, offers Jill. When youre self-conscious, youre like, Oh, that sounds weird. How do you stop thinking? How do you stop thinking?

It was my birthday last week, says a woman named Michelle. Im fifty-six. I dont want to be single anymore. And I think I use this as an excuse. Because you can have relationships even though you dont have orgasms, right? But I cant. Or Ive set up that block for myself, right?

I finally want to have a real orgasm. I think I deserve that. Thats why Im here.