Elisabeth Wilson - Re-Energise Your Sex Life: 52 Brilliant Ideas to Put the Zing Back in Your Lovemaking

8. Sleep is the new sex honest!

I know a woman who tried to convince her lover that the really happening people were giving up sex in favour of sleep. But he wasnt buying it and neither am I!

Youd like to have more sex, really you would. Youre just too darn tired. Competitive tiredness between couples is a relatively new phenomenon and one result of both partners being strung out with exhaustion is no nookie.

Couples frazzled by the sheer weight of the goals they set themselves compete as to how tired they are. Youve worked for it and by god youve got it a life so totally, overwhelmingly busy that you simply dont have the energy for sex.

Its not of course the end of a relationship if you go some time with a lacklustre or indeed non-existent love life. Every relationship has its down-time. But the major worry with the tiredness reason for avoiding sex is that it gains a weird sort of reverse momentum. Keep using tiredness as an excuse and before you know it, total inertia has set in. What you need is a two-pronged attack.

First prong Get over yourself

Heres a fact: having sex when youre tired is not against the Geneva Convention. Having sex when youre tired can start off indifferently and get a whole lot better. And even if it doesnt, Im firmly of the camp that believes that in a longstanding relationship, indifferent sex is better than no sex. At least youve got something to work on.

If youre of the aficionado brigade who unless sex is a multiorgasmic garden of delight would rather not bother, then you have to negotiate this with your partner. Make definite dates when youre going to do it. Make sex that day your priority. See it as a red-letter event.

Second prong Reorganise your workload

This is anecdotal, based purely on my experience of knowing a lot of couples in their thirties with young children and having no sex. At the root of it is usually resentment on the part of one partner towards the other. Usually the woman is resentful of the man. She is usually working, even if only part time, and doing most of the childcare too. Women who have given up work to look after their children tend not to be as resentful, but they feel that their men dont appreciate all that they do. This is my experience but its backed up by at least two recent surveys.

Who does the most after a hard days work?

This quiz gives couples a quick visual reference of who does more around the home. Decide which of you most often undertakes a particular task. This test can be an eye-opener for couples that think they have a pretty equal relationship. If its not so equal, you have to take steps to delegate or equalise your workload, or your sex life is unlikely to get back to normal any time soon.

• Getting the children ready for the day
• Making breakfast
• Making packed lunches
• School run
• Supervising homework
• Teachers meetings
• Immunisations, trips to GP
• Dealing with childcare
• Bathing children and getting them ready for bed
• Bedtime stories
• Arranging play dates with other parents
• Supermarket shopping
• Cooking evening dinner
• Clearing house at end of evening
• Paying bills
• DIY, organising repairs
• Cleaning
• Taking out rubbish
• Buying childrens clothes
• Washing and drying clothes
• Dishwasher loading
• Gardening
• Maintaining and cleaning car
• Organising social life

You might be reading this and thinking, Im the major breadwinner, I work my butt off and cant do childcare too. But youll have to find some compromise for the sake of your relationship. You need to talk openly about how you divide your joint workload, give each other the space to have a life as an individual and find time to spend as a couple. If youre reading this and thinking, Who needs a blinking quiz to tell me I do it all? Then stop and examine your martyr-syndrome. Yes, youve got one. At all costs, you have to get rid of it or Im just so tired will sound the death knell for your sex life.

Overprotective parents take note: someone else can very well look after your children. Your relationship with one another cant be tended by anyone else but the two of you.

Workaholics take note: pop your clogs tomorrow and someone else will fill your job/role/career by Monday morning. No one else can take your place in your relationship.

How was it for you?

Q Your advice to make a date for sex just felt like another thing to add to my to-do list. Isnt this approach a bit, well, functional?

A Yes, I can see why youd think that. And its not that Im unsympathetic, but my point is that you cant rely on spontaneity and lust to propel you into sex. My advice to you is the same as to women who are pregnant and dont fancy sex. Indeed, its the only advice I give to pregnant women (who ask!): stop relying on your hormones; start relying on your bloke. Relaxing and giving your partner the chance to get you in the mood can often work wonders. Promise yourself that youll let him do his darnedest to haul you from lethargy and youll be amazed how often it actually works and you feel your libido stirring. If, after ten minutes or so of foreplay, he still cant persuade you that sex is more worthwhile than sleep, too bad, youll just have to break it to him gently that tonight hes flying solo. Nine times out of ten, however, youll have sex.

Q We have small kids and both work full time. We barely see each other, much less make love. Any fire-lighting tips?

A The best piece of advice I ever received on keeping the home fires burning was from a sophisticated woman in her forties. She had a grown-up family and a gorgeous husband who was devoted to her after twenty-five years of marriage despite (to my certain knowledge) a host of young womens desperate attempts to seduce him. When I asked her how they kept interested in each other after so long she told me, Well darling, we always make a point of going to bed at the same time as each other early, around ten. [Significant pause] And I always get into bed naked. Try it.

Heres an idea for you

If sex usually takes place just before bed and is generally rushed and unsatisfying because youre both knackered, make a weekly tryst for sex where you go to bed early and enjoy each other. Therapists agree that this appointment system is one of the easiest ways to ease you back into a good sex life.

Defining idea

He said, I cant remember when we last had sex. And I said, Well, I can and thats why we aint doing it.

ROSEANNE BARR

9. Get over yourself

If bungee jumping could do for us what sex can, wed be queuing up to try it.

There are minor and major reasons for periods when we dont fancy sex much. Sometimes we simply cant be arsed.

Answer yes or no to these questions:

1. Do you enjoy sex when you get going and then think, We should do this more often?

2. Are there any physical reasons you avoid sex?

3. Are there any psychological reasons you avoid sex?

4. Do you simply prefer to read gardening catalogues or watch Big Brother than have sex?