Dalma Heyn - Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy

Drama Kings

Dalma Heyn

TO DIANA

To care passionately for another human creature

brings always more sorrow than joy, but all the same,

Elinor, one would not be without that experience.

Agatha Christie, Sad Cypress

Contents

THE BEST PART of being an author is the pleasure of having your readers tell you that your books made a difference in their lives. After my first two books, women would stop me and say, You put into words what I was feeling for so long, or theyd write, I thought I was just a morose, depressed mess after my marriage, but I read Marriage Shock, and now that I know Im not alone, Im fine again!

After I wrote Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy, I had a different kind of thrill: not readers who recognized a certain condition in themselves that they couldnt find words for, but who recognized an unarticulated kind of relationship. I spent two years with an EGG, and you nailed it! and Ive been with Hit-and-Runs all my dating life.... Never again! Thank you!

The best new introduction, I think, is one that answers a few questions about the book.

Whats Drama Kings about?

Its about the increasing coupling of strong, high-achieving women with less-evolved men; specifically, men who havent yet become accustomed to the monumental cultural shift in this country over the past three decades.

You mean the shift toward more powerful women and wives?

Yes. Women have powered ahead so far and so fast that the statistics are dazzling: in education alone, women now earn 60 percent of bachelors degrees, 60 percent of masters degrees, 50 percent of medical and law degrees, and 43 percent of MBAs. The list of achievement goes on, and while cynics say this means the end of men, it means nothing of the kind. But it does mean a kind of love relationship this country has never seen. Middle-class women, as busy with their own careers as men are, dont need men for the reasonsprimarily financialthey used to, and dont have time for relationships that dont pull their weight in other ways, ways they were never asked to before. Women are asking for more intimacy. Most men are learning whatever intimacy skills theyve lacked in the past and are happily providing it. Drama Kings are not.

Why not?

Because Drama Kings are twentieth-century men who like things the way they were, when women made relationships work. Drama Kings think this is a womans job, and they dont want to develop the relationship skills twenty-first-century women demand. While attracted to these competent, high-achieving women, Drama Kings are neither equipped nor inclined to make them happy.

Is that why you say these are twentieth-century guys?

Yes. Theyre trying to attract twenty-first-century women but force upon them their outdated roles and outmoded ideas. The distance between the women and men in this regard is staggeringly wide.

Why do you think twenty-first-century women choose these Drama Kings?

They dont see them coming. Drama Kings dont wear signs saying Wont make progress! or Unfit for human consumption. They are often adorable, funny guys who just happen to be terrified of intimacy and put off by the kind of demands women are making. So while Drama Kings are naturally attracted to these dazzling women, they cant cut it. They dont want to try. Theyre mad. So they find ways to sabotage the relationshipor else sabotage the woman.

How?

They stonewall. They stomp out. They rage. They criticize and put down. They control. Sabotage can take myriad forms.

Is that why you list the kinds of Drama Kings, to show their styles of sabotage?

Yes. And so a woman who finds these guys fun and familiar and comfortable at first can have fun with them, dance with them, sleep with them. But then I want her to know that, as she moves toward more intimacy, Drama Kings will move away; and when conflict arises, theyll shut down or stomp out; and when she presses for connection or support or commitment, theyll walk away.

Are Drama Kings different from the garden-variety commitment-phobic guy weve heard about for centuries?

Yes. Drama Kings are a specific product of our time; a subset of men who embody and define uniquely old-fashioned and outmoded ideas about love, gender roles, relationships, and women. Unlike other men who may also long for a man-centric past, when the world revolved around men and women saw to their needs, Drama Kings are stuck there. Rather than adjusting to the social tides that require changes in both genders, Drama Kings see no benefits in such an evolutionary deal.

A Drama King experiences the very woman to whom hes attracted as a threat; as if shes displaced him, usurped his power. Outraged at his new position, he clings to the ancient notion that relationships, like housework and child care, are a womans job. His job in love, he figures, is simply to show up.

Which is what drives strong women crazy?

Yes. A strong woman finds herself in a quandary with a Drama King: Unlike other men who are merely trying to figure out how to be in a relationship, just as women are, he saps her strength. He makes her feel overwhelming or selfish or demanding. So here she is with a man who has dug in his heels, and she doesnt know what to do. Her question becomes, Should I stay in a relationship that exhausts and demeans me? Or should I work harder at it, insist on fully being who I am and what I need to beonly to watch him sabotage it?

And what are most women doing?

Theyre leaving. They get the message that these are not men in the market for forming a deep bond, and they just say Thank you, good-bye.

How can a woman learn to spot a Drama King?

She cant spot himhe looks just like a regular guy, after all. But she can be attuned to how she feels when shes with him. Is she exhausted? Is she feeling wistful much of the time? Is she walking on eggshells, worried about whether hes displeased about something? These three feelings are significant, and can quickly help her differentiate between those dazzling star performers still hogging the spotlighti.e., Drama Kingsand men who can and want to love her.

And this has been the essence of all your books, hasnt it? How a woman can be her full, true self, expand, and find deep pleasure in a relationship?

Yes. Thats my work as an author. And this book is a look at some typical relationship dynamics that draw us in and trip us upall of us, no matter how strong and evolved we are. Were not clairvoyant. We can only learn by remembering how we felt in a relationship; or, rather, how it made us feel. My job, I think, is to point to feelings that women have shared with me and pass them on. That way, a reader can see if they resonate and can stay strong and clear. Have a nice time with a Drama King for a while, maybe, but then, when youre exhausted or demeaned or feel as if youre walking on eggshells, you can say, oh yes, this was inevitable and this isnt my problem and this is where I bow out. And you can then go find someone to love.

Dalma Heyn

February 2011

Love me in full being.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Love Poems

MAUREEN FISHER SAYS SHE has it all. At thirty-eight, she is healthy, the mother of an adored teenage son, Timothy, and the marketing director of the biggest sports equipment store in Florida. She and Timothy live in a small house forty minutes from Tampa. Timothys father, Maureens ex-husband, Christopher, lives close by, popping over several times a week when Maureen works late so Timothy wont be alone. Maureens relationship with Christopher is good, now that their divorce is well behind them and Timothys well-being is their only concern. She has three dear, close friends; a Tibetan terrier; and aging parents she is happy to support.