Joseph Shrand - The Fear Reflex: 5 Ways to Overcome It and Trust Your Imperfect Self

THE FEAR REFLEX

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2014 by Joseph Shrand

All rights reserved. Published 2014.

No part of this publication, either print or electronic, may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Shrand, Joseph, 1958

The fear reflex : 5 ways to overcome it and trust your imperfect self / Joseph Shrand, M.D., with Leigh Devine.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-61649-553-4

1. Fear. 2. Anxiety sensitivity. I. Devine, Leigh, 1963 II. Title. BF575.F2S473 2014

152.4'6dc23

2014024740

Editors note

The names, details, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication. In some cases, composites have been created.

This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

17 16 15 14 1 2 3 4 5 6

Cover design: Jon Valk

Interior design: Terri Kinne

Typesetting: Bookmobile Design and Digital Publisher Services

Illustrations: Sophia Tyler Shrand

Figure 2 originally appeared in Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion by Joseph Shrand, M.D., with Leigh Devine (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2013).

Figure 3 originally appeared in Manage Your Stress: Overcoming Stress in the Modern World by Joseph Shrand, M.D., with Leigh Devine (New York: St. Martins Griffin, 2012).

To my wife, my partner, my Vitamin C, my best friend, Carol. You are the one who has provided the truest antidote to fear. I love coming home to you.

Contents

I stand on the shoulders of giants and would like to acknowledge them and their inspiration.

Sid Farrar, my editor from Hazelden who believed in the I-M Approach from the minute he heard about it. His superb skill has helped craft the message and taken me and the book to another I-M!

Linda Konner, the best agent in the world, who put me in touch with Sid.

Jim Quine, my brudder from anudder mudder who grasped the power of the I-M Approach the first time he heard it about a decade ago and has used it ever since.

Avrom Weinberg, Ph.D., for pushing me to explain. He is very, very missed.

All of my clinical and support staff at CASTLE and who have embraced the I-M Approach as the foundation of treatment, demonstrating over and over the power of treating someone with respect.

Erich Englehardt, my student who continues to challenge me as we refine the I-M Approach and its application.

Jerry Fain, truly faintastic, who prompted me to write essay after essay on the power of the Approach.

Julie Silver, M.D., my first editor at Harvard, without whom I would never have become a writer of books at all.

Tony Komaroff, M.D., who has championed getting the message of science into the hands of the general public.

Leigh Devine, M.S., my writer and friend, who has been able to always take our books to the next I-M.

Jeff Brown, Ph.D., who has inspired me beyond belief with his courage in the face of inconceivable challenge.

Charles Darwin, need I say more?

EO Wilson, right up there with Darwin.

Alan Watts, for introducing me to the western discovery of Buddhism and how connected all of us really are.

My parents, Hyman Shrand and Frances Shrand, who provided me with the education and support that have helped me to overcome my own fears.

My wife Carols parents, Richard and Dorothy McCann, who helped bring into the world that one amazing, unique person who has never doubted me, and for all their love, support, and belief.

My sister Lana Maxwell, who never doubted me oncewell, maybe just that once!

My departed sister Susan, who is now at her eternal I-M. I miss you.

My kids, Sophie, Jason, Galen, and Becca, who showed me how a child is always influenced by the four domains and how influential a parent can be in creating an environment in which a child can demonstrate who he or she is. This has been even more incredible than I could ever have imagined.

My sister-in-law Elizabeth St. Lawrence, who was one of the first people I ever showed the I-M Approach to way back when in 1982, a critical thinker who keeps me honest.

Daniel Mumbauer, president and CEO of High Point Treatment Center, who took a chance on me back in 2008 when he asked me to help design an adolescent addiction treatment program. His mission and that of the I-M Approach have always been in synchrony.

Fran Markle, vice president of High Point Treatment Center, who has given me the support I need to make a real difference in the lives of kids and their families challenged by addiction.

Larry Bosco, one of the most incredible therapists I know who has taken the I-M Approach and applied it for years, even after he left the hospital where we worked together. In fact, for a long time he was the only person I trusted to use the Approach without my direct supervision.

David Singer, a brilliant neuropsychologist who has debated with me the foundations and application of the I-M Approach, always making sense and helping to move to a deeper understanding and appreciation of the brain.

Mark Stiles, who wanted to finally be acknowledged for something and is now helping to brand the I-M Approach.

The hundreds of innovators and thinkers whose work has inspired me and been integrated into the I-M Approach.

And the thousands of patients who have helped me believe that a person who feels valued can heal the deepest wounds, creating battle scars of which they can be proud and feel no fear. They are truly the giants.

Because fear kills everything, Mo had once told her.

Your mind, your heart, your imagination.

Cornelia Funke, Inkheart

Sally was late for the team-building session. She stood shyly in the doorway to the gym, just as the group leader was telling the new employees to break up into smaller clusters to start the next exercise. She scanned the room. And there, on the farthest side of the gymnasium, she saw a guy from her office. A guy she had wanted to talk to for days. A guy she had been too timid to approach. A guy whom she liked, but thought would never like her. And there was an empty seat right next to him.

She froze with fear.

To her immediate left was an empty seat next to a woman she knew well. All she had to do was sit there and she would be part of a group. But Sally squelched the fear that had risen from her gut to her heart to her throat and took a step, then another, and walked across the room and said, Is this seat taken? No, its all yours. Im Harry. And Sally sat down. She had taken the first step in overcoming fear.