The Hotbed Collective - More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters

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Text copyright Lisa Williams & Anniki Sommerville 2019
Illustrations by Victoria Maddox

The authors have asserted their right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

First published by Square Peg in 2019

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9781473565562

FOR NANCY FRIDAY

The Hotbed Collective is a collection of women with writers Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville at the forefront whose mission statement is to make life better, one orgasm at a time. We believe that sex, relationships and body confidence are feminist issues which shouldnt be ignored. Our podcast The Hotbed has given a platform to doctors, therapists, bloggers, politicians and celebrities to talk honestly about female pleasure in all its forms.

For me, Hotbed was born out of embarrassment and confusion: embarrassment that, at thirty, I had to admit to myself that, after years of pretending that I was nonplussed, I really enjoyed sex. I was really interested in sex. And I was also confused about the mixed messages about sex: that women shouldnt admit to enjoying sex or, if they dont enjoy it, take steps to learn how they could. And that, in the bedroom, they should always act as if they really enjoy sex, and that theres only one type of sex they should enjoy. I was confused at the message that fun, hot sex had to be over once a relationship tipped over the several years mark, and that you absolutely definitely had to accept the Death Of Sex after kids.

But I was also confused by the excitement and fun of the conversations that I was having with female friends: I was clearly not the only one who was curious. But it was almost clandestine, and we acknowledged, without verbalising, that it was a bit naughty to be a woman and be openly sexual. Society, even our apparently liberal one, had told us again and again that a woman who loves sex is not to be trusted and certainly not someone you want as a wife (insert awful terms like slag etc. etc. that I cant bring myself to write).

And yet theres nothing wrong with me or my friends: we get our kids to school on time, we brush their hair and sometimes our own we pay our bills on time, write killer proposals at work, are often the only ones to remember Jeffs birthday, help our elderly neighbours, and yet also want hot, hot sex.

And the more I searched, the more I realised that there were almost no women I related to talking with confidence about hot, hot sex in a public forum. I wondered, do I need to go to an S&M basement in order to talk with confidence about sex?

And then I met Anniki and Lisa and Hotbed was born. We are all different in what we like and want from sex but what we all absolutely agree on is that there is a huge lack of conversation and a huge amount of shame around female pleasure.

The Hotbed Collective started as a website with articles written by us and anyone who wanted to contribute (turns out, a lot) and then it turned into live events, then a podcast and now it is a book. We have always had the intention of giving women the confidence to talk openly and freely about sex with absolutely no shame and hopefully some joy. This book outlines how women have been kept ignorant about their sexuality or made to feel ashamed of it (to the point where many women wont even go to the doctor when theyre worried about something, for fear of saying the words vulva or vagina out loud), and how damaging that is to their confidence and relationships. It also offers ideas and advice on how to change that.

Sex chat doesnt have to be salacious and seedy or boring and medical. We need to reclaim sex as a normal, healthy, fun, exciting part of life. There are a thousand types of gym classes and gym outfits and health drinks and health powders and dumbbells and kettlebells and eight hundred different workout videos online and yet sex, which can be just as important to your health and the health of your relationship, is not often talked about outside of medical textbooks, unrealistic how-to manuals and, very sadly, court cases. I dare you to talk to your friends, or your partner if you have one, about one thing youd enjoy sexually or about how a quick solo sex toy session helps you get off to sleep. For some people thats easy, but for the majority that would be a nightmare.

And thats exactly what The Hotbed Collective would like to change. One orgasm at a time.

There were many reasons not to write this book. What would Auntie Liz think? Would it embarrass our kids when they learn how to google us? Is it correct to offer our opinion on what women should do with their bodies? Is it even valid to talk about women now that more people understand that the lines between women and men are not so clear-cut?

We set up our podcast The Hotbed, which launched on Valentines Day 2018, because wed become interested in the topic of sex in long-term relationships. And the more we talked about sex, the more women were telling us that their pleasure simply wasnt a priority, or that, while they enjoyed sex, their pleasure was not straightforward and that it sometimes felt as though it was just not worth the effort: empowered, kickass women, who demanded equality in all other areas, accepted the dominance of male pleasure as the status quo.