Dorian Solot - I Love Orgasms: A Guide to More

Sexual pleasure is a human right that encompasses the freedom of expressionfree from judgement, coercion, and stigma.

Dr. Tlaleng Mofokeng, South African physician and United Nations Special Rapporteur on the Right to Health

For some, standing on a stage in front of a packed auditorium, talking about vulvas, penises, and orgasms would be a scene from a sweat-soaked, heart-pounding nightmare. For us, its just another day at work. As independent sex educators, weve spent the last two decades traveling the country, educating audiences about these topics. In that time, we wrote the first edition of this book, presented over one thousand programs, and as demand increased, established a team of incredibly talented sex educators who now copresent our programs.

We teach about many different sexuality-related topics, including consent, communication, LGBTQ issues, and sexual health. Attendees of our Sex in the Dark program submit questions about any sexuality topic under the sun (or the moon, as the case may be), which we answer on the spot, concluding with a lightning round of rapid-fire answers. Weve fielded thousands and thousands of questions, but we havent heard it all. Because sexuality is constantly evolving and changing in response to culture and technology, theres always something new to learn.

But no matter the topic, one theme emerges over and over again: orgasms. There are so many barriers to pleasure, its left a lot of people wondering why they arent having orgasms or arent having them with a partner, or generally feeling that sex should feel better than it actually does. We receive so many mixed-up messages and outright lies about sex, starting with the idea that learning the mechanics of reproduction is somehow more important than learning the ways in which sex can bring joy.

This book fills that gap. We believe you deserve pleasure. Years of feedback from readers of the first edition confirm that pleasure is within reachsometimes easy reachas a result of reading these pages. Its the education about orgasms that most people never got in school or from their parents, and certainly didnt get from porn. This is a book about how to have an orgasm if you never have, how to help your partner, how to have multiple orgasms, and everything from squirting to sex toys to anal play to making online sex less awkward. We give you the skinny on topics from faking to penis size to advanced troubleshooting for when your body isnt responding the way you want it to.

People who hear that we educate about sexual pleasure sometimes dismiss it as a breezy, insubstantial topic, or ask questions with a chuckle, like Cant people figure that out for themselves? I did okay! Indeed, we do try to keep it lighthearted as much as we can. We love a good sex pun as much as anyone; if you cant laugh when youre talking about sex, youre definitely not having enough fun! But look closer, past the joking around, and you quickly see that when it comes to sex, things arent always so breezy. As much as sex can be something rooted in joy and human connection, it can also be tied to lifes worst elements: shame, fear, confusion, and outright lies. Sex can reflect the ugliness of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and stereotypes galore. Theres violence, abuse, and the reality of sexual assault, and the wounds that too many people carry from times when their right to decide about access to their own body was violated. Theres the warped fun house mirror of porn, which reflects and distorts our cultural images of sex in powerful and sometimes unexpected ways, even as it entertains and arouses.

Weve devoted our professional careers to trying to help people navigate this complicated terrain. And weve seen how helping people become knowledgeable about and comfortable with their own body can transform their daily experienceand, as Dorian discovered firsthand, can even save their life.

WHEN I WAS twenty-six years old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didnt have a family history or a single risk factor for the disease (in fact, a doctor later told me my statistical risk of getting breast cancer was below average). My cancer wasnt diagnosed by mammogram; people in their twenties dont get routine mammograms. It wasnt discovered through breast self-exam; like many women, I knew I should do them but generally forgot. It wasnt discovered by my gynecologist, who had examined my breasts just a month earlier and declared all was well. Instead, I noticed the lump myself, lying in bed one night and stretching, then absentmindedly running a hand down my arm and across my chest. I wasnt too worried because I knew that most young peoples breast lumps turn out to be nothing. I ate healthy foods, I didnt smoke, I had a great relationship with Marshall; things were going so well in my life that my little lump didnt concern me in the least.